the full circle of parenthood

A letter for my children


The excitement of youth is infectious.  There are so many possibilities and opportunities just laid out before you – it’s yours for the taking.  Explore; Learn; Grow; Strive; Experience. 
And yet with all these thrills ahead, I am awoken at night with dread for you.  A strong word I know, but true none the less. Yes all parents have dread – having a child is like inserting your heart in your mouth for the rest of your life.  You live in constant fear of something terrible happening.  There are all those dangers out there, kidnappers, car accidents, terminal diseases, drugs, child abusers… the list goes on.  But we have faced these fears for generations now and the majority of kids get through it relatively unscathed.  So why do I have the gnawing feeling that the dread facing us now is so much worse? 
There are new threats for our children, global terrorism being the most obvious at present.  The day of the September 11 attacks, my first child was 7 months old.  I remember sitting by her cot and crying with the thought that either the world was about to end, or at the very least become a world no longer worth living in.  In that moment the world seemed to become darker.  In the days that followed most people seemed to be in a state of limbo, was this the next world war?  And yet the panic subsided, life returned to normal – well a new kind of normal. New security precautions were brought in and we began to feel safer again.  The miracle of children is the way they can light up your life in the worst of times.  Soon enough I had my positive outlook on life back, and was adamant I would pass it on to my precious daughter.
And yet this dread is surfacing again…
What is this worry in me?  We are confronted almost daily with tragedies in the world and you would think that would be enough to bring us down.  But human spirit doesn’t work that way.  We have a remarkable ability to disregard the gloom and embrace the joy.  I think we Aussies have cornered the market in this respect.  The ‘no worries, she’ll be right mate’ attitude.  What a luxury it is to grow up in a country with that outlook on life.  Blue skies, sunny beaches, happy faces.  And still I fear for my children’s future.
And when I delve further into the recesses of my mind to figure out why this apprehension exists, I am surprised at what I discover.  It isn’t the threat of terrorism that scares me.  It isn’t the increasingly frequent news reports regarding stolen, abused, murdered children.  It isn’t the mind boggling array of cancerous diseases. Don’t get me wrong – all these things concern me.  But what is waking me up at night is attitude.  Yes – attitude. It is a word we use flippantly – she has such attitude.  And yet it is such a defining quality in a person.  Sadly, it would seem today’s society is developing a negative attitude. 
What is it with today’s youth?  Well, that is not a new question!  Every generation looks down on the following one with confusion.  It is almost a rite of passage.  You reach an age where suddenly the music is too loud, the fashion is too skimpy, the attitude is too obnoxious.  So my parents can read this letter with mirth for they told me this day would come.  But if each generation is a little more rebellious; rude; insensitive than the one before it – what kind of hell are we heading for?  At some point there has to be a massive swing back to the ‘old fashioned’ values or surely Armageddon is just around the corner!
With each birthday, I watch my children head towards that impending doom of teenage-hood.  That tumultuous mix of hormones, new found independence and imminent maturity.  Today’s fixation with reality T.V. and the allure of fame gives us the chance to view the life of a teenager in a way that was previously unattainable for parents.  Oh yes – a little knowledge is a dangerous thing! Big Brother makes me want to run to the vacant country side with my tiny children and raise them in a hippie commune!  Anything must be better than exposing them to this world of fledgling adults at the age of 13.  These ‘children’ who have barely hit double digits in age but already hit it in sexual conquests.  Girls whose bodies have not yet fully developed, but are having silicone pumped into their breasts, collagen in to their lips and cartilage carved off their nose.  This terrifies me!  These boys who have been brought up to be in touch with their feminine side yet still have the natural course of testosterone pumping through them.  They have been taught the code of conduct for the issues of sexual harassment and fully comprehend the consequences for not abiding by it.  However, one click of the mouse can expose them to examples of pornography that could make Madonna blush (the musician, not the martyr).  So how do we now teach our young men of the future to love, honour and respect women when all we tell them is juxtaposed against the world wide web of erotica?  In fact, how do we teach own daughters to love, honour and respect themselves when faced with this contradiction?  Is it any wonder they are going under the knife to achieve the images they are confronted with daily. 
It seems a little too easy to blame in all on the internet and the media.  Sure, they have their share of blame to carry.  Look at the biggest marketing angles through a child’s life.  As toddlers they are introduced to the exhilaration and vibrancy of Ronald Macdonald and all his little happy meal toys.  They develop a taste for the juicy, fat laden food right there in that colourful, safe, secure little playground, while Mum drinks her latte and feels good about her low fat deli roll.  We move into the newly termed ‘tween’ age and they are initiated into the world of fashion as all their movie idols bring out their own clothing range.  Suddenly the child who happily wore hand me downs and wiped filthy hands down the front, is telling you Kmart doesn’t have the right kind of clothes.  Your buying your 9 year old daughter little skirts and tops that you would have found too revealing to wear out night clubbing way on back in your partying days.  Then, abruptly, your child is a teenager.  And now the marketing schemes really heat up.  Attire takes on a whole new importance as teenagers discover that the clothes really do maketh the man.  Kids are cruel and you don’t want to be the parent that sends your child off to the party in the pretty little frock that Grandma made.  The need for a young girl to emulate the stars is as strong as the need for air (oh God, please let Paris Hilton disappear before my daughter hits the teens). 
Music, as it always has, gives voice to a generation, and these days the video clip that goes along with it is as, if not more important.  Watching a video clip these days seems alarmingly similar to what you might see on the aforementioned websites frequented by teenage boys.  The tone of recent songs are unabashedly sexual.  Lyrics that you'd have thought would spark even the most liberated censorship committee are included on 'Barbie's Favourite Hits'.  There is something so terribly disconcerting about hearing 13 year olds singing ‘I think I’d like you better if we slept together?’
So let’s have a look at what these kids have learned by now: 
•          Quick, easy high fat food in a fun environment is a staple part of any normal kid’s diet.  Hmmm, didn’t someone tell us recently that obesity is now an epidemic? 
•          The clothes you wear are directly proportional to you popularity, and celebrities have the best fashion sense.
•          At an age when relationships between the sexes start to take on a whole new appeal, the best way to attract attention is to dance like you are waiting for someone to slip a twenty in your diamond encrusted g-string.  (on the g-string topic – why to they make g-strings in sizes for 6 year old girls?)

