The Beautiful Bird

      Tina looked at the digital clock on her bedside table.  Five o'clock.  Ryan would be up any minute.  He was an early riser by nature. Tina was one by necessity.  She closed her brown eyes in hopes that Ryan's  bout with the flu left him tired enough to sleep in.

    "Mama, I'm awake!"  Ryan called.

    Tina moaned into her pillow.  She didn't know how he did it.  Up until two and bright eyed and busy tailed at five.

    "Mama!"

    "Yes, Ryan,"  Tina raised her head off the pillow. "Five more minutes!"  her head fell back down.

    "No, now!"

    "Ryan, please.  Mama's tired!"

    "I'm hungry!"

    Tina sighed as she threw back the covers.  Arguing with him was a lesson in futility, she learned long ago.  She slid her slightly large legs over the side of the bed.  When her feet touched the floor she raised her torso off the mattress then she stood up disoriented.  Maybe he'd compromise and let her lay down with him and they could both go back to sleep.  He had to be tired.

    When Tina entered Ryan's bedroom she saw her plans were not going to pan out.  He was sitting up, all smiles, arms outstretched.
 
    "Morning, mama."

    "Morning, Bumble Bee,"  she said as she wearily approached for a hug.

    Ryan loved mornings.  He loved when his mama came into his room and greeted him  with a great big hug and a kiss.

    "It's going to be a great day isn't it, mama?" he said with his chin resting on her shoulder.

    "Yes, it is, sir," she said before kissing his cheek.  Then she looked at him, ruffled his sandy blond hair and smiled.

    Mama had a beautiful smile, Ryan thought.  It was big and shiny just like the sunshine.  He giggled.

    "What's so funny?" .

    "I was thinking of sunshine."

    Tina shook her head.  "Come on, up."

    "Lift me."  Ryan held out his arms.

    Tina stood up.  "You know you're too big for me to lift."  She headed toward the bureau.  "Get up and get ready for your shower."

    "Mama, aren't you going to ask me how I feel today?

      She pulled out a pair of jeans and a green sweater she loved because it brought out the color in Ryan's hazel eyes.  "I can tell you're feeling just fine, pumpkin pie."

    Mama was so smart and knew everything in the whole wide world.  Ryan hoped someday he'd be just like her.

    Tina turned toward him.  He was still sitting up in bed. Inside her head she was saying, Jesus fucken Christ all mighty, why the hell can't you do a simple thing like getting out of bed by yourself? 

    "What you waiting for, sugar plum?" is what Ryan heard.

    "Will you hold my hands and pull?"  He knew mama could still do that.  He'd never be too big to get a helping hand or hugs or kisses.  But he sure wished he could feel what it was like to be swooped off the bed into mama's arms again.  It was like being up in the sky on a cloud.

    Tina sighed as she laid the clothes on a chair. She felt her patience dwindling.  Once Ryan got into the shower and she got her coffee she'd be better but getting to that point was an especially difficult chore that sleep deprived morning.

    "Just get up, Ryan."

    "Please, mama."  Ryan whined.

    "Fine."  Tina said through gritted teeth as she rushed to the bed and grabbed his hands.  She pulled.  "Now get your ass up for shits sake."

    Ryan didn't like it when mama was mad at him and he began to cry as he got to his feet.  "You hate me."

    "No Ryan, I hate the fact you're eighteen years old and you still can't get up and take care of yourself!  That's what I fucken hate!" 

    And she hated it when she lost her temper with him.  It wasn't his fault.  If there was any one to blame it would be herself.  Just ask her father or her brother, the teachers at Ryan's school, the neighbors, the mailman.  Ask any one and they'd tell you it was all her fault. 

    No one understood what it was like for her.  No one knew what is was like to have a beautiful, good natured, loving baby that was the envy of every parent and then suddenly...

    "Ti, shouldn't Ryan be walking by now?"

    "I remember you and your brother were talking by Ryan's age."

    "Miss Braden, we strongly suggest you have Ryan tested.  He is far behind the other children."

    Tina had convinced herself people were jealous.  Jealous because while other kids were raising a fuss and causing all kinds of havoc, Ryan just got sweeter and more loving.  So what if he was a little bit behind in stupid things like walking and talking and learning.  He was a beautiful child and a complete joy.  He'd catch up.  To make sure he did, Tina took to tutoring him and refused to have him evaluated or put into special classes.  Until second grade things weren't so bad.

    Ryan wrapped his arms around Tina and mercifully broke her out of her memories.  "I'm sorry, mama."

    "No, baby,"  Tina hugged him, "I'm sorry.  I'm just very tired."

    "You should take a nap."

    Tina laughed.  "Maybe later.  Your clothes are on the chair for when you're done with your shower."

    "Okay, mama."  he kissed her cheek before heading to his bathroom.

    "Don't forget to take your underwear off this time, Bug,"  Tina called to him.

    "I won't."

