The Teacher Conspiracy

         Samantha Anderson

Teachers: They Make Rabid Right-Wingers Look Like Freedom Loving Hippies

  (A man with dark glasses and a long trench coat is in a dim living room with outdated furniture. He is accompanied by a thin and pale person with black hair who is in his plaid pajamas. Person #2 looks like he has no idea what is going on.) Welcome. You have been selected. Our database has detected that you have aspirations of world domination. We summoned you here by means of an unmarked letter. You have one last chance to turn back. You must feel a little like Alice, tumbling through the rabbit hole. Take the blue pencil and the story ends; you can wake up in your bed thinking what you want to think. Take the red pencil and you remain in Wonderland and I will show you how deep the rabbit hole goes (takes the red pencil and the lights darken and a slide show comes on behind the speaker).
    Everything you know is a lie. All you know is that you will do almost anything for power. Don’t try to deny it. That is why you are perfect for the job we would like you to fill. What job is it?  Well, let me explain.
          Since the dawn of time there has been a secret race of people who have wanted nothing less than to control the world. It is one of the most secretive societies. We have more power than any government in the world. It may appear the opposite, but this is untrue. It is just an allusion, one we are very grateful for. The more the governments of the world clash and fight over meaningless matters such as oil, money, or religion, the less attention is drawn to us.
How is it that we have this immeasurable power? We’ve been quietly controlling the world for thousands of years. Why haven’t we been caught?
          What is one thing that the most powerful governments of the world all have in common? That’s right: some sort of school system. That is where we come in. We are teachers.
          The Greeks originally set up this secret society. They weren’t at all interested in teaching but they did want to take over the world. They noted the opportunities teaching would give them. They wondered how much people would believe. If they acted like they knew what they were talking about, what would people fall for? If they set up a building and called it a school, could they make the young vulnerable minds believe what they wanted them to?
          The “teachers” tried just that; they got some of their political friends to help them out and they set up a school. They found out that people would believe a lot. People were just dying to be told what to do and what to think so they decided to cash in on this opportunity.
    They started getting other leaders from other countries to join in on this scheme. They understood that Greece wouldn’t be a world power forever and they made sure that their legacy could live on. In the next hundred years, they controlled some of the most powerful political figures in the civilized world. They would use a primitive method of hypnosis to get into their heads and tell them what to do. They had nearly complete control of Julius Caesar, Alexander, Cleopatra, and Brutus. They used Brutus to get rid of Caesar. Caesar was starting to understand what was going on.
    Teachers continued refining their hypnoses methods, eventually getting into the category of subliminal messages. Of course, there were some relapses. The Dark Ages were an especially hard time for the teaching society. The Church, probably the only real competition in the teachers’ search for world domination, told everyone that education was evil and that science and math was the devil’s work. Of course, this isn’t true. The church just figured out what was going on after thousands of years and tried to put a stop to it. We were cutting in on their world domination aspirations (speaker rolls eyes).
    That age ended and the enlightenment came. They saw that it was time to get rid of many of the old governments. Monarchy was too iffy. Of course, the teachers “educated” the future kings and queens of the world, but they would often get too big headed with power and we had to end that. They then decided to cause great revolutions, the French, the American, and many others. The teachers used subliminal messages to send young leaders messages about monarchy being bad and democracy being the only way to go.
        Democracy gave them a lot more power and security. Before if the leader of the country got somehow out of our control, all was lost. But with democracy, there were plenty of checks and balances. If a leader becomes overzealous, kind of like what we are dealing with today, we at least have control over the Senate or the House to keep him or her relatively under our control.
        Now, how do these subliminal messages work? First, you have to get the mind into a very relaxed state. Through our studies we found that the mind is the most inactive when it is bored. That was perfect. All we had to do was ramble on about something as meaningless as poetry or something as incomprehensible as ionic compounds and our victim’s mind dive-bombs into an extreme state of boredom.

