Guilty

Guilty

I feel guilty.

The projected manifest for the upcoming deployment had just been issued. Many familiar names, too many familiar names were on it, but mine was not.

I was torn. On the one hand, I felt a sense of relief knowing I wouldn’t be going just yet. On the other hand, I was crushed, these were my friends, the people I had trained so closely with, the people who I was supposed to watch out for, and here I was, being left behind while they went off to fight.

This is how Chief found me an hour later, moping silently as I half-heartedly filled out hand receipts and put the finishing touches on an overdue memo. I could see the unasked question in his eyes as he looked curiously at me; how was I supposed to explain I didn’t want to be left behind when I knew of people who wouldn't mind being in my shoes?

I confessed my doubts to him, however, and went back to matching up the authorized amount of gear against the amount we really had, trying to make it all neat and tidy for supply.

“Hey. Don’t worry about it. It’s not your time to go just yet, you’ve still got some learnin’ you can do here. You’ll be goin’ soon enough as it is.”

He looked at me and sighed.

“I remember what it was like to be your age, full of fire and energy. But, now that I’m old,” a quick smile flashes, “well, older I wish I knew then what I knew now. Don’t be so eager to go off to war. One day, you’re gonna wake up and wonder where all the time has gone. One day, you’re gonna wake up and find yourself down range.”

He paused for a long moment, tapping a pen against a stack of file folders on the corner of the table.

“Take this time, use it, learn from it. It’ll make all the difference when you’re hangin’ out in the sandbox, believe me, I know.”

Another pilot steps in at that moment, cutting Chief’s reflections short.

“You ready to go?” he asks.

“Yeah. Let’s get movin’.”

Slinging their gear over their shoulders, they make their way to the door. Chief hangs back for a second.

“Remember what I said,” he says, heading outside.

“Oh, yeah, looks like you’re gonna be answering the radio today. Don’t screw it up, alright” Chief calls over his shoulder, laughing, as the door falls shut.

I make a face and watch them head out to the pad where the helo waits.

Sighing, I grab the thick log book from the crowded rack, and flip through sheet after sheet till I find a current one. Dropping the book onto the desk with a thud, I drag an office chair over and take a seat next to the radio.

From outside, I hear the low whir of the engine starting up which quickly turns into a high pitched whine as the rotors begin to turn.

“Ops, this is one-zero, radio check, over.”

“Roger one zero, read ya loud and clear.”

Scribbling a few notes here and there on the paper, I stare out the door, waiting for them to take off. The engine noise soon levels off as the nose of the helicopter dips and the airframe lifts off the ground.

“One zero, in the air.”

I see them disappear into the distance.

“Roger, one zero.”

“Flyin’ high and lookin’ good, ETA approximately….”