    Getting dressed, showers and other bathroom activities was where Tina put her foot down on Ryan's need to involve her in his rituals.  In his mind he was still a child but his body hadn't gotten the message. He was a quarter of an inch shy of six foot, took a size eleven shoe and wore a thirty six pant.  She didn't need to know anything else.

    When Tina walked downstairs into the kitchen the aroma of fresh brewed coffee filled her nostrils. She silently praised the genius who came up with the idea of auto brew.  She poured the hot black liquid into her own invention, a travel mug with creamer and sugar already waiting.  She sipped it as she walked over to the island and got comfortable on the stool.

      Meanwhile upstairs, Ryan lathered up the green soap and scrubbed behind his ears.  He didn't want potatoes growing back there.  Then he washed his neck.  Saturn's supposed to have rings, necks aren't.  His arm pits were next followed by his arms, belly and legs,  just for April freshness. His feet. Heels because that's what got most of the crap and between the toes because things worse than potatos could grow there.  He always saved his hair for last because the soap from the shampoo would get anything he might have missed.  Ryan came up with that one on his own.

      As the shampoo and water cascaded down his face, Ryan thought about what he and mama would do that day.  If he was lucky they would go visit grandpa when the sun came up and then they would go to McDonald's and then iceskating, then get ice cream and then... Ryan got very excited about his day and couldn't help jumping up and down even though he knew that wasn't safe  Ryan breathed a sigh of relief when he pushed down the knob to turn the water off and there hadn't been an accident.

    Tina craddled the phone between her shoulder and her ear, while she got out the makings for cereal.  "Yeah, he's fine today...No, I took the whole week off just in case...I'm keeping him home today but tomorrow he's going-I could use the break."

    Just then the milk slipped out of Tina's hand and landed on the floor.  "Shit.  Tim I've got to let you go, I've got a puddle of milk I need to clean up...Okay, see you then.  I love you too."

    "Why not?"  Tina said to the milk before going to the utility closet for the mop.

    Ryan wrapped his ducky towel around him and went into his bedroom.  He raised his lip when he saw the green sweater sitting on the chair.  Not one of his favorites, it made him itch, but mama said it made him look handsome.  Ryan would rather be comfortable than handsome but it was a small thing and made mama happy, Ryan thought as he slipped the sweater over his head.

    The sound of Ryan's footsteps coming down the stairs made Tina sigh.  How had her life turned into such a routine, she thought as she set the bowl of cereal on the island.

    "Mama,"  Ryan skipped into the kitchen, "I've got some great ideas for our day."

    Tina smiled.  "I'm sure you do, my love.  Tell me after breakfast, okay?"

    Ryan nodded and sat down to eat his cereal.

      As Tina watched him her mind wondered to  what life would be like if Ryan had been different.  He was such a good looking boy she knew he'd be beating the girls off with a stick and the house would be filled with the guys from school eating her out of house and home. Then he'd be asking to take the car until she broke down and bought him his own after her millonth lecture on driving safety, which he would ignore.  She'd be able to sleep as late as her job allowed and she could go out and do whatever she wanted, when ever she wanted.  She wouldn't have the house and the money but that would be alright with her.

    Tina was brought out of her reverly by an armpit in her face.  "Mama, smell."

    She pushed his arm away.  "Ryan, I'm not smelling your pit."

    "But it's extra April fresh."  he tried again.

    "I don't care." she moved the armpit out of her face for a second time.

    Ryan became sad.  He only wanted to show her how good he took his shower.

    The quivering chin, the pout, the closed eyes.  Jesus fucken Christ, Tina thought,  he was going to cry because she wouldn't smell his damn pits. What the fuck?  "This can't be my life." she said to no one.

    He tried to stop the tears from coming but Ryan just couldn't help it.  His feelings were hurt and when his feelings were hurt he cried.  He was powerless to stop it.

    "Oh, for crying out loud, Ryan."  Tina grabbed his arm and smelled his pit.  "Mmm,April fresh."  she pushed him away.  "There. You happy now?"

    Ryan hopped from one foot to the other and waved his arms up and down as tears streamed down his face.  "You're mad at me.  You don't like me.  I did good in my shower, mama and you still don't like me."

    No one was meant to feel guilty for not wanting to smell someone's pits.  Yet there she was, feeling like the worse mother in the world because of it. "Ryan, I like you very much."

    "No, you don't.  You think I'm a pain in the ass."  Ryan repeated what Tina had told him many times.

    "Well, Ryan, how would you feel if someone stuck their pit in your face?  You wouldn't like it, either."

    When he had it pointed out to him that way, mama's annoyance seemed reasonable.  After all, Ryan didn't like it when his best friend Charlie stuck his finger up his nose, but he still liked Charlie.  Ryan smiled and wrapped his arms around his mama.  "You do like me, don't you, mama?"

    "Yes, baby, I do,"  Tina said hugging him back.

    So easy, and so complicated at the same time.

(more later)