Two

I rise with aches and pains and misgivings
Another morning without you; a sad morning indeed
Coffee induces my senses, but somehow you remain,
Visions of you warming me as I sit in the computer's cold glow
From the darkest fathoms of my mind, a voice says “Wake up”;
And the duality of the meaning barely rings true

Like children running playfully down an empty hall in a memory decades lost
Thoughts of you dash through  my mind, playfully, happily... longingly
I yearn at moments for the comfort of your touch, for even the slightest sensation of your hand around mine
These thoughts appear floating on a lilac breeze, signs of spring if ever seen, and yet just as suddenly, they disappear
As with reluctance, the voice of my maturity says “Grow up”;
And as with the signs of the season, the children grow old and whither away

Now as the hours bear forth their burden, I raise and nurture the courage to call you
If only so I can have the company of your voice for a moment of my day; so I might realign my spirited heart with my sober mind
Yet you feel compelled to tell me of this hypothetical “someone else”, as if to keep me at arms length, a safer distance so as not to be exposed to emotions
Like life undone, you quietly break my heart
Thunder applauds darkly from the storm clouds on the horizon, as a voice of reason bitterly says “Give up”;
For it seems all the truth in the world couldn't put me past two dimensions in your eyes

Wanting greatly to play my hand, I try to translate my affection into humble words
But nerves play foil to my feeble attempt; I stumble and fall, left to lie bruised and bleeding like a lovelorn child
And yet, even through the pain of offense and injury, I continue to reveal what about you sets my heart ablaze
And I feel terribly romantic, until your quiet sets summer fading and autumn setting on my hopes
Already crushed by the fall, my sense of dignity desperately shouts “Shut up!”
For one has only so much stature they can spare before they become not a man, but a child

After the phone call suffers a sudden death, I'm left alone in harrowed thought
Self pity overcomes me; I feel a need to remind myself of that which above all things else you lack
The ability to put today's comfort on the line so that tomorrow might bear a stronger prize
In life and love, heroes are not those who build the strongest fortresses, but rather those who stand bravely on the front lines
My experience, small but significant, says “Wise up”
For a hero is what I need, not an architect of his own inevitable loneliness

But then, with remorse, feelings of self inadequacy begin to claw; my own faults rise to conscious being
I am many things and none at once, but never have I been everything
Would I be good enough for you if I were a little more muscular, a little more masculine, a little more athletic?
I'd like to believe better of you; I pray you're more mature than to let your love lie in such heartless qualities
Nonetheless, my insecurities play a scrupulously ruthless game, violently taunting me, “Shape up!”
And I realize I have two choices: make myself better, or make myself miserable

In passing, though, my mind wanders into the company of depression
As persistent a companion as ever since you happened to my life
It gnaws at my ambitions, my sensibility, my self worth and my spirit
I find myself loathing who I am to the naked core
As a look of pure sadness furrows my typically smooth face, my optimism weakly says “Look up”
But to no avail; my needs and my reality are as vastly apart as life and death

Now with that I lay my head down in night's waiting arms once again
Another day without you; a sad day indeed
Darkness dulls my senses, but somehow you remain
Visions of you warming me as I sit in my own cold hatred
Every inch of my body crawls with the painfully biting word “Fuckup”
For even with the greatest of my efforts, I can't get the man I belong with to see what I thought was meant to be



The night slowly draws itself on

Silent spiders spin webs of imagination across  the dormant fibers of my perception
As I lie restless in bed, trying to coax my anxious mind toward the bounty of sleep
My thoughts lie not at home right now, but rather beside you; I wonder if maybe yours lie with me too
For just one second, a solitary candle flickers in my heart, the most humble flame of hope
But in a moment its gone; the scent of a barely singed wick coming to my forethoughts
For in an instant, a cloud of doubt, thick as night, smothers the newborn flame with discomforting ease
What if you are thinking of myself and my affection, but of the latter as being an obstacle in the path of us being friends?
As much as it pains me to say, my feelings of friendship and romance in concern to you are far too intertwined
To remove one would be to remove the other, and as such, one will never cease to exist unless both are destroyed
A painful fear strikes, in that my only chance for happiness might be for me to leave you behind and never look back
A surge of emotion pulses through my body, sending chills upward along my spine; this decision which awaits is that to which I hold the greatest contempt
For the man who always stood shadowed in my dreams now has a face; a beautiful one, and behind that beautiful face, a beautiful soul

Your eyes the last vestige of my conscious thought, I unknowingly begin my descent into the mysterious realms of slumber
Unwittingly setting foot into the grandiose theater of my vast subconscious
Windows to my desire open readily; happy images are projected on the desolate screen
But I, as an audience member, am oblivious to the fact that this is mere cinema
I think with real thoughts, perceive with real senses, feel with real emotions
I witness image transforming into art, art into language, language into experience, and suddenly
I find myself in a transcendent moment where I've always yearned to be
Holding you tight in my arms, as the cold winter night closes in around us,
Our body heat seemingly the only thing keeping each other warm
Snow falls gently behind the frost-glazed window as Christmas Eve draws to its close
The most comfortable feeling, warm like apple cider, graces me with its presence
Merely because, at this beautiful fracture in time, should I happen to wake
I might be able to turn toward you and say the words “I love you” as you sleep






The alarm clock wails

I rise with aches and pains and misgivings
Another morning without you; a sad morning indeed
Coffee induces my senses, but somehow you remain,
Visions of you warming me as I sit in the computer's cold glow
From the darkest fathoms of my mind, a voice says “Wake up”;

I do

And suddenly I have a vision; a timeworn perspective of a novel concept
I see the rocky road that lies before me, twisting and turning as it snakes its way up the impossibly steep slope
Towards your affection, with the jagged rocks of rejection glistening in the moonlight so very far below
Should one stumble, there's no telling how long the fall would take, only that a certainty awaited them at the bottom
And yet I feel compelled to climb, the gory and inevitable plummet seeming far less painful than being apart from the destination; you
I play pawn to my own imagination, as shards of my former existence rain down around me
Remnants of the time when I could be content by way of my own devices
My thoughts bleed forth like a river, overflowing its banks and spilling its way through the entirety of my conception
And every flooded bush, every thought-covered rock, every torrent-engulfed tree, sings forth to me
Of the greatest love story that's never been written
Might never come to pass
And could certainly not be predicted
My feelings for you came from the most unexpected of places, and as such
It seems fitting to me that there they shall return
If only to lie dormant, forgotten, unrequited
A reminder of the piece of me that dies every time you turn away


                                                 - Nick