My 2000 Diary Entries About Fred

January 12, 2000
For some reason, known only to a cat, Fred decided to mark me as part of his territory today. I was typing away, not paying any particular attention to him. He was, I thought, sound asleep on the floor nearby.

Suddenly, I heard this strange hissing sound and felt my arm getting a bit wet. This is the very unsubtle cat, who a few weeks ago let me know in no uncertain terms that his litter box needed changing. This he accomplished by piddling in my ear while I was trying to sleep. I woke up completely filled with FOFU or fear of feline urine.

February 22, 2000
I love the rainy season for another reason besides watching the rain come down. I love it because it makes Fred’s feet smell so good. He will come in after a few hours playing in the tall, wet grass. Once inside, he then will put one of his little paws right over my nose so I can enjoy that wonderful grass smell. I’ve heard a wet dog smell isn’t too great, but my wet cat smells absolutely delicious.

March 30, 2000
First Fred wrinkled his nose whenever I smoked a cigarette, so I stopped smoking.

He now has started to sleep on the back of my computer chair. This forces me to sit up in a proper straight-back position.

I’m waiting for him to comment in some way on my eating habits. Who needs a mother around when they have a pushy cat like Fred?

July 10, 2000

I’m finding that birds can be pretty fast around cats. Spock, my cedar tree in the front yard, has a long limb stretching out just in front of my big front window. From the limb, I’ve hung four bird feeders. There are constantly hummingbirds, finches, robins, and other types of birds eating there.

Today, I was sitting on the sofa casually watching the action. With no warning, two long black paws encircled the limb with the rest of Fred swaying back and forth three feet off the ground. The birds flew off in a flutter of wings to his complete disgust. When he heard my laugh coming through the screen window, he gave me “the look,” which most cat people know.

Fred then decided actually being on the limb would be better at catching birds. A few minutes later, he was sitting there among all the bird feeders, I guess pretending to be another branch. The returning birds were landing all around him on other smaller limbs just out of reach.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more frustrated-looking cat than Fred.

August 17, 2000
As I sat at my computer, I suddenly heard this clicking sound up near the ceiling of my office. It is a very old house with a crawl space type of attic that I just know is home to all sorts of critters. As long as they stay up there, they are welcome.

This, however, was not the usual sound, but did sound a bit familiar. Moving my head in every direction, I finally tracked the sound down to the very top shelf of one of the bookcases at the far end of the room.

A few weeks ago, I had to change keyboards from my wave ergo keyboard to a regulation type, due to the wave part constantly rubbing against a surgery incision. The ergo keyboard had been stored on the top shelf to keep it away from Fred. Right, sure, like this was possible!

He had jumped all the way up to the top of this tall bookshelf and was perched on the keyboard. He was having fun making noise by tapping one key after another to make a delightful (to him) clicking sound.

August 21, 2000
Now, I realize I’m not the best housekeeper, but who on earth dusts the top of curtain rods?

Fred jumped up to the top of those in my office while I was working this morning and ended up hanging there, crying for help. When I pulled him down, he turned his woebegone face toward me. I almost dropped him because I was laughing so hard. Cobwebs covered his face making his fur look gray instead of black, and they dripped from his long whiskers.

Thank goodness he didn’t have a spider attached to him.

September 03, 2000
I looked out in my back yard just now and saw the funniest sight. There is a bowl filled with bird seed I had put on the ground for the birds. During the day, birds are constantly eating there.

It is now early morning with no birds around, but Fred is sitting right up against the bowl watching the sky. Right! The birds are going to land there with a silly cat waiting for them.

He looked up and saw me at the window laughing. Quickly, he started washing himself and pretending he hadn’t been waiting for birds. Fred actually looked embarrassed.

September 14, 2000
Dogs can be such easy targets for cats. I heard my neighbor’s dog barking which he rarely does. When I looked out, he was standing at a gap in the fence between our two yards, almost foaming at the mouth with frustration.

On THIS side of the fence sat Fred calmly sitting near the fence and staring back at the dog. He wasn’t moving; he wasn’t talking; he was just sitting there staring at the dog.

I know how disconcerting it is to have a cat just sit there and stare. Drives me crazy, so I bet the dog felt the same way.

October 23, 2000
About 5 a.m., something very heavy crashed down on my head as I was sleeping. Fred had been on the top shelf of a 6-foot bookshelf located right behind my bed. He decided to come down but misjudged his landing spot by quite a wide mark. Thank goodness I have a thick skull, but for hours afterwards I saw Sparkles from my left eye and still have a substantial headache. I can’t imagine going to the hospital for a possible concussion caused by a flying cat.

Later this morning as I was working on the computer, that miscreant Fred sat down on my C-phone. His fat black butt caused me to be disconnected in the middle of transcribing a craniotomy. When I tried to explain this to my employer, the ladies in the digital room must have heard this before and didn’t giggle too much when I had to call them.

