The Most Glorious Day

All was calm and white on the snowy morning after Christmas. Dozens of birds flocked around the tree outside the window, picking popcorn from the garland Brad and Ellie made together, just the way he'd done with his mother each year. The snow covering the ground looked more beautiful and shimmering than could be possible in reality, more like what one would experience in a dream. Whiter, more glittery, more exquisite.

Despite the bright beauty of the morning, Brad’s mood was dark. He was stationed by the window, surveying the winter scene while reading the heavy local paper filled with colorful fliers advertising door-buster savings for intrepid post-holiday shoppers. He wanted no part of the festivities. Not after the wasted time he’d spent shopping for the perfect gift for his bride. If only her response to his carefully chosen gift had been compensatory. The disappointment felt like a cold knot in his chest as he sat alone with his melancholy thoughts.

He hated shopping and, truth be told, only forced himself the week before Christmas to think about a proper gift. But once he set himself to the task, he approached it as all tasks, analytically and with conviction. He surveyed Ellie’s wardrobe, habits, preferences, and carefully considered their budget. He decided that Ellie needed a new watch. She certainly could not continue wearing that unsightly sport watch with the black plastic band. He felt she needed something more grown-up, but not ostentatious or terribly expensive. He determined the amount he could comfortably spend, and set out one evening after work to compare brands, styles and prices. After narrowing the choices down to five acceptable offerings, he selected the least expensive and allowed the clerk to wrap the gift. Quite pleased with his purchase, he proudly placed it under the tree when he got home.

On Christmas morning, he watched her quick fingers fumble with the tape and bows around the box. When she finally opened it, and saw the watch, her face remained impassive. She quickly closed the box, and gathered a package from under the tree for him to open. His face reddened and he tried to hide it by scrutinizing the carefully wrapped parcel in his lap.

He steeled himself, determined not to show his feelings. He knew she wrapped it herself, because he’d seen evidence of the wrapping paraphernalia in the dining room. He hoped she hadn’t spent too much, but also hoped she’d spent a comparable sum to what he’d spent. He pulled the wrapping away from the flat rectangular box, and opened the lid to reveal a rather large binder; a photo album with the word Memories embossed on the cover. He looked at Ellie, and noticed the expectant look on her face. When he opened the book, he saw pictures from his childhood, baby pictures, his first birthday, pictures of his mother and father proudly holding him. He saw his life lovingly chronicled through photos he'd stored in a box in the top of their closet. Certainly a sweet gift, but not what he'd hoped for. He needed a new watch also, and a new topcoat. Maybe a pair of leather gloves or a new wallet.

He thanked her for the gift, his face betraying no emotion. She embraced him and kissed him gently, but Brad knew she felt his lack of enthusiasm. They spent the rest of the day together, preparing and enjoying the Christmas meal, listening to music, playing in the snow, but the disappointment was ever present, just beneath the surface like a dull headache.

He knew in his heart that he was often cold, unlike Ellie who cared for every stray cat, wounded bird, depressed colleague and perfect stranger in the grocery line. The grocery line was, in fact, where they met. She was in line ahead of him, with three very large bags of dog food in her cart. She saw him eyeing the dog food, and explained that she was taking a donation to the animal shelter. They chatted about dogs, and she explained that so many people abandon their pets, and he remembered thinking that he'd never once in his life had a conversation with anyone in the grocery. After she paid for her purchase, he uncharacteristically offered to help load the bags in her car. Ten months later they were married.

How very different they were. How on Earth had they been paired together? God certainly had a sense of humor, even if Brad did not. In the year Brad and Ellie had been together, the life he'd known had been all but obliterated. Their courtship was swift, and he felt he barely knew her. But she'd been so smitten with him, he assumed they were meant to be together or she, like countless other women, would have utterly ignored him. He couldn’t fathom what she'd seen in him. He was not warm or friendly or handsome or charming. The only thing he had going for him was his intellect, and that was the thing which impressed her least. She often said he analyzed things too much, and encouraged him to just breathe in life. He just didn’t know how.

Soon after they met, his mother died suddenly. He flew home for the funeral, and came back with a box of pictures. That was all that remained of his family. His father died when Brad was a baby, and there were no siblings. He’d stowed the box in the closet and never opened it, choosing to go on with life as though nothing had happened. He never spoke to Ellie about his family, choosing to explain that he lived in the present, not the past.

Brad stared out the window, watching the birds eat the popcorn, and thought of his mother. Every year when he visited, she made him sit with her and string the popcorn. He never understood why it was such an important ritual, but never objected. They'd sit quietly, threading the popcorn onto the string with the needle, sometimes not even speaking, then take the popcorn garland outside and wind it around the blue spruce which grew larger each year. This year, the first after her death, he felt strangely compelled to carry on the tradition, and he and Ellie wrapped the garland around the small pine tree outside the window. Ellie thought is was a wonderful idea, and commented on how much fun it would be to watch the birds enjoy their Christmas present. She seemed to enjoy it more than he did, even though it was his tradition. She even took a photograph of him standing next to the tree after it was adorned with the popcorn garland. Knowing Ellie, she would want to take another picture each year, and have their future children join in when they were old enough. She would collect the photos year after year, and comment on how much bigger the tree was, and how the children had changed.

