Confused Love Letter

Sunday, July 01, 2007

I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
Seriously.
I miss you.
More than words can even say.
I sit up late at night, and I can't sleep because I’m thinking about you.
I can't find the words to tell you that though, I’m so stuck.
You make me feel like I’ve never felt before.
I actually think I may be in love with you and my heart is breaking because I can't see you.
I’m almost in tears now just thinking about it.

When you left, I pushed you away when you were trying to kiss me because I wasn't prepared.
I knew you were leaving, you told me a month or so in advance. All of those times I begged you to say though, I really wanted you to stay. I guess that I just simply refused to believe that you would actually leave me for the summer. So I was angry, angry with you for going through with it. I would never have left you, and you left me. I wanted you to just go, just leave, leave and be off like you said you were going. I know you had to, you're working at that camp, but it doesn't matter to me. You didn't see, but I was crying when I shut the door. You didn't even look my way after you got in the car. I saw you stall it though, were you upset or just weren't paying close enough attention?

And the day before, before that Friday, the Thursday that you spent a few hours here. That’s all I ever really get, a few hours. Well, we were leaning against your van and I started crying. I feel so stupid crying in front of you because you keep your feelings so closed up, I don't blame you for that, but I feel stupid with my sloppy feelings. I was crying, and you were so calm. I was clinging to you, and the best you could come up with is “I don't want to make you cry." too late, you did. How could you just stand there like that, with me crying? Did you even care?
You were leaving, and now you've left. You left on the sixteenth, and that day was the hardest for me. You said you had to get up early, really early, to drive there. I didn't sleep much that night, I was up early looking at my clock and I knew you were leaving. It broke my heart even more. It’s now the first, tomorrow will be two months. I feel almost stupid for having all of these feelings for you, being unsure, thinking I may be in love with you, because it's so early in our relationship. But you said so yourself in the letter, it's not too early for the future and everything, we have liked each other forever; we've always been on one another's mind. I have always liked you, and I probably always will. When we were little, I lived and breathed you, you have no idea how much I liked you, it even makes me embarrassed sometimes. In all of my relationships, you were in my mind. I didn't obsess over you, but when you walked by, regardless if I had a boyfriend, my eyes followed you and you brought on all sorts of feelings. I never got over you, you never got over me. So right now, being with you, missing you, I swear I must be in love with you.

You’re the first person I would throw all of my plans away for. I wish you wouldn't go into the military, but I won't stop you. I like how you know what you want, and I don't want to change you because I think you're beautiful. Sometimes I wonder how I got stuck with you, what I did to deserve you. I’ve been through so much, and you've helped me so much, in ways you wouldn't even understand. It’s so amazing to be with someone like you, someone who cares about me, and when you said you missed me, I felt like I could fly. I don't need you to profess you're undying love for me; I don't want to push you. it scares me though, because I am so ready to open myself up to you, to tell you anything and everything, about me and my feelings for you, and even risk you judging me, but I don't want to smother you. I don't want to scare you off. I’m so fucking afraid of messing this up.

I’m even crying now. That’s the effect you have on me. God kid, you're like a drug. I miss you, I love you, and you make me so happy. Now if only I could tell you all of this..

----


Wednesday, July 04, 2007

So I told you on Monday I had something to tell you. Or well, I told you I should tell you something. You got nervous, I could tell. Maybe nervous is the wrong word, but you were curious and concerned. you gave me that lecture, that I had to finish my explanation because I was making your mind turn for the worst, like it does when I tend to not finish my stories. I told you I couldn't tell you, it was something I couldn't say, and you had that voice you only use when you really care. It’s a softer tone, one I’ve only heard you use with me, and you gently begged me to tell you what it is that I couldn't manage to spit out. You said that you couldn't see me, but you knew I was blushing and I did that nervous giggle of mine. I told you I wrote something, and you asked me to read it. I told you I couldn't read it too you, and that you were scary. You just laughed and asked how you could possibly be scary. I explained to you that I was always fond of the people I was in a relationship with, but I was on the receiving end of the strong feelings, I was always indifferent. Being on the strong feeling end, knowing that if I hand over my heart you can just break it in two if you wanted, it scares me to death. so I didn't tell you., I didn't tell you the part about handing my heart over, because you're smart, you would have put two and two together.

