Random Thoughts of Psychosis.. part 1

It seems confusing at times...this life we lead. I appreciate everyone leaving honest feedback. This was all written here as I wrote it in my book, with no capitalization and a lot of fragmented sentences that seem to make no sense.


the moth beats its dusty grey wings as it begins to sing. the man in the blue suit has vanished. the clouds have been lifted off its back. but no longer can it hold on to the future. the past is gone, is that not so? the present is the only thing to look forward to. not what's going to happen next, but what's happening now. don't look forward to that special thing that is going to happen. pay attention to what is going on around you. the fury grows in the moth. so long. so quiet, never had the words poured so eagerly. smooth flowing like water in a stream. but the wave comes and crashes the dream. yes. the man in the blue suit is gone. but for how long can the dark clouds be lifted and the eyes able to see? no feelings means no heart. successfully succeeded in blocking away the pain, anger, and anguish. fit the wheel perfectly for the car. the moth is now just a whore. its dusty wings grow. attracting the opposite sex more than ever. with the clouds - the man in the blue suit - gone, she is able to shine through. words never put into thoughts - thoughts never put into words. all expressed in a sudden gush of emotion. what is it he will say next? news for the better but you always pray for the worst. I know your darkest enemy. I know your fears. I can read your thoughts and at any given moment I can destroy you. easy as a pie, he used to say. paul bunyan was always a mythical person, but he always tried to make it sound so real. storm clouds moving on. it helps to get it all out. never able. vision clouded, dusty minds, dusty wings. the dust has been shaken off and the true brilliance of the inner butterfly is shining through. the moth is rising. 3-26-98

the unborn child screams for its mother. cry into the dark it's so much fun. remember the man in the blue suit. the grey boy searches for something he has lost to a wench so long ago. the man lied. I hate being lied to. who knows what disease spreads like a fire in the unborn child. never to be born, he waits in silence whimpering like a dead dog in the corner. he is not yet due. yet in the silent night a child is heard whimpering as the man in the blue suit sleeps in the room. so close. no where to get away to. but where did she sleep? certainly not with him. and it wasn't with her. like a flame reaching a match it sings when it starts to burn. living without him was something I never wanted to do. like building a house out of charred stone. the knowledge of what happened stays forever. the smell of fear and pain linger in the air. oh yes. he did know what he was doing when he traveled the dark alley so late at night. when he rose from his slumber to meet the light angel. for her to be considered an angel is for me to be a low down god. while I am so mighty. I can live off peoples fear, pain, fear, hate, rage, explosions, fights, crying, death...they all interest and excite me like no other has before. I was a man. lost in myself and loving and killing everything in sight. I killed everything that was of any particular interest to me. as now I am doomed to a fate just the opposite. everything I love dies...in my eyes, in my mind. as he quoted "in my minds eye my thoughts light fires in your cities." Charles Manson thank you so much. a man with such knowledge of the world and yet he believes in something that was a weak mage so many years ago. destroyed by the people he held so dear to his heart. I love you yet I fear you so you must die. music soothes my soul in a way that no other can. she tamed me. she brought me down. she broke my heart. she doesn't care. she ran off to have a bastard child, leaving me in the dust while my head and heart weaken beyond recognition. sleep comes naturally to most. for her it's a never-ending battle. for I try to stay alive. stay free. I like the moon and the stars. while she fears them and runs to the light of the sun. greets the rising sun like a long lost lover. when will he ever be good? he has been a bad, bad boy. he has been careless with her delicate heart. he and she both must be taken care of. I will dispose of them. till both of them lies. she's ok. she'll be fine. I'll kill her gently. while she writhes, moans, screams, and whimpers in pain and agony I'll be squirming with joy. the moth will soon learn how to fly as I have taught her. I taught her to free herself and spread her wings and I must do it again - for she has forgotten. she believes that life is never-ending and time just stands alone, to fall apart from my love was to lose a piece of my soul. so many memories lost and thrown away. incomplete thoughts never finished. loves never lost. she will learn to love and run. for I will train her greatly. it is dying and I don't care. while she cries inside I laugh on the outside. she fears the world while I embrace it. she will be disposed of very soon indeed 3-30-98 1:22am (morning time)

