Struggle in Faith

         This is hands down one of the hardest things I have had to do this years, I cant figure out what to write about! There are many times I have thought I knew but after the first paragraph I just drew a blank. I have been fighting myself on this. But that is the story of my life; all I have been doing is struggling and fighting. I will admit though one of my hardest battles was my struggle with God.
         This was a battle, that for the longest of time I didn’t even know about. Wait no that is not right. I knew about this battle, I just never wanted to admit it to myself. I never felt it was something I could admit. But how could I? I always had this pressure on me to be this little perfect Christian girl. And to everyone that is what I appeared to be.
         On weekends I was with my mom, I went to church and over the summer I went to church camp (mainly to get away from my dad.) But something just wasn’t there. I never felt the presences of God.
         Ironically enough, I was my moms Christian strong hold. Whenever she went into a mental break down I always was there. I told her that God loved her, and that everything would be all right. That though we are hurting now later on we would be rewarded. Those were times when it was hardest to admit I had a struggle with God.
         As I sit here now I still find myself trying to block this all out. Trying to make myself believe I never had this problem. I try to make myself believe a lot of things that are not true. But I also try to make myself believe things that are true. I play a lot of mind games with myself.
         I have had a lot of bad church related issues, for instance one year at church camp they thought it was a good idea to have everyone who wasn’t baptized come up to the front. Who ever thought of that must not have been thinking. Doing that was like telling us to stand out in front of the crowd and say “look at me I haven’t accepted Jesus into my heart.” In doing that it almost forced us to be baptized because we felt like we had done something wrong in not expecting Jesus into our hearts. So of course by the end of the week, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US was baptized. Me being one of them, looking back at that I feel very…bad…(I think you get the point I didn’t feel right about doing it.)
         One of the steps into accepting God into your heart is being ready. When I was younger I thought I knew what that meant. But now I realize what that really means. It is not something were you can go “Yeah I think I’m ready.” It takes time; it’s a life changing commitment. Something you have to think about, pray about. And ask yourself “Am I really ready?”
         You don’t ask an eleven year old “are you ready to let God in your life?” Yeah at the time it seems like a good idea, but when you’re that young you don’t think things through. You don’t understand what it really means.
         I am sixteen now and struggling with this more then ever. I think it is because I have not only admitted that I have not fully accepted god into my heart but I am also trying to decide if I am ready to accept him. Reading over this, I feel…horrible…what kind of question is this? Am I ready to accept God? Why shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t even have to ask myself this! Would my life truly be any different if I did or didn’t accept him now? I don’t do drugs, I don’t go around having sex, I try to live a good Christian life, I bring people to church…so…were is the problem? WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!
         God the Father, God this son, God the holy spirit…my whole life I have never really had a father. My step-dad is off in his own little world; he doesn’t talk much, I just…I don’t feel like I can connect with him in anyway. And then my real father…abusive, sadistic, cruel, master at mind games…can you see why it is so hard for me to get close to any short of guy? I ether don’t know how to interact with them, or I am too afraid to even try. Can you blame me for not wanting to get hurt again? Even though I know God would never hurt me… I just…I don’t know anymore. I am afraid, confused and scared. I have let fear rule my life.
         I still can’t tell if I am thinking to hard about this, or if I am not thinking hard enough. I know what I want in life, or at least I did. I though I was finally coming out of the dark. That everything was finally going to make sense and stop hurting. But now I am even more confused, and even more lost in the dark.
         Maybe it is time, for me to stop fighting. My whole life that is all I have done. Fight and struggle, I have always wanted to do it on my own. To afraid to let someone in, to be hurt again, but now I am tired my body is finally telling me enough is enough. It is time for me to let go and let God. I didn’t expect writing this would bring me to tears. I am tired and weak. But I think I am finally ready to let go and surrender myself to God. Let him take me under his wing. Though I am broken, he still sees me as something beautiful and precious I am his child, he is my father. I don’t think there is anything left to say…