Your phone card ended abruptly, after I begged you to say goodnight in that last minute and I sighed and put the phone back beside my bed. But you called back; I guess you'd taken someone else's because you thought it was important to still talk to me. You asked me to tell you, and told me you'd stay on the phone all night if that's what it took to get it out of me. You said it was important to share our feelings, and that it wasn't good for me to be so quiet. you know I wear my emotions on my sleeve, even if you keep yours bottled up, and you said that I was supposed to be open so you could work on being more open, I wasn't supposed to be closed because you were closed. I tried, but I couldn't say "oh, it's only that I love you" over the phone. You don't say that stuff over the phone, not for the first time at least. I want to show you that last entry, I really do, but I can't. I’d rather give you all of those notes about you that I wrote with other people than to let you read that. It’s true, and it all comes from the heart, straight from the heart. When I tell you I care for you, when I tell you I miss you, it's still from the heart, but it's careful. When I say it, how I say it, I’m careful. not that it's "edited", but I wait until a time when I think it's normal and not overwhelming so I won't get hurt. I want to tell you, I want you to wrap your arms around me after and let me know it was okay. Do I want you to say it back, that you love me? Not necessarily, I don't expect you to feel the same way I do, I just don't want you to stand there and stare. I’m so afraid of your judgment.

We’ll see how this plays out.

----

Saturday, July 07, 2007

So now you know, well sort of. I took the last two entries, the real ones where I spilled my guts to you, and I printed them out this morning and brought them with me when we drove the two and a half hours to go and see you. Boy, I adore you enough to deal with traffic in crazy concord to get to you. I’m so happy that my mother put up with all of that too, I was so surprised she agreed to drive me up. I think she knew I was hell-bent on seeing you after four weeks, and she didn't want me to drive up alone. I don't blame her, I don't know how I would have found it on my own, once we got off the crazy roads, and I was fine. I could deal with that. But god knows I’d drive all that way, even in the traffic, even with my standard, just to see you again. I’d do it tomorrow if I could.

So you have eleven am on Saturday to eleven am on Sunday off. That’s a crap schedule; you know damn well it is. On the drive up I was okay, I was really nervous. When we finally got to the last ten mile stretch, I felt like I was going to toss my cookies. Great phrasing, but it's actually rather true. I wanted to see you so badly; I was scared that someone was pulling my leg. Like "oh, you can drive all this way and see Noah" and then when I get there, they'd be like "oh, just kidding, go back home." that kind of crap has been pulled on me before, not so severely, but yeah, it was my biggest worry. So we finally got into camp after that god awful flipping million mile stretch, and I swear I was floating. I felt so nervous and dizzy and, just, wow. we stopped when we could see the group of people and my first thought was "'where is he, where's mine out of all of those" and then I saw you walking towards the car, even from that far I knew it was you, and I thought I was going to just die right then. There you were, after so long. You were walking towards us, and I bet you couldn't hear me, but I saw you and nothing else really mattered. I pointed and squealed, yes I squealed and shouted "there he is!" and I tried to jump out of the car. Well, it didn't work very well; I got stuck on the door, sort of. Fucking thing wouldn't open. And then I kind of ran/walked to you. It wasn't how I played it out in my head. I think we both were kind of echo, but that's okay. I really wanted to run up and fling my arms around you, and it took everything I had not to, but I remembered the whole "they don't put up with that stuff here", and I didn't know what exactly you meant by that, so I didn't. we kind of had a hug going, but god did I just want to fling my arms around you and stay that way forever, it had been wayyyy too long, wayy too long.  [See, even thinking back at this, I’m tearing up. god kid, I miss you and I only left six hours ago. gahhh, look what you do to me.]