the hurt and the pain I cannot feel. how do I know if it's something real. "I hurt myself today.." trent reznor. words ring true in deaf ears. I would cry but I cannot see. the light of it is blinding me. I'm really tired now. so I will be departing. good night. 3-30-98 10:21pm (night time)

just know that I feel this free. am I god or just unclean. nature force. we believe in unseen things. or is god the real thing. today I became a failure. believe me, you helped me out. words pour like a fountain. is it cold or is my heart becoming pure. we see things that don't exist in our minds. I am so free. in my heart, I'm so unclean. I am speaking to you from beyond the grave. am I going to hell or am I already there. in our most sentimental moments we say things that we don't mean. or is god that unclean. he is able to give life, but he is not able to tell us how to control it. our emotions run wild and free. is this god, or is it me. I put this here for you to read. I hear things in the mist. in the dark, I see the unseen. is this power, or being unclean. do you feel dirty, do you feel free. into her room. destination free. I feel her fear as she runs away from me. will I get her life force if I strike her down where she stands. what if I change my mind and tell her it was all a joke. ok. i'm leaving. do I turn around and rush her? is she feeling brave? I turn around. look at me bitch. if you ever run from me again, I'll kill you. she's afraid of me. I can feel it. I feel the fear pulsating around me, giving me strength. am I powerful? yes. I feel strong. my mind tells me to take her now. make her unclean with me. let my dirty thoughts invade her. splice her open with my dirty cock. push her to the ground. I want you to feel with me. do you feel it? we are making love and I want you to come. I've seen your moment of fear, and I want to see ecstasy in your eyes. do me that one favor and I'll leave you alone. dirty thoughts you have there dear, as I hold the knife to your throat. uncontrollable desires rushing me from every direction. forcing me to feel. telling me to love and hate at the same time. he alone will not be able to hold us. stop me before I kill again. she was able to feel it. I saw it in her eyes. I feel her grow cold around my body, and now I am ashamed. did I have to do it. will I ever feel so free.. she has a child within her. the other life presence I feel. her flat stomach yields to my knife as I slice her open. her blood flows as it never will again. her blood tastes warm and sticky as I suck it down my throat. uncontrollable fears I feel right now. her life joins into mine. deeper I probe I find the unborn child and stuff it into my mouth. I feel life ebbing away. I swallow it and feel life growing inside me. the pain dies away as I feel the life fading from both her and the unborn child. I crawl away from her lifeless body and I begin to convulse all over as the fear takes over my body. I reach for the phone and begin to dial. but who am I going to call? am I going to call the one I lost. the mother I thought I had. the father I know I have. the one I love now is dying inside, as these two just have. 4-20-98 approx 3:47pm

colors swirling mind ceasing to exist. is this what the end feels like? a world of light then complete darkness? whose mind travels so far down to be with mine. who is that trapped in my mind. we were always together but never meant to be. now, that I am free, I can only be with him. I see through his eyes, yet thoughts escape me. you'll never know. colors swirl, pictures form a desk, a room, a padded board. why are we locked in a dark room together. why is the world such an evil place. why can't I break the bond to.... I see you, looking through my eyes. feeling with my thoughts. do you feel pain or ecstasy. pain and ecstasy. one causes the other to come screaming out. do you make my body tingle. my limbs feel weak. are you the only one..that makes me speak? 4-20-98