Her sentimentality was sometimes annoying to him, and he wondered if, over time, it would annoy him less or perhaps more. Ellie was a good person, kind and loving, and he often felt she deserved more and probably needed more love than he could give. Maybe he shouldn’t have married her so quickly. Not that he would spend his life with her in misery, but would she be happy with him? Would she even know she was unhappy, or was she willing to live with only a fraction of the happiness she could have known had she met someone more like herself?

He felt confused by these thoughts which were, arguably, the deepest personal thoughts he’d experienced. He was analytical about information, but not about feelings. He was surprised at the very fact that he was considering the future of his relationship with the person who cared most for him. He knew he loved Ellie, but had never before considered the vast emotional differences between them. So amazed that she cared for him at all, he’d plunged headlong into the relationship. Of course he analyzed the facts. Ellie was attractive, well educated, soft spoken, mannerly, and attentive. These were all traits that were acceptable to Brad, and he enjoyed her company. She also was very respectful of his privacy and his need to be alone with his thoughts, never demanding too much of his time or attention. For someone like Brad, this was the true litmus test.

But as he thought about the last several months with Ellie, he realized she had been gently, subtly transforming him. She encouraged his solitary pursuits, but also invited him to accompany her in her activities. With Ellie, he’d started attending weekly worship services. He spent Saturday mornings sorting and tagging discarded clothing at the local charity thrift store. He’d started to notice more of the world around him, and realized that his life was very blessed and secure. Before Ellie, he never noticed or cared about the inequities or unfairness around him. Although he couldn’t call himself an altruist, he had definitely started to recognize opportunities for change in the world.

Brad glanced over at the Christmas tree, and noticed the memory book that Ellie made. He hadn’t touched it since he opened the package yesterday. His face burned with shame for the lack of gratitude he expressed. He picked up the book and sat back down in the chair by the window, glancing out at the snow covered expanse, and noticed that most of the popcorn was gone from the tree. A few birds picked at the snowy ground, foraging for any missed kernels.

He opened the book and slowly flipped through the pages. It seemed his entire life was chronicled within. He noticed how rarely in the pictures he smiled. Even as a small child, he had such a serious countenance. Moments in time that should have been joyous, birthdays, parties, holidays, did not elicit smiles from Brad. On looking at his emotionless features, it seemed almost as if he tried not to smile, not to reveal his feelings at all. There were many pictures of his mother, and he felt a pain in his heart he realized was sadness. He’d not really allowed himself to experience sadness at her funeral, banishing it away through sheer force of will. It was a painful feeling but not entirely bad. It was almost a relief to know that he could feel emotion.

The sadness was accompanied by a longing, a realization that he would never see his mother again. She’d loved him, cared for him, and sacrificed for him. In all the pictures of her, especially the pictures of the two of them together, she was smiling. She was happy despite their circumstances. Intellectually he’d known times were hard for her after his father died, but she never seemed weary or unsatisfied.

He flipped the page and saw a black and white photo of his mother and father together. His mother was smiling serenely, but his father stared back at him with the same expressionless face Brad had exhibited in all of his pictures. It appeared that his mother also married someone quite different from herself. He scanned through more pages, until he arrived at the last few. A snapshot at their wedding with Ellie gazing at him, happy and content, and Brad looking tense. He remembered the day, and remembered feeling happy. Why couldn’t he look happy? How selfish was his heart that he could not express his gratitude for a loving wife and a life others could only dream of?

He turned the next page and saw a piece of paper folded in two, and slipped into a slot in the album page. He carefully pulled the album page apart and slid the paper out. He opened the paper to reveal a black and white image with dates and numbers. After a few minutes he realized it was an ultrasound image. At the top of the page were Ellie’s name, date of birth, and the date December twenty. Brad could not believe what he was seeing. He was stunned, amazed, yet elated. His heart was pounding in his chest. He could feel his mouth curl into the most outrageous grin. Rubbing his palms over the paper, he held it up in front of his face just to confirm what he was seeing and that it was real. He looked at Ellie’s name, with his last name, astonished that she was his wife and that she was carrying his child. His love for her welled up inside of him and tears spilled out of his eyes, although the outrageous grin on his face remained.

He jumped up from his chair and spun around, not knowing what to do next. Brad wanted to go to Ellie, wake her up, hold her in his arms and thank her, kiss her, promise her his love, his life, his very best. But then he did not want to wake her. She needed her sleep. She was going to be a mother! He wanted to scream and dance and run around the room, to celebrate! He glanced out the window at the incredible winter’s day in absolute joy. The Christmas present that had been such a disappointment held the most astonishing gift, and Ellie had chosen such a thoughtful way to reveal it, allowing him to discover the significance in his own time. After his behavior yesterday, had she wondered if she’d made a mistake? Was she afraid that he would be unhappy about the baby or, worse yet, angry? Could he ever show her how much he loved her?

Today felt like the first day of his life, his new life. He didn’t know if the grin would ever leave his face. Happiness and contentment and fulfillment glowed inside his chest like a bright coal of fire. Brad glanced out the window to see the sun shining on the crisp blanket of snow, glittery, blazing white, making the world bright and new. It was the most glorious of days.

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