Fire and Brimstone Christmas Mass

There was a church in Camden, New Jersey that was having a Christmas Mass, where the reverend was giving an outstanding sermon on the Gospel According to Matthew.  There were several normally unreligious people in the church, one of which the reverend believed had never heard of Jesus, or manners for that matter.

“Mary was knocked up by God?” questioned a drunken homeless man.  “T’at doesn’t make any sense at all!  I mean, God ain’t a person t’at can do somet’ing like t’at.”

The reverend backed up a little, startled by the drunk’s blasphemous words and said, “God begot the baby Jesus using Mary as a vessel.”

“I have’ta have more proof t’an what a two-thousand year book says,” slurred the drunk getting out of his pew.


“This book happens to be written by St. Peter who had visions of god,” said the reverend, holding the book in hand and pointing at it.

“Sounds like ol’ Pete had a bit too much refer, if you know w’at I mean.”

"What in heaven's name...  What are you doing here, if you can not respect the saints?"

Another homeless man looked at him with a frank smile and stumbled up to him breathing a foul stench as he said, "To get outta the cold, mista.  You gotta problem wit dat?"

“I've got a problem with unholy people laying about my church.  Now, sit down, or else I’ll kick you out of the house of god!” yelled the reverend gesturing his hand toward the door.

The hobo, in a drunken fit, threw his bottle of what looked like moonshine at the reverend, hitting the pedestal and getting the carpet and the reverend soaked with alcohol.  In the confusion, several other drunks started doing the same thing throwing several bottles of whiskey.

The reverend, with an angry beet-red flushed face, yelled at the homeless people, “Get out of here!  Go back to where you belong: the streets!”  He left his pedestal and pushed all of the reluctant drunks out of the church and into the cold Jersey streets.  He walked back to the pedestal smelling as if he was sweating vodka and whiskey.

His tone after the incident was much harsher, as he decided to skip most of the New Testament and go straight to Revelations.  “And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone,” shouted the reverend as a clergy boy went up to him to give him a candle, “where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever!”

The clergy boy stepped on his robe, causing him to trip sending the lit candle flying toward the reverend as it danced in the air.  The flame fell upon the carpet, instantly igniting the alcohol and the reverend while he was speaking of Revelations.  Although a grand wall of fire shone behind him, he continued his ranting speech, not even noticing the horror of the worshipers.  “…and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.”  The wall behind him was flaming high and the crucifix that hanged there was starting to waver.  Its golden trim was melting and the bronze figure of Christ was turning from his stoic expression to one of hatred, his eyes square upon the priest.  The cross fell and killed the priest, and the congregation fled from the burning building.