I hate the way I feel. my feelings are so unreal. under the skin, in the blood so fine. that is how I made him mine. do I really do the things I do? say the things I say? feel the way I feel? do I slice myself just to get away. I want to see the blood pour. if not out of myself, then out of someone else. these dirty thoughts I cannot hold inside. they are not mine. I can't be faithful to someone I do not fear. I love him but yet I still need the others. I can't keep myself in control. I need to end it, but it would drive everyone else over the edge. I need to pull them away from me first. then I can disappear. nobody would ever notice I left. too happy of a mood. I'm on my way out big girl big girls don't cry. all they want to do is die. If I killed myself, would I care? would I still even be there. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I can't control the urges for much longer. she's coming to the surface. my whore, my wench, my slut. as I die, go away. 5-6-98

after a night of utter amazement, and the moths first ever chance to spread her wings, she is shot down by the one who set her free. she falls to the ground. and just when she thinks she can't get any lower he digs her a hole in the ground. instead of throwing dirt on her, he leaves. leaving her to see only her damaged self (he shot right for the heart) and the clouds that are brewing overhead. the first drop hits, burning into her like acid. then another - then - nothing. a shield has been placed over her. a large shield. her own - built of hope and fear place together. it will take time for her wounded heart to heal. the pain returns and the tears flood her eyes - but disappear. they were never really there in the first place. do I hate myself or just the world. the songs sing in tune with my heart. my heart screams in pain and agony and screeches in fear. halts to a stopping point in the midst of a traveling circus, head over to the freaks where she belongs. stand behind the two headed man. lookie here folks, and you will see the woman with no heart. 5-11-98

a solitary flame burns in place of my heart. I wish I could call up the one I truly lost and beg him to come back to me. I am ready, I know it. to dial the number. a pang of rejection piercing its way into my heart. the bond has been broken the spirit has gone up in flames. I cannot feel it, but I see his pain. look, everything's going good with the man, BOOM! it's over. look, everything's going good with the grey boy, BOOM! it's over. look, everything's going good with the yellow man, BOOM! is it over? how long until the hunger, pain, the heat, the exhaustion, the anxiety, the fear, the hurt, the rejection... how long until they end? days at a time, second after second I take it. though it hurts me so. I let him go, barely faltered. why didn't I see this coming. why can't I cry while I hurt inside? why do I feel the tears but never see them drop on the page. I have put out flames with the tears that have fallen from my eyes. size of raindrops, dew on a morning flower. is my heart so cold that I cannot shed a single tear for the future I have had ripped out from beneath my toes? or am I just that vain. he tried to explain I listened and faltered. to hear it coming out of his mouth, now the tears come. my long lost friends. his voice quavered for seconds. or did I just imagine it. did I hope for it to be there? he can't do this to me. oh, the self control, my head aches. I know how to relieve the pain. a quick motion to end it all. but would I carry through? who would I push over the edge? I gave it all up for him. but I don't have the courage to start again. I loath the one who brought me here just to release me into an unknown world alone they knew what was in store for me. but do I really hate them, or is it just me. third time's a charm my ass. I wish I could kill them all. to use their pain to end mine. but would it just add to the hate I feel now? why this happens is beyond me. and being as mighty as I am... that is very far. I call to him bringing him to me. and I almost, felt so free. my tears stain my pillow. does my blood stain my heart? does the flesh linger on a wall that absorbed the hit. his hand is so thin and frail in mine. yet it is the hand of a warrior. from a time long gone. he absorbs everything but the tears. those are to pour out of my eyes like a waterfall from the cliff of a mountain. his hand never falters. yet he speaks with a voice that is not his own. I feel so trapped, with no way to escape. 5-11-98 12:14am

could I turn back the stars? put the dark back in the sky? then I could pretend. for once, that everything is just...just right. would it be perfect? or would I be filled with fright. everyone is scared of me. and I am scared of them in return. I hurt because they cannot feel, I hate because they steal. I feel the flame as it lights all of the world on fire. I am alone in a world full of millions of people. how sad it can be when you never feel like you can be free. 5-12-98 8:52am

