with coffee

Reflected light and empty silence scattered around the once crowded Palm House as I lay down in a thin blue mat on the floor. I rolled left and right but the thought of being the only one left could not skip the longing that I would soon embrace. My sighs were slow but each one was a treasured moment in the house that I could not spare. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the world around, imagining the things that once were and now then.

About two weeks ago, the place was so crowded with printers, papers and rushing people catching up deadlines. It was like Lexmark, where I used to have my on-the-job training. I’d used to joke around that “Lexmark is hiring new employees because it just opened a new Apartment”.

I’d never realized until now how useful laughs could be in times of desperation. They were like refreshing cold drink from a long heated walk, highly appreciated when all the people are hands on in their computers or laptops and their eyes staring steadily to a bundle of code where they are looking for a single error character. I missed those days and nights. The world seemed to be so lonely when all the people left you. I never thought that the Palm House would be this silent, that I would feel again this sudden emptiness inside, like a rapid blank around you. You get confused that when you walk, you wouldn’t know where to go or how you got there. It was like looking for nothing but you still kept searching. I was just too confused to let go.

Empty silence continued and I started to stare at the ceiling, hearing the different laughs and stories of the adjacent apartment. The white colored room now turned to dark luminous shadowed walls that wearied me down. I had this feeling once. This emptiness I could not understand. I felt it again and I was afraid. I never thought I’d feel it all over again. It was when I worked with the USC Website.

We had the good times there and bad ones too. We had our office mom, who I used to walk down to the guard house when she went home. Who kept telling me that she was a forty year old woman who doesn’t look like one and honestly - she doesn’t. When I first met her I thought she was a woman who was in her middle thirties who wants to mingle with twenty year olds. When I learned more about her, she was a territorial boss who frequently says the “F” word. She’d make meetings where she would ask questions that were only answerable by ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and we would have the hardest time to respond. She’d make a good manager but mostly, she’d make a perfect mother. She took care of us like we were her own children. I once told her that, “maybe this is a preparation for your growing children”. In the team of students, we were ten guys and a girl. As for her children, if I could remember, she had three boys and a girl.

So in the office, the “Cocofed”, felt more likely a home than a working area. Some of us stayed there for about six days a week and sometimes on Sundays too. I’d always miss the times when we kept playing games and seemed to forget the work that we had to finish. The times when we bought grilled food and have some get together dinner. We cashed out one of our allowances that were just around more than two thousand and have a really good time in our small home. It was our little way of taking a break. But mostly I won’t forget the beers that me and our office mom bought and drank in the office just to cool us down after a hard days work. She needed that though, because she hyperventilates when she’s too stressed out. So more or less she needed to calm down.

I could even remember the first time I tried to have an overnight stay at the office but we were denied because the papers were still not processed and I was forced to stay at my friend’s boarding house that was like a Sulpicio Lines boat. There were also times when bad things plagued the Cocofed. Those were the days when we found out that the website was not credited to be our thesis. We, the students were devastated. At first it was like the world turned upside down. It seemed wrong. I could always remember that our office mom kept telling us to lay down all your cards until there’s nothing left. We were upset. We went to the Computer Engineering professors thinking they could help, yet the result was still the same. Crediting the website was still denied.

Then there was also a time when one of our own betrayed us. It was the start of a downfall. He used the whole idea of the website to another project without telling us. It wasn’t supposed to be that of a big deal if he only told us. I can still remember telling him in his face (I still didn’t know he was the one who betrayed us), “we can sue this guy, right?” If only I’d knew. The plague continued, a ten point agenda against the website, telling the whole university that the USC Website is the most expensive. I hope they knew what they were talking. If they were in our place, they wouldn’t say something like that. We slept in tables (five of us in three combined tables), chairs (by which when we woke up we get headaches and back pains) and floors because we were boxed-in in a small house. We get bitten by mosquitoes and even got sick for working hard and all they could give us is a small late-in-giving allowance. But we never seemed to complain and if we do, they’d give us unending reasons.

We had great plans for the project. I’ve always thought to have a picture of the original web team and frame it. When the website gets big and the world already recognizes the university in cyberspace, the new team would look at the frame and say “there they are, the original USC Website Team.” Great plans but some people felt that they were stepped on by us. They never seemed to understand the website’s capabilities in helping the university. They kept pulling us down to the point that we would hand it to them, but it never happened. We made sure the website never got to there hands, maybe some part of it but not completely. I could not solve the puzzle in my head, thinking why religious and dedicated administrators would do such evil acts. Maybe their ego has eaten their soul. At that time it was really ironic, there was a theme in the university saying something like “Shape The World” but in the real sense, the university was never ready for the world in the first place.