We finally got into the car, and we were us, without being us. I must give off the strong impression that I’m against PDA, but that's really not it. It wasn't that I didn't want to kiss you, or be close to you, you just make me nervous, I was still in awe of the fact you were there. all those nights I spent worrying over you, all the hours of sleep I missed wishing for some reason I’d get a chance to see you, talk to you more, and you were sitting in the car next to me. Right there, I could even reach over and poke you. I was so happy to see you I was okay just sitting there, even if we were across the room from each other and we could only mouth words, I’d be okay with that. I’d be okay with it because being even in the same room, that would satisfy me. Well, for then. But I mellowed through the day, even though you still have the ability to make my hands shake. I’m not immobile around you, I can talk and think and laugh, I’m normal,  just my heart seems like it's going to come out of my chest and my hands give away the fact you're so overwhelming. No, it's not you; it's just the fact I like you more than what is healthily. Oh well, it's a nice rushing feeling, being around you.

So I was okay with hanging around for sixish hours with my mom and you, it was better than nothing. She loves you kid, she's rooting for you. You’re so much better than the last, and I love you so much. you're just amazing, the fact you understand that I’m not okay, I’m not okay with what happened between Chris and I, and the fact you're willing to listen to all of that, two years worth of problems. The fact you had the ability to put two and two together about my abusive relationship story and figured out what happened. I seriously love you for that. we had a good day, I was sad throughout parts of it because I knew that I’d have to give you up, you'd have to go back to your "home" as you call it, your camp for the summer. I wish you had a job closer to home, but I’m not going to change you, I love you for you.

When we finally got back to camp, I was upset. Well, obviously, even on the ride home when you leaned in close, it just made me nervous. Because you were breaking my heart, teasing me like that. Being so close, and yet I was going to have to relinquish you to that god damn camp again, and I wasn't okay with that. I was seriously pondering what would happen if I refused to give you up, if I just took you home. Gah, but things don't work that way. I swear, we really have to work against the odds just to see each other. If only I didn't have plans tomorrow, this Sunday, to see my grandmother. I would have had you come home with me, spend the night, and I would have driven you back in the morning, I would have been okay with that. gah. damn the stupid system. oh well, I’ll live, maybe.

Finally, when you signed in, we had time alone. I wish the entire time could have been like that, alone. I’m gracious of my mother bringing me up, it really was better than nothing, but I wanted to spend time with you alone. I think we're different when we're alone, because everything seems much more...I don't know, free? we are free to talk more, play the Keira and nick tangle up game, we can do with alone as opposed to being two feet apart with my mother. not that we really need to be two feet apart, we really don't need to be, but you're fully aware of what I mean. we don't have to pay attention to anyone else when we're alone; it's a relief for a bit. but when you were signing in, I was actually really upset, that's why I went to look at those badges. one, they were kind of interesting looking, and two, it gave me something to look at to keep my mind off the fact I really had to give you back, that sounds funny, in only a few minutes. you pulled me close, and I didn't want to move. I just wanted to put my head on your shoulder, sigh, and just stop. I wanted to stop worrying, stop missing you, I just wanted it to be okay for once and I wanted to just stay there, calm, okay, fine. of course I’m fine home, but there's always you tugging at my heart, and when anyone mentions you. but I had to go, and yes. I didn't give you the note yet, I couldn't. but seriously, you're just; I don't even know what the word to describe it would be. I was so scared to give you that note with the last two entries, I’m scared because I know you've read it and I don't remember what exactly I wrote, I’m scared to look and remember and worry, but yeah. I told you I was scared, and you either realized that it was big, or realized how important it was to me, because you used that voice again. god, that voice could quite possibly be my downfall. it was your concerned, persuading, gentle tone you use with me, I hope only with me too because it's very, heh. I can't even explain it so someone else would understand, but I almost gave you it right then, you made me feel so much better. you pulled me tight and told me that nothing was going to happen in you reading it, nothing bad would happen. [I don't remember exactly what you said, but that was the message that came across and for once I could just sigh, and believe you, because I trust you. I know you're the one person I can trust to never let me down, to never break me, regardless of my fears about it.] you have no idea how much better I felt after that, I didn't want to leave even more.  but of course I did what I always do, I pushed you away because I was upset in having to leave you, sigh. I’m pathetic like that.