I came here to see the sun, to feel the warmth as it spread over my body. but, I cannot see the sun. I see houses and rooftops, and I see people, busy as bees. I wandered this morning, farther than I had ever gone. I wish I could see farther into the great unknown. if only I came out here just to be alone. It is true I despise growing older. my maker has yet to come and retrieve me. to save me from this deadly unknown. the wind blows around me. I love it out here. if only I felt more free. less slanted and I would call him right now. tell him of the beautiful things I see blowing around me. to tell him I still love him so. I get away from it all but always return to the same thing. I have not slept for almost a day. I feel alive. I feel free. I like him so, but am I able to love him? my eyes grow tired and weary of all of this newfound light. I fear for my safety, and now I would like to be alone. I wanted to greet her, but I am unable due to circumstances. I wish I could call him. or do I think of the other when I whisper his name? I am tired of living in the mortal world. I grow weary of all the pain and suffering, but, from where I came from, the pain and suffering were greater. I was and am the god of Gods. the lord of Lords. do I ridicule myself for having slain the one I truly loved? I would like to fall forever, to fall through the clouds and feel the breeze. but the ground grows closer and I begin to twitch - was this what I really wanted? to fall to my doom? to see the world for the last time through the eyes of a 17 year old female falling indefinitely through the clouds? as she always wanted. but we will wait for the other to come around before we really strike. I could use him right now, as I begin to sway. I am not only scaring myself anymore. insomniac as I dream of dwindling away. 5-23-98 approximately 7:00am

The elf looked on.
His master was dead. The only man (human) he had ever known...and loved.
Passion and despair, that which he had never known before, surged through him as he fell to his knees and cried. He screamed for Mercy... if only he knew a way of bringing him back.
The only love he had ever felt in his short span of a life, the only emotion he had been able to bring up from the depths of his soul...was gone. Instead a new emotion raced through him. One he had never felt, or known about. The whole experience was new to him. He reacted the only way he knew how. He pulled the knife from the heart of his master. It was wet - slicked with blood. With tears in his eyes he lunged at the woman who had plunged the knife deep into his masters heart and returned the favor. The woman had never seen the elf react in such a way. She did the only thing she knew how to do. She let out a piercing scream. It was silenced as the breath left her body for the last time. The elf looked on as life drained her body, left her eyes. The darkness he had seen only moments before was gone. Emptiness remained. Then he began walking. He walked on through the night and part of the day before he collapsed in a heap on the floor, where he, too, closed his eyes for the last time. 5-28-98 6:45pm

if I was a moth I could soar so high in the sky. but, I can't. I'm just a little butterfly. sleep comes easily to those who desperately need it. but for those who could dream forever it is just a waking memory, a dream of dreams as I want to cry but the tears never come out. to cry forever as I touch the clouds. touch the sun and breathe the air as it rushes by me. I fear the tears that fall from my eyes, for they are not there. I would not fear them if they fell, but loathe them, pain and suffering brought out by the light of day. he enters the house slowly. did she hear? is he sure that she is truly alone? in physical and emotional terms? as she is in there dreaming, he finds his sharpest knife. she will not suffer as the last one did. death will come quickly for this one. the last was a mistake - she will make up for it. he enters the hallway and as he nears her bedroom he falls to his knees. he prays to his master - promising that this will be the last one - the last one he will hurt, to make up for the most recent one. the child, not living with this one. she is unable to have children - he has learned. as he watched - and listened. he gets up and walks toward the bedroom. he stands over her - she looks peaceful. almost angelic. he raises the knife high above her body as he jumps onto her. plunging the knife into her heart and pressing his lips to hers. her eyes snap open with alarm and she starts to whimper as the knife is pushed in deeper. he stares into her eyes and she stares right back. very defiant - this one. she whimpers one last time as the knife is given one final push as the heart beats for the last time. he keeps his lips pressed to hers as tears roll down his face. guiltless murder - if it was a murder at all. I don't really think it was. 6-6-96 oh what a great day 1:09am