By the time we can no longer have overnights and our office mom had to go because she was bombarded with false arguments and all our plans never seemed to come to its light, it was the first time I felt the emptiness. This unanswered confusion inside. At that point, it was hard to let go of the five months of laughter and tears. It was like following where the bad wind blows you, just pursuing where my feet lead me. The weirdest part is that it never seemed to go somewhere meaningful. People weren’t there. I got no one to call or text to. I tried to text someone I care but she hadn’t replied which made it even worse. The hasty wind seemed to blow hard and I could feel every tick of time as it passes me by. It felt like I was in the wrong place at the right time. Nobody was there to give me a caring big hug and I needed it badly. I wanted to go to the open waters and cry out what I felt inside. An endless oblivion surrounds me then and now, it happened again, it was even worse.

I kept staring at the seemingly darkened ceiling and I was too confused that I remembered the good and bad old days in college. I smiled at myself thinking about those days. As far as I can remember I never wanted to be a Computer Engineering student, it was an accident that I became one. I wanted to take up Computer Science but sad to say I wasn’t able to enroll and got closed. Soon after, I learned to love my course and I mean really love it. Maybe I was destined for it, who knows.

I started my college empty handed. I didn’t know what Computer Engineering was. All I know it involves computers and lots of math. As for my starting habits, me and my high school “barkada” chased concerts, have “tagay sessions” at one of my friend’s house and hanged out with our psychology girl friends.  Those were the early days of my college until I decided to be active. At that time, I felt the need to be in a group or organization. There were lots of offers but I decided to be in our own department, so I joined the Computer Engineering Council. I was just a public relations officer then. Not that much of a role but I made most out of it. My CAT-1 commandant always told me to do the best that I have, even to the tiniest role. Some big trees come from the smallest of seeds. I’ve always kept that in mind. The next year I became the Vice-President of our batch council and the President of the whole Computer Engineering Council, a big role for an insignificant me. I never even felt that I deserved it and really hope I didn’t stepped on any one’s shoes. I’ve always been afraid that others might get angry at me. When you’re an officer, people expect something from you. They kept criticizing you at your back.

Forth year was the most tiresome year I had. I had too much role that it was too hard to endure and too painful to ignore. At first I didn’t know if I could balance it. It even crossed my mind to quit in the council but I didn’t. I passed through all the trials of what my role is all about, I carried the burden and kept my tact at the right place. I tried to be fair in every aspect of what I do but some people never understood that.

During the enrollment, I tried to help our batch get enrolled to their specific majors. I ran up and down just to get the “list” being fixed. I went inside and out of the department office with sweat all over me. I knew I could get sick for doing it but in the back of my mind I knew I had to do it or we won’t be enrolled. Then I got shouted at because some people were too angry that they haven’t got the schedule they wanted, not even thinking that I only had two subjects enrolled. I was the first to go there and ran through everything so others could get enrolled and at the end, I wasn’t even enrolled. It’s frustrating to accept when I help the world so much and I can’t even help myself.

Then and there I realized that people don’t understand me. It seems like when everything is in chaos, people don’t seem to care about people. The animal instinct seeps out in them. Survival of the fittest they say. I was never a perfect person, I can’t even say I’m a good one but there’s one thing I know, I sympathize a lot. I tend to care too much about the people around me but I guess the sad part is that I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to satisfy them. Sometimes I get confused why they get angry when I tried to help them. Like for instance during our thesis, I tell people that their project somehow needs this and that to be perfect and all they could tell me is that I’m making it hard for them. I rest my case on that; it’s not mine though. I can’t seem to understand them and they seemed to return the favor. Then at the end, they still did it because they found out that it was really needed for the thesis. What does this make me? The mighty forceful dark knight Batman or the laughing Joker who people just took for granted until things started to explode.

I circled my sight around the room remembering the people that were once there. Friends coming over from different boarding house and we would go out either to play or have our night out. I wished those people were there and we could have our last drinking session and get really wasted. The silence seemed to sympathize the feeling. I smiled imagining the face of my friend vomiting in the balcony in which I thought it was raining. We used to have night outs at “Cheavers” and I would always love to see my friends get wasted. They were moments not to be forgotten. The dark blue colored aura and the groovy music seems to stir up everyone’s mood for beer. The “tangero” passes around the half filled glass with beer and ice as everyone around starts their crazy and non-sense stories just to have fun. Just after about few rounds, my friends would start speaking English that would not make any sense and would just make an unending laugh at the end. Some get hostile and threw ice bucket at the table and some would ask for more. Then the crowd started to grew bigger and bigger. Every other round, a new comer would appear and continues the nightly fun. Eyes grew weary and our stomach starts to get heavy. Head starts spinning or is somewhat like being slightly pushed constantly. Our bodies started to wave away with the aura as the waiter adds another set of beer. Others started to bend over their heavy head to the shoulders of the one beside them. Lovers started to get even closer to each other that no air could pass right through. Stories still continued and some would stand and go to the comfort lounge. As they stood up looking at the floor where they were standing and started to balance their way towards the lounge and still looking at the floor. Some calling for a friend to hold on too but some are brave enough to go alone.