We went back to your tent to grab my letter, and where I’d have to give you the note and say goodbye.  your tent is small, but somehow surprisingly cozy. too bad for that other bed, heh, poor Zach. I’m rather glad he disappeared, because yeah. after we finally found a place to pee [we had to pee waaaay too much today, fucking drinks, heh] we headed back to figure that stuff out. you sat, made room for me, and I started to do my weird upset pushing away while clinging behavior. it's great, not. Noah, I wanted to stay with you. we were laying there, when you didn't let me leave, and you said that I could just stay, stay in your bed, stay with you. I laughed and said about Zach, and you said he wouldn't mind. god, I wish I could have stayed. hell, I would have stayed in that stupid tent all day and just wait for you to come back at night. it really doesn't work that way though, but I wanted it to. you're such a tease like that. I would have been okay, if you hadn't of pulled me down and close. and then you said you'd missed me, and I almost started crying right then and there. in your letter, it was all I needed to be okay with you being gone, knowing you missed me. but knowing you're so closed about your feelings and hearing you tell me that, it made me not want to leave even more. then we had to go back to my car, and I’m kind of glad you made that face when I was looking at the map, so when I turned around I’d laugh instead of cry. I was almost in tears then; you're face made me feel better, for about thirty seconds. as soon as you waved from the door and turned away, tears just started pouring down my face. I had to turn away from my mom too, I felt horrible. she asked me a minute later if I was crying, and I said I was, and she said it would be okay and that I’d see you again, but I’m a big emotional wreck, of course it wasn't okay. so I kind of tore open your letter and had it done before we even got to the hidden valley sign, the first one when you leave, haha, not the second one when you're really out. that's how much I needed to have some kind of contact with you again, even just a minute later. sigh. it almost sounds pathetic when I write it down, sldkjfsldkjfslkdfjsldkf. but when I finally stopped crying, I started choking back tears again at the end.

It's funny how much I cry when you're not around, but I never do it in front of you. I almost did when you left, and I think my eyes were welling up when we were standing against the desk when you signed it, but otherwise you haven't really seen me cry. Hm, well, no biggie. it's not a pretty sight, heh.

I miss you though, terribly. I just want to curl up against you and sigh and let everything go, that kind of "okay, it's okay, I can stop, Noah’s here." I’m wayyy too much of a control freak, I worry too much. I sit up until freaking three in the morning worrying about you. I have no idea what I’m worrying about, but I can't sleep because I miss you so fucking much, and I’m so worried for some reason you aren't going to come home to me. home, yes, home. home, not camp home. home where you belong, where you're a ten minute drive away if I ever need you. I hope nothing happens to me, because I have no idea how you'll ever get to me because you'll bet you'll be the first one I want to see whenever I figure out what's going on.

I wish you were home. I care about you more than I can express, and I’m deadly afraid of what you have to say about that note with the entries on it. I want to tell you, I’ve been talking to friends about telling you or not, and they said I could. it wasn't that I’m not ready to say "I love you", I am, but I’m just scared of your reaction. I’ve never been in love before; I’ve always been on the receiving end of feelings while I remain indifferent. to be such a control freak about my emotions, and you have the ability to mess me up this much already, telling you that I’m in love with you, that I love you, even though I know you won't, knowing I’m giving you the power to completely break me down, it freaks me out. I trust you, if I didn't I wouldn't even have THOUGHT about showing you that, I know you won't hurt me, but I’ve been hurt so much before, hurt with the last boyfriend even though I’ve never opened myself up,  he was inside one layer but not completely in my heart. you got through that last door and you already have a bed set up in my heart, you've been there for a while now. I just hope soon, very soon, you'll get in touch with me and tell me how you feel about that note. I’m not looking for you to tell me you love me back, I don't want to rush you, I just want you to be okay and understand you mean the world to me.

I miss you Noah.
And I love you so much.
Please god, let us find a way into each other's arms within the next couple of weeks