looking out for the future but holding on to the past. the man has returned, with that, he grabs the last shred of hope in her body and stretches it out until it becomes a heart full of love. oh, how she cried when they let go. oh how she cried, because, god, she loved him so. and still does, I suppose. I feel so stupid for letting it all creep up on her. She was not ready to handle it. I am looking through her eyes, feeling, toying with her thoughts, moving through her body, yet I cannot control her heart to make her move on To see the true light and what must become of it all. all I want is to escape. to be free. as I speak through her, I say it as if it were I talking. I am a free spirit. I roam wherever necessary, but, two and a half years ago I found a body that was ready for whatever was coming. I overtook that body and shaped it into the glorious thing you see before you. yes, I see her looking on as I write, her hand grows tired and cramped, but I will not let her stop. I see him, looking at me. yet I am truly afraid. but does he see me? does he know what I am up to.. he looks at me, I know his dirty deed, and yet he can read my mind with perfect accuracy. as he watches, I grow more fearful. is he the one that has been watching always? the star flickers and threatens to go out. but, forever it will keep on burning. he is not real, just a memory in my mind. if I stop writing - would I drown - I feel as if the world has truly halted - a turning point in not only my life but everyone else's as well. I wonder if the man is the one who remembered. truly, I am still here. but for how much longer can I hold in the fear? 6-9-98 5:59am sunrise

wind is to north - northwest - turned at 6:07am. I wish I could say I feel the warmth of the sun right now. the waiting game - anticipation is the greatest thing of all time. whoever invented it should be awarded a trophy or a medal or something one year from now. but - let them know about it in advance. wind to north at 6:11am. I predict the sun to rise at 6:23am. it is now 6:13am. sun rising more to north than usual. almost to the roof of house across street. it is 6:18am. five minutes before I am wrong. I watch the sun rise from Northeast instead of east this morning. no wonder everyone is acting weird. I'm wrong, 6:23am light, sun maybe behind clouds. oh well - peak of sun: 6:31am. I long for the one that left me behind. I truly miss the man. and hope to hear from him soon. if only I could ship ahead time; then I would only be left to wonder what important things I missed. the knock at the door signaling the end of my freedom. was it every truly going to last? I am so tired - as always, and as always, unable to rest for reasons unforeseen. I want to find a way to escape from the reality of my life. if only for a few hours or so, it would be long enough. I wish the man all of my love - and let him know I am thinking of him. they grey boy is gone, but is not missing. he'll come around in time. 6-9-98 7:17am

why do I feel compelled to watch the sun rise every morning. I live for tomorrow - do I not? 6-10-98 6:06am

I begin to watch the birth of the sun. it is cloudy... but I am hoping it will shine through. I grow weary, sleep will be restful tonight. (this morning). I hear birds singing... the new dawn is about to begin. I guess it will rise at 6:31am. it is now 6:14am. there is 17 minutes to prove me wrong. wind is to northwest at 6:16am. I see them. they dance before my eyes, singing their magical song. I long for light. I hear music, beautiful music when I close my eyes. I want to do it more. 6:25am. things move at first glance. the carpet breathes. I need sleep. it is 6:35am. I believe the sun to be risen. I am unsure of the exact time, or even if it is at all up. but the clouds cover fiercely. 6-10-98 6:36am

watching other people go crazy lets us know how close we really are. at the drop of a needle, I could fall over the edge, I would be falling forever, away from the sun, away from the clouds, towards the trees. but no, I wish to go out in a red blaze of glory. with the wall pulled over my eyes, blood stained tears, will not be able to see. better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven. all the love in the world cannot stop me now. I watched the sun rise for the last time as I tumble down into a never ending pit of darkness. down here, the water runs blacker than night, and the normally blue sky is blood red. I see the rain in the summer time falling. the grey sky is black, rain falling in blood instead of water, people wear no clothes, horribly scarred they show off. and their signs of freedom. if god exists, he may leave me now. for I wish to kill him and turn once again to the devil. but my true calling leads me astray. I dare not write his name, my pitiful scripture would not do him justice. so I pray aloud that soon he will let me live again and help her to turn her life around. 6-11-98 3:38am

how I tremble. hearing the sound of a boy once lost.. the grey boy has found the light - coming back to me..or is he. just ring the bell to answer a question. I am almost complete. 6-12-98 7:08pm

the man returned and though I prepared for this moment, it was not anticipated. she was ready for most anything, but not this - not something to this extent, her heart swells. the greatest thing that had happened since the last one, perfect. how things have changed. nothing is like it used to be, it's gone. she's gone. I will have to take over once again, the change has begun. 7-5-98 3:45pm

