What's Wrong?

What’s Wrong with Me?

I teeter on the brink--
Sway in halting motion, don’t lean too far
Too late
Falling
Falling
Falling
Head first into a swamp.
Dark, suffocating
Hold your breath!
Confused
Panicked
Hands reach up in instinct,
They claw in futile attempt through the mire for a hold
Feet hit bottom
Push off of the floor
Sinking
Quicksand
Trapped
No!
Dark
Will I ever get out?
Will I be here forever?
Can’t breathe!
I flail until my hand feels a wall
Hold on for dear life
Pull my feet out of the quicksand
I climb
Slowly
Too slow
It hurts
Climb
More
more
How far up?
more
more
Give up?
More
…
AIR!
Climb back onto the brink
Catch my breath
Keep balance
Don’t want to do that again
Careful
Careful
Can’t help it.

I fall
But this is fun!
I’m a pinball rolling down a track
Joyful, ecstatic
Fast
Nothing can stop me!
Bounce off of the walls
No pain
Faster
Faster!
Up a ramp
I’m flying!
I’m soaring!
I’m…

Falling
Falling
Falling
Brink?
No
Past the brink.
Head first into the dark
So deep
Where am I?
Swamp
Can’t see.
Which way up?
How?
Down
Down
Down
Feet sink into quicksand
Shit.
Shit.
Flail, wall, hold
Brace
Climb
Climb
Climb
Tired
Let go?
No.
Climb.
How far this time?
More
More
Climb
Step
Hold
Good girl
Bad girl?
Is that why? Am I being punished?
Climb
Climb
How far?
How far?
More?
MORE?
Light!
Climb back on to the brink.
I notice people around me
Stop falling! Someone yells,
It’s not good for you.
It’s distracting, too, yells someone else.
Why can’t you keep balance like us?
I don’t know.
Why can’t I stay up like you?
You tell us.
I don’t know.
Then I notice they have a right foot and a left foot.
I look down at my feet.
I have two left feet.
Well, that’s your problem, they say,
Looks like you’ll need this.
What is this?
It helps you balance. Put one in your head every day.
Okay.
I put it in my head.
My body stiffens
Stiff arms
Stiff legs
There. Now you can’t sway.
Sticky feet
You can’t move too fast any more, either.
No more falling for you! You’re welcome.
Thank you.
Insert.
Step.
Insert.
Step.
This is better.
I think.
Better than the swamp.
Insert.
Step.
Insert.
Step.
Can’t look around.
Too hard.
Too stiff.
Easier to just step.
Better than the swamp.
Insert.
One foot
Now the other
Insert.
Step.
A smile from over there.
I smile.
I want to wave but I’m too stiff.
I’m sorry.
This sucks.
Remember the swamp?
Yes.
Isn’t this better than the swamp?
Yes.
But I remember the pinball machine, too.
Remember the swamp!
…
Insert.
Step.
Gray.
Insert.
Step.
Monotonous.
I see the swamp out of the corner of my eye.
Ins… AUUUUUUGGGGGHH!
Toss!
No more!
I can do this by myself.
I just have to be careful. That’s all.
Step…
Step…
Whew.
Safe.
Safe?
Step.
Okay.
What?
Blind-sided.
Knocked off balance.
What was that?
Head first into
Swamp.
No…
No…
Why?
Exhausted.
No tears.
Too tired to cry.
No fight left.
No more questions.
Just
Sink.
Sink.
Sink.
Seems deeper every time.
Can’t tell.
Sinking further.
Don’t care.
No use fighting.
No fight left.
Hope?
Hope betrays me
Hope is the pinball machine
And it always spits me back out here
Into the swamp
Where it’s always darker than before
This is my only clue--
This darkness that seems to span infinitely in every direction
This is my only certainty--
That I will hit bottom.
Tired.
So tired.
The dark almost seems comfortable.
Welcoming.
Seductive.
Easy.
I know if I stay, I’ll drown.
Should I try climbing back?
One more time?
What then, after this one more time?
Will there be a one more time after that?
How many one more times?
When do I get to rest?
Do you get to rest?
Ever?
Maybe no one really gets to rest,
But then how are they not tired like me?
Why am I so tired?
Because you keep falling.
Why do I keep falling?
Because you can’t keep your balance.
Why can’t I keep my balance?
Because you have two left feet.
Why do I have two left feet?
Just unlucky, I guess…
I don’t want to go back up.
I hate being stiff.
I feel like a dead person walking.
Why not stay here?
…
Get the dying over with all at once?
…
Because.
Because?
Because…
…
Because I have someone waiting for me.
I believe I have something waiting for me.
Something great. Something good.
Because I dream of dancing.
Because something tells me that even with my two left feet,
I could dance.
Somehow.
Just have to figure out how.
How?
I don’t know!
Can’t breathe.
Have to get out of here.
Flail.
A branch!
The wall.
Hold.
Brace.
Pull.
Pull!
PULL!
Why is it so much harder this time?
Because the sand has me up to my knees.
Why?
That voice.
Who…?
Me. Dear Lord, it was me.
That was close.
Scary.
Shake it off. Climb.
Climb.
Up.
You went a long way down.
It’s along way up.
Climb.
Aches.
Pains.
Sore.
Tired.
No!
Climb.
Hold your breath just a little longer.
Almost.
How do I know?
Maybe not. Just keep climbing.
Almost.
More.
Just a little bit more.
Slip!
HOLD ON!
Fingertips straining.
Don’t let go!
Easier to let go.
NO!
Climb!
Almost.
Almost…
One… more… time…..
I almost see the…
Sky?
SKY!
Oh, God.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Oh, God.
Breathe.
…
Breathe.
Okay…
I’m okay.
I’m safe.
For now.
…
… Breathe…
How long?
But I’m safe.
Breathe…
For how long?
I don’t know.
I don’t know…
Shake it off.
I climb up.
I teeter on the brink.