The student’s conscious hears something like “Sine equals cosine of tangent over a cosine divided by a stop sine to the square root of a billion, ”but what their subconscious is hearing is “teachers rule, ” “world domination, ” and “resistance is futile.”
          To make it even easier to crack into the central nervous system we give them homework and a lot of it. So much that they will never be able to get it all done in a normal twenty-five hour day. Didn’t you know that days are twenty-five hours long? Oh yeah, you don’t ( the speaker breaks into a fit of maniacal laughter). We lied to you about that, too. Why? Because we thought it would be funny.
Actually, there are plenty of things that are really just a joke to teachers. For example, did you know that fat and alcohol are really good for you. If everyone actually knew that then there would be less for us. So we disguised some of the most disgusting substance known to man-fruits, vegetables, water- and called them “ the healthy foods.” We tell you that they will help you lose weight and make you live longer. Then we laugh at you when you attempt to swallow down these foul substance that were once, actually, used for torture in the Middle Ages.
         Something else we always wanted to try was to do was to get a complete idiot into the American White House. Someone that has no business graduating kindergarten let alone running a country. Well, we saw our opportunity rise with George W. Bush. We brainwashed the voters to vote for George W. and we had to do a lot of brain washing. Even Americans aren’t that stupid. It was well worth it.  It really is just a riot. “Operation Iraqi Freedom, ” “Operation Shock and Awe, ” “The War on Terror,” -how does he come up with those names? And have you seen his speeches? When he was young we purposefully didn’t give him a speaking level past the third grade. Of course putting someone with such a low mental capacity is a big risk. So, we put one of our droids in as vice president. Sure it has some flaws. The droid has occasional mechanical failures that we label as “heart attacks. ” If Dick Cheney were a real person he would be dead by now, but all we have to do is reboot him and he’s as good as new.
         Anyway, we give the students so much homework that they are forced to stay up most of the night finishing it. That way they are exhausted when they come to school. Then, so they cannot even get a fake burst of energy while they are in class, we make coffee and soda against “school policy. ” School policy is really a bunch of random rules we make up to benefit us.  They really have no benefit for the students at all. That way they are forced to be exhausted and we can lodge more messages into their brains.
         How do we know that everything is working? We have cameras all over the school; we are always watching. We keep a close watch on the smarter kids especially. If they become a threat to our society, we either attempt to recruit them, put them in “advanced classes” for more concentrated brain washing, or call our powerful Mafia friends to have them “dealt with.”
         A lazy kid is a whole different story. You know the kids that sit in the back, never do their homework, and never pay attention, making it very difficult to deal with. First, we try putting them in detention. We attempt to brainwash them further while they are in detention. We have figured out a method of brainwashing that requires no noise that the human conscious can hear, It’s almost like a dog whistle. The students don’t even know there is any noise going on. They think that they are sitting in complete silence (breaks into another fit of maniacal laughter). If that doesn’t work, we call their parents. We tell them that we are concerned about their child’s “well-being” and we would like them to start paying more attention to their grades at home and maybe they could give them “constructive” punishments for not doing their work and getting bad grades. This normally works. Of course, there are some that slip beyond our reach.
         All of these subliminal messages and attempts to take over the world takes a toll on us, as well. Our tolerance is long gone. We have a bunch of repressed anger from working so hard that we have to channel our anger out in the form of pop quizzes. We love the shocked looks our students get on their faces when we pass out a quiz. There is no better motivator than a student’s sobs. If we become too high strung, we can always take refuge in the teachers lounge.
The teachers lounge has the top team of masseuses in the world. It also has a chocolate bar, an open bar, a big screen TV, and a game we created. It’s a virtual simulator. The idea is to assign as much homework to a student as physically possible. If we make them have a mental breakdown or question why they bother with life, we get bonus points. The teachers lounge is also our database. It has a big room of maps of the world, wires for the video feeds, and a bunch of phones so we can stay in touch with other teachers around the world. We have an advanced security system and whenever an unknown fingerprint opens the door the evidence is covered with a holographic feed of coffee tables, refrigerators, and lesson plans. Yes, it is astonishing. Our genius even amazes us at times.
                   Well, that is all you need to know for now. Your training will begin in one week. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. I ,personally, feel honored to be part of this society. There is nothing else like it in the world.
The lights come back on and the speaker looks hopefully at the man in his pajamas only to find him in an educational slideshow induced slumber.