the man has caused her to lie to everyone she loves - including herself. but no longer will she keep up the charade. she knows the truth now and is eternally sorry for the problems she caused. lying to everyone to help her lie to herself. he lover her all along, lied to me all along, knew when it would end but didn't know what would come after that. now she is filled with hatred yet again. her hopes are only partly damaged because she is in love with another. everything that has been holding her back has been destroyed. her true knight is on the sacred hose. he seats her in front of them and they ride off into the rising sun. 8-9-98

after the rain and the dew and the mist, I shrink down so small, I can't even be kissed. utter amazement, I feel myself come, the world is silent, not even a hum. a moan or two, here and there. I go to sleep, without any care. I long for the moments, of unspoken thought. I want to be, what I know I am not. forever I'm falling, downwards, and a turn, into the night, forever I burn. 10-2-98 12:14am

the horrors and flames. I killed her. I fall from the steps dead. I hurt for her. I really want to cry. I scream silently and my tears come out dry. I want me to die. 11-24-98 8:35pm

outrageous screams and cries of fright. why can't I stop? am I that immoral? I hate myself. the reason is clear. I can't do it right. I can't do anything right. obviously. why not? I hate me. 12-19-98

I lay in the bathtub while I lean back and close my eyes. wondering what if would be like to relax some more, close my eyes, and fall asleep forever. would it hurt? would they cry? how long until they discovered? would it hurt? would I cry as the water fills my lungs and the life fades away? would I try to expel the water? I just want to end it. that's all. 1-12-99 6:43pm

water, dark, disturbed. I see it as I fall from the cliff. down to the black crashing waves below. once I hit the water I go straight to hell. red hot searing pain flows through my body. I scream until my lungs hurt and my voice is as frail as my body is. I only wonder one thing as I look around. not why am I here... but, was I pushed? surely I didn't slip. 1-20-99

to spread away like a flower and a dove. long lost things ran outside to play. on a wet and rainy day. forgotten words at utmost respect. forgotten us. with such disrespect. people tremble, mouths gape. all I do is lay down. sleeping comes with no remorse. cry say the children as they play their sports. their mouths tremble as they gape. all of them so filled with hate. play with me, why don't you die. hate with me, and make them cry. all the children all over the world, brush their teeth without a care in the world. sleep on your pillow with the gun underneath. does that bring you comfort to feel in this world? brush your teeth and go to bed. sleep comes safely with that gun under your head. filled with hate, do you hope to fear? pray to the big man. will he be here? all of these little things in this great big wide world. hurt them man, their letters and hopes. crash their dreams, hurt their pain. take their things and pretend life's a game. 2-4-99

as he laid the cards down he thought back. was it the right thing to do? he had entered the house at precisely three am. he knew because when he'd entered he saw the metal rimmed clock in the hallway. as he looked at it he longed to touch it. to feel something she had put her hands on. but his purpose lied ahead of him. he slowly walked up the stairs, admiring the pictures of her. he put his face close to one of them. his lips were close to hers, his breath making clouds of her face. soon...he thought, as he lifted a hesitant finger toward the picture he heard a sound. the cat had knocked something over, but it wasn't too loud. he waited on that sixth step for her light to come on, but to no avail. she was dead asleep. he thought of how special she was. could he ever get her? tonight was his special night. he walked up the stairs, careful to pause at every picture of her. then one caught his eye. him and her at the park just last summer. she hadn't forgotten him so soon? at the top of the stairs he stood for a second. her room was the second on the right. he remembered the full layout of the house. as he had been there so many times before. but that was all forgotten as he slowly made his way to her bedroom. just as he had rehearsed so many times. he knew where the creaks were. he opened the door and looked in on her. just like an angel she looked with her honey blond hair spread so delicately across her pillow. he walked to the edge of her bed and leaned over her. he could hear her soft breath in his ear. soon that would all end. he toyed with the knife in his pocket. too messy. they'd know. he grabbed the pillow to the left of her. his pillow. as a single tear fell he held the pillow over her soft face as a fearful cry arose from her. she twisted and tried to scream as he firmly pressed the pillow down on her face. minutes passed, to him it seemed like hours. finally, her attempts to get away failed as her body lay still. he removed it from her face and laid it back where he had found it. he fluffed it and smoothed out her hair. he closed her eyes and mouth and kissed her lips for the last time. while putting her arms down her side, like they always were. that is, unless they were around him. he turned and walked downstairs to the kitchen, not even glancing at the pictures. there he saw a bouquet of flowers. the ones he had sent. he smirked. they were in her best vase. his smirk faded as he saw the cards he had sent her. he picked them up and read them. all of them devoted forever to her. her forever was over. he found the pills she always kept for "when she couldn't sleep". and the other various left over pain medication. he got them out and set them on the counter as he walked over to the liquor cabinet. he picked out a large bottle of brandy. slowly, one by one, he took every pill in sight and held his nose as he drank the rest of the brandy. he walked even more slowly upstairs this time, taking the same amount of time to stop and look at the pictures as he had before. he walked to her bedroom and laid on the bed. it was there, next to the beautiful angel (his angel) that he fell asleep forever. 2-5-99 12:39am

