The boys school.

8 Year old boys in school.

Introducing the liberal Mohammed: Wants the world to follow his way, but doesn’t really want to force it on anyone.

Introducing the not so liberal George W Bush: Thinks oil is the key to the world, but can’t do anything himself so needs to buy peoples votes

Introducing the meek Jesus: Thinks his Dad is better than everyone else’s and will sort it all out for him.

Introducing the handicapped Steven Hawking: Thinks space is the answer, but no one can understand him so doesn’t get anywhere.

Introducing the fat one Buddha: Doesn’t really care, just wants to eat all the time.

Introducing the spin doctor Tony Blair: Doesn’t mean anything he says, ever!

Introducing his shadow Gordon Brown: Wants to do something but Blair always stops him

Introducing Hitler: Wants to make up for all he done wrong in his first year of school (use to bully all those different from him. Now the voice of reason for the group

Introducing his new gay lover Moses: far too old to be in school, but no one can see it.

Introducing Osama Bin Laden: now a hippy that smokes to much weed. Always stonned.

Introducing Mr Dawkins as the teacher.


The boys arrive for their first day back after summer break.

[The boys arrive in the classroom and discuss the holidays]

George:

I got 20 new friends on myspace and the best bit is, there all Canadian, I can get them to do anything I want, there all so stupid.

Tony Blair:

[While he talks his hands are still, when he isn’t saying anything his hands move in a discombobulated up and down movement]

That’s great George,[hands move] really it’s truly amazing,[hands move again] I’m pleased for you.

Hitler:

Yeh well I found love, he moved into the house next to me.


Mohammed:

He?! Last term you wanted to kill all the gays, not to mention everyone else.

Hitler:

Well my Mum made me reflect over the holidays on all the bad things I done, that and she said she’d take my Nazi doll if I didn’t

Jesus:

Well my Dad got a new car, you know them ones that save the earth at the same time you drive. Can any of you say your Dad’s saving the world?

All:

Shut up Jesus, you talk shit, you Dad hasn’t done anything and never will.

[Mr Dawkins enters]

Buddha:

When’s lunch I’m wasting away here.

Mr Dawkins:

Ok children settle down now, we have lots to get through today.

George:

Yeh Buddha’s got 2 hours before he eats again.

[All the kids giggle]

Mr Dawkins:

That’s enough, do you want the celestial tea pot in the sky to strike you down.

[Bemused look on the kids faces]

No I didn’t think so.

[Kids settle in to their lessons]

[We join them again in the playground at first break]

[All the kids are tying Steven Hawkins to the see saw]



George:

Its ok Steven, you wanted to see space.

[The kids tie Steven to one end of the see saw and get Buddha in place to jump on the other side]

George:

You ready Steven.

Steven:

[Animated computer voice]

No no no, this will not work, you haven’t considered Newton’s laws of physics.

All:

Ready Buddha.

Buddha:

You sure I can eat after this.

Osama:

[Red eyes, already stonned]

Hey dudes where are we again? I think I’ve got the munchies.

[Buddha jumps onto the see saw and launches Steven into orbit]

Jesus:

Guys I think that might of worked to well.

George:

It’s your fault Buddha you fucking fat ass.

Buddha:

I’m not fat, I just like food. Who are you to say this isn’t how the body should be.

Osama:

Dude you should try some of this [Inhales deeply on a doobie] its good shit [starts to cough uncontrollable]

Hitler:

We shouldn’t judge him on his bulbous body, there could be a good person inside.

George:

Or several people he eat for lunch.

[All the kids start to giggle]


Gordon:

What about Steven we should... [Gets interrupted by Tony]

[Gordon reverts to Tony’s shadow]

Tony:

What about Steven we should try and help him.

Hitler:

Yeh come on guys, let’s go and find him.

[All the kids ditch school and set out to find Steven]

[The kids start looking round the forest for Steven]

George:

Dude this is lame, we’re never going to find the retard.

Jesus:

My Dad could help.

George:

Your Dads the biggest retard of them all.

Jesus: [swinging for George]

Don’t call my dad a retard, you anal discharge!

Hitler:

What’s an anal discharge?

George:

His Dads a discharge from my anus [rolls on the floor laughing uncontrollably]

Mohammed:

Hey I think I found something [peering into a big dark cave]

[All the boys gather round the cave entrance]

Tony:

I think there’s someone in there. HELLO.

[A muffled cough can be heard from inside the cave]

Hitler:

George go look inside.

George:

Screw that, I’m not going in there not even if you paid me.

Hitler:

What about I give you all my friends on myspace.

George:

Hmm. How many you got?

Hitler:

2 million

George:

Fuck you, you don’t have that many.

Hitler:

There’s only one way you will find out.

George:

God I hate you guys.

[George starts to wonder into the cave]

Hello is anyone in here.

[Muffled voice comes from inside]

[George wonders father inside]

[A small red light can been seen glowing in the far corner of the cave]

George:

Steven is that you? Come on you retard, press one on your keypad if you’re dead, press 2 if your alive but can’t move, hold on you can’t move anyway.

[Just then Osama appears from the darkness, doobie in hand]

Osama:

Man that was some good shit, where am I?

George:

Where you belong you fucking hippy. Its ok it’s only Osama.

Hitler:

Dude that sucks, I thought we might have found something then.

George: [On emerging from the cave]

Yeh something to blow up.


Hitler:

Why are you always after something to blow up?