When you put these marketing ploys together it seems they really don’t marry up too well.  Encourage them to develop a taste for junk food and then dress them in clothes suited to a call girl.  I see an eating disorder on the horizon.
However, I did say it is easy to blame it on the media.  Surely they can’t be burdened with all the blame.  So who is left?  As much as I would like to fall back on the lament that kids these days just have no respect, that seems a little too easy too.  These kids learnt it from some where.  Oh, no the finger seems to be pointing at me now.  For all this hyperbole about what is wrong with kids these days, I fear the fault should fairly lay with us.  This generation that is raising tomorrow’s leaders.  We have really made a mess of it.  Somewhere in the desire to give our children the best chance at life, we are giving them nothing.  They are learning too much political correctness and not enough education.  They are learning more about their rights in life than their responsibilities.  They are being given more than they earn or really deserve.  Essentially they are becoming under qualified, over confident, self entitled brats.  And we are making them this way! 

Now, you are probably expecting me to give you the solution to this problem now – alas – I don’t have it.  I adore my kids and find it a struggle at times not to overindulge them.  However with every passing day I am realizing that my husband and I do them no favours this way.  I suppose I can’t change the whole world, but by damn I will do what I can to change my world!  I will insist my children show basic manners and respect to all people.  They will not address new adults by their first names anymore – Mr and Mrs Whoever teaches kids that grown ups deserve a title to distiguish them.  They will not get a tonne of toys every birthday and Christmas – we are steadily ruining our children’s imagination and concentration spans with all these ‘educationally sound, stimulating toys’.  They won’t get pocket money for cleaning their rooms and making their beds – they should do that anyway – it is their own space and they are responsible for it.  I will teach them the value of money by giving them challenging, necessary chores to do to earn cash.  I will not allow my children to speak to me with the slightest amount of attitude in their tone – we are their parents and they should speak to us appropriately.
These are simple things I know.  But honestly, can you say you adhere to them each and every day?  Do you give in to your kids because it is easier?  It is time for tough love again – I was brought up that way and I turned out fine.  Oops! There it is… the full circle… I have become my parents!