how long is it that a person can go on living while telling lies. lying to themselves, their friends. and their family. you are merely happy because you portray yourself that way. but really it comes from within. my happiness has withered away like a dead flower. I will not feel the softness of his lips against mine, the feel of his eyelids as I kissed them over and over again. the sound of his voice from far away when I was lost...telling me he loved me. how I long to hear that now, it has been forever since I've heard it. why doesn't anyone ever prove me wrong. do they lie because they want to? ...or because they have to. maybe it wasn't on purpose. maybe he still cares. a while isn't forever. because he promised me he'd love me forever. I wanna hold him in my arms and never let him go. if he tries to leave again, I will tell him "no". how many endless nights have I stayed up and cried. thinking "he lied! he lied!" too many for me to count off the top of my head. I'd rather think of him loving me instead. although it'll never happen, I hate to hear myself say. he will come back forever, maybe one of these days. until then I just need him. to stand by his side. and I'll try to keep him there to hold me, so I can pretend (at least) that he's mine. so tired of being rejected, so tired of being alone. only one way out, I'm sure of it. the only way to go. but can I hurt my mom like that. can I hurt my friends? or can I live with myself like this, and just pray that the hurting ends. I want so much to end this pain. but do I want to try? because every night I think of him, is every night I cry. I really, really wanna die. 2-9-99 12:09am

oh, what evil deed have I done to deserve a fate such as this? 2-10-99 12:19am

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCRUB? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCRUB? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HURT MYSELF? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HURT MYSELF? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES DO I LET THEM RUN OVER ME? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES DO I LET THEM RUN OVER ME? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I FELT BAD BECAUSE OF THEM? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I FELT BAD BECAUSE OF THEM? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID NEVER AGAIN? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID NEVER AGAIN? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I CRIED? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY NIGHTS HAVE I STAYED AWAKE? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY NIGHTS HAVE I STAYED AWAKE? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCRUB? how long until the water runs clean. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCRUB? how long until the water runs clean. 3-7-99

all of the people that fly into the night and swim away from their selves are mine. how many times did I have to tell them not to turn the page. not to pull the chain. how long are they going to live in the world that they do? when are they going to open their eyes and cry into the night. sleep into the day. and scream at the moon. days go by. night swift as a sword in a mans hand. the sun never rises, but yet it's always there. do I make the teardrops because I hate the tears? forgotten with the treasure my crimson sun. all along the railroad tracks. they're hollowed, let's have fun. I will play at tea party, if you kiss my dad. don't laugh at his mistakes, he did the best with all he had. horrible memories, why don't they go away. but is always seems that I am the one. the one making them stay. to die and live a dream. everyone's life is too extreme. I hate you, I hate me. not everyone can be like me. forgotten love, freshness in hate. why do you whimper when I fill your life with hate? is it because you aren't used to it, it's all gone so well. well, take your live and shove it. you're all going to hell. 3-16-99 approx 4:19am

fall into grace with me. everyone is happy, everyone is free. freezing cold down here in hell. turn the heater up. welcome to hell. everyone's free down here in hell. unlike heaven, where the people are in chains. ropes hang and form nooses at the bottom. but they can't kill themselves... they are already dead. they all float, only they fall. when they fall into grace. 3-22-98 4:08am