I think I’ll go back to bed now and try to recycle this day. It’s either that or lock Fred outside until I recover my sanity and/or health, whichever comes first.

November 01, 2000
My neighbors think I’m crazy, I know they do. In the past, they probably have had their doubts about my sanity, but tonight proved I’m truly certifiable.

It was dusk, and my little country road was quiet with just the occasional dog barking in the distance to break the silence. The birds had all bedded down for the night, and I could just about hear the faint sound of traffic half a mile away.

There I was, sitting in my doorway enjoying my favorite time of the day when my neighbor from next door drove past my home. I heard him yell from the car for his cat Sammy to get out of the road. I knew it wasn’t Sammy because he was on top of my well shed looking down at us. It had to be my Fred who resembled Sammy, both being solid black cats. Also, if any cat would refuse to move out of the road, it would be a most stubborn Fred.

Without thinking about what I was wearing, which was the bare minimum of a knee-length nightgown and nothing else, I raced down my driveway to the road to get Fred back into the yard. My neighbor was also out there trying to get the cat into his yard, not knowing it wasn’t even Sammy. I pointed this out to him, and he stopped calling to the cat.

I walked into the middle of the road with the plan of cutting off Fred from running into the yard across the road. Instead, he made a beeline away from me down the road with me chasing after him. He ducked around me as I grabbed for some part of him and headed back up the road to where he had started out. I made a quick U-turn and raced after him. This happened a couple times without my realizing his tactic was to wear me out.

All this time, my neighbor was standing in his driveway laughing at our antics. When I noticed he hadn’t gone back into his house, I also belatedly realized what I was wearing, or rather what I wasn’t wearing.

I was grateful it had gotten progressively dark while this was going on so that my blush of embarrassment couldn’t be seen. Quickly, I returned to the privacy of my front door only to find Fred sitting on my chair. He was calmly washing up and looking very pleased with himself.

I swear the men in the white coats will be coming to get me soon if Fred has his way.

December 17, 2000
I’m not going to say that Fred is dumb for that would be downright rude. However, what else can I call a cat who sticks his head down a mole hole in an attempt to catch one? He will sit by the hole for hours, just staring at it then periodically getting the “bright” idea to see if he can catch a peek at the mole.

I sincerely doubt if he would know what to do with a mole if he actually caught it.

December 23, 2000
I gave Fred an early Christmas gift of some Calamity Catnip. The only problem is that he is a mean drunk when on this particular brand of catnip. He started by knocking the container out of my hand making the dried catnip spill all over the floor. After rolling in it and nibbling and snorting it for a few minutes, he became pugnacious and attacked my innocent right hand that was minding its own business. Before I knew what was going on, I was having my knuckles noshed on by a crazed cat.

He is now lying beside my computer sound asleep in a drunken stupor. I must remember never ever to buy this brand of catnip again.

December 31, 2000

Today while trying to finish up work for the year, I saw the ultimate in cat sneakiness. In my office, I have two computer tables next to each other. The one on the left has my computer, phones, and a temporary area for the medical transcription Stedman’s books in use. To the right of my keyboard is the space where I keep the log of work being transcribed. Next to this is the second table that contains the small area of cat toys and food plus a small TV set. At the left most edge of this table is my huge Dorland’s medical dictionary. That book is also the demarcation line for where Fred is allowed. Anything to the left of the book is MY computer and off limits to him.

Today, Fred decided he wanted to sit on the forbidden table. He slowly moved over so that his head was lying on the Dorland’s with his body still on the cat table. He then got up quickly and sat down on top of the transcription log. I got a hand under his behind and pushed him back to his table with him refusing to give an inch all the way.

Abeille 1, Fred 0.

Next, again with his head on the Dorland’s and looking oh so innocent, he slid across the book in a rush to land on the transcription log. This time I caught him under his belly, lifted him up with both hands, and plopped him back on the cat table.

Abeille 2, Fred 0.

Finally realizing he would have to take a more subtle approach, Fred lay quietly with his head on the Dorland’s with his body stretched out behind him. I could almost hear the wheels turning as he thought out his next strategy. Because I still had to earn some money to pay for his cat food, I continued working but watched him out of the corner of my eye. It was very, very hard not to crack up at what he attempted next.

Ever so slowly, at the pace of an antiquated snail, he oozed over the Dorland’s centimeter by centimeter. If I hadn’t been watching, I probably wouldn’t have even noticed the movement. Not a single section of his body left the surface of the book and table, but flowed forward like a snake in slow motion. Slowing down even more, he melted over my transcription log until it was fully covered, and he was completely on the forbidden table.

Call me a soft touch, but I didn’t have the heart to kick him off it after that wonderful performance. Don’t tell me that cats aren’t intelligent.

Game, set, and match.

I wonder what antics Fred will have in 2001.

Here's another chance to read more about Fred.

My 2001 Diary Entries About Fred  (E) I survived a third year living with Fred. #1284534 by J. A. Buxton