she waits

...she waits the tables, moves carefully, never smiles never frowns.
         Gentle heart.
         She used to write notes to herself, when she first arrived in the city.  Little notes of encouragement, of solace, of remembrance.  It had been a while, when she read them all last night.
         One said, stop chewing the insides of your lips.
         Happy songs always make her cry.
         She has always been a little girl at heart, all her life.          
         When she was hurt, she would curl in the corner.
She could never stand to see people embarrass themselves, even on television.
One note said, do you remember listening to the sea.
No question mark, it isn't a question.
She thinks as no-one notices her move between the tables, that you are just a child, then someone taps your shoulder and look at you now. 
You turn around, look up and your twenty. 
Thirty. 
You're still alone.  What ever happened.
Do you remember, thinking, what will I be like when I'm older? 
Nothing much changes and all this time is gone, and you know its all you have.
The only things she can bring herself to love are bittersweet.
One note said, memories like dark tear stains on old paper.
She remembers her grandma saying once, don't ever be down.  Dark to light, light to dark.  Things go in circles.  Merrygoround.                 
And still, the only things she could ever bring herself to love are bittersweet.
Dreams.  She could hear the sea.  It was hope, promise.
One note says, love is only perfect if it doesn't last.  No sweet without the bitter. 
An elegant fear.
She is crying and no one notices.
No-one can see.
And now, she's too tired to dream. 
One note says, move to the ocean, and listen.
But she doesn't hear the sea these days.               
Because she's crying, crying and no-one notices...