I am tripping so hardcore bad trip. I almost killed everyone in the car while I had a nervous breakdown. now. the only thing I regret in my life is that I haven't killed myself when I had the chance. I'm sooo. how many times can I say it. MOMMY I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY DAD. I'M SORRY FOR EVERYONE THAT KNEW ME, AND SORRY IF I EVER HAVE TO KILL MYSELF. but, they are counting on me to take them to the airport tomorrow. I'm sorry I almost killed everyone. I'M SORRY. 4-9-99 1:04am

think of the little children. all over the world. the ones that go to sleep, with every fear in the world. they are going to be raped. they're gonna be killed. they're gonna be stuffed in their own small dark world. and after years of trying, they still haven't emerged. like a little butterfly, but they'll never spread their wings, because their sick bastard of a father, was the one who made them scream. 4-15-99

think of the butterflies and moths and things. see the wasps and bees that sting. hatred comes, swallowed hope, hurt the things she cannot help. how long does she gasp for air. she sits there brushing her long brown hair. in the mirror she sees a face in her own. she cannot run, she cannot hide. to this face, she must confide. all her deepest secrets, before she is laid to rest. I am leaving now. 4-25-99 6:54pm

hell is a place I like to visit. burning dead, singeing pain, burning dead, frying pan man, hate hell. pools of blood lay on the floor. how come I visit hell, I like the people. 6-30-99 2:29am

lonely hearts cry out into the night. strike out in violence. lost things are found. in a place I never wanted to see, peoples voices I never wanted to hear. voices in my head cry out in fright, kiss me now please. I am ready for anything, I like to think. but places and people especially seem empty to me. all of the things I've ever seen, the things I've felt, they fill an empty void that never overflows, things unseen fly around me. who is going to claim me when I am gone. I wish so much for things to hurry on forward, so my mind and body can be in peace. peace is something I never find. something like this I lost a long time ago. two important things given to my dark night, the boy I never trusted. the grey boy is never found and seems somehow to be lost. the yellow man.. gone. his touch was never gentle, only whorish. watch me while I go to work. all of the things I create, I create for you. I want you to be a part of me. 7-12-99 approx 4:00am

today I didn't want to get up. I would like to sleep forever. nothing I own is of any importance to me anymore. I have liquor... I want to drink it always. I am really happy when I'm drunk. my will is made out. I have heard all of the bad news I need. I wish I never had to leave the house again. 7-27-99

isn't it odd that in the search for ones own individuality, they all tune into one another. millions of people doing their own things, like an army. same hair, same clothes, same shoes. wear these clothes, they'll make you popular. wear your makeup this way. this color eyes are pretty. style your hair this way. I bleach my hair. darken my hair. anyway I go I am just a face in the crowd. if I died, they would know me and remember me only for a short while. if I killed, they would remember me forever. do I want to them to remember me and love me, or to remember me and hate me. after so long, they all forget everybody. if there is no way to leave a mark in the world, why does everyone keep on living? they want to live the good life, to enjoy it while they can. if they live the good life, it's ok, their friends and family will only remember them for a short while before they become just another name on a gravestone. nobody is really that important? 7-27-99

as shots ring out I cry out in fear. that isn't me. I'm not dead. reality is just another look into the doorway of life. life is just another ride on the rollercoaster. rollercoasters are not always fun. sometimes they can scare you, make you cry. every once in a while, a rollercoaster can kill you. I feel dead. sometimes I wish I could die. but, as always, that's just another ride on the rollercoaster. 7-30-99 approx 12:45am

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