Reaching the lounge with or without a friend would be a relief but not a success. It was still half the consequence. Directly entering the unoccupied toilet and slammed the door closed to be alone for the most gruesome ritual of being wasted. Bent down and holding on to anything that you can hold on too as the ritual starts. A sudden force starts to move inside you. Breathing seems to stop, the stomach starts to squeeze in as you grip a little stronger to what you are holding on and bent even deeper. Some would close their eyes because of the intoxicating feeling that was about to come out. Then you inhale your last breath as the force starts to move up to your throat. Your throat then starts to squeeze what was inside you. An indescribable colored liquid containing everything you ate with a most awful smell which just came out of your mouth. Your breathing was put to halt as it kept pouring down from your mouth wishing it would stop right there and then. To some it would and to the other few it would continue for about two to four rounds of gruesome vomiting until the alcohol gets out of their system. Eyes where then watery and your saliva kept sliding down from your opened mouth. For a moment, you were stunned and happy that you’re about to finish the ritual. Getting right up and wiping your mouth as you flushed away the physical evidence of being wasted. The ritual would then end by telling yourself at the mirror outside: “I can survive the night!!” The great thing for me about drinking sessions is that when you ask the wasted person a question, he or she would honestly answer it with no hesitations. Confessions were the best part of having those talks. When others would start to confess what they feel about something, that’s when the real fun begins. I never thought imagining yesterdays was so intoxicating.

I smiled to myself realizing I was alone. I guess I could never bring back those good old days when I finally needed one. The night continued and my worn out heart was still waiting for something that could never happen.

I looked at the light that came through the window that spread at the walls of the room and just stared at it blankly hoping that I would fell asleep. The laughs next door grew stronger as my sighs started to get deeper. The night breeze seems to be hard outside but when it got in, it solemnly turns to whispers of the unforgettable yesterdays that happened within. This made me even lonelier. I took a deep strong breath and released it as if letting go a great big burden. I gently closed my eyes and tried not to remember yesterday. I opened them back and I slowly reached my phone beside me. I pressed the select button and the ‘*’ unlocking the keypad, the light of my phone startled me as I scanned my phone book. From ‘A’ to the very last end of it I wearily scanned until I met the name I was afraid to remember. I was unsure if I would text her. I knew she wouldn’t respond just like before and it would be just a big disappointment for me. It would just make things worse again. But all that, I still moved my fingers, pressing the keys that sum up to the message that I would just soon regret. With all the hesitations, I still sent the message. I laughed at myself once again for being stupid. Then a cold silent passed by. The laughs outside seemed to stop and the breeze had halted. A sudden picture of her crossed my mind. I close my eyes but the picture became clearer so I immediately opened them. I leaned my head harder on the mat and started to slightly bang it on the floor until it hurts but it didn’t stop me from thinking of her. I was waiting for her response. I knew she’d never answer back, sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t but at that time, I knew she wouldn’t. I was waiting for something that would never come. I really don’t know how she feels about me, all I know is that we fight a lot but I still like her. I don’t know why that is. I got angry at her at the same time wanted to be by her side. There were times I wanted to stay away from her because it hurts too much of falling for someone who I can never have. It was a-lose-lose situation. I knew I’d never win her from the start even how hard I try and if I don’t try and just keep silent about how I feel, my feelings would consume me like a kryptonite consuming Superman’s energy.

So I decided to care for her no matter what, win or lose, doesn’t matter anymore. It was the only way to release me from my bandage. I used to help her in some of her projects and just stare at her when she was doing what I told her to do. Just stare at her and get lost to the constellation of wonders that surround the moment. She would make a funny but indescribable look in her face when she found out that her code doesn’t work then I would point to her where the wrong code was and she’d mumbled at herself which was really cute as I would just smile and stare back. How’d I wish I could do that for eternity. Then her phone rang interrupting my moment of dreaming. It was someone more significant. It hurts all the time though, and then sometimes I would feel guilty and made up thousand reasons to say that I had to go. Then as I stepped out from her place, slowly opening the door waiting what she usually say when I was about to go; “thank you!!” Her words were like rewards I couldn’t accept. I stepped outside and looked at the starry night then asked myself why I had even gone there. I was too afraid I wouldn’t see her tomorrow. Every chance I could get I was too afraid to waste them when I haven’t even had one. Remembering her was like picture that made you smile – a frozen blissful moment that you want to hold on forever. But at the same time, an equation that cannot be balanced, a clue that practically leads to nowhere.

All the remembering made the room smaller. The shadow then started to get creepier and the laughs outside seemed to grow back its loudness. Mosquitoes started to bite me; it was getting uncomfortable. The cold floor was strangely inviting me to go to sleep but at that point I was no longer ready for one. I was still waiting for a miracle that would never happen. I was being miserable. All this time I kept asking the question: “why can’t the world understand me!?” when there was really no answer to that question because I was asking the wrong one. It was actually, “why can’t I understand the world?” When I realized it, I grabbed my phone and started to text my friend as I asked her to go with me for a coffee. I guess there was no escaping of being miserable – why not embrace it and share it with someone, and with a coffee. It’s not that bad anyway…