He lives next door

Junk-mail.
Letter from grandma.
Bills
Bills
and more Bills.
Closing the metal mailbox with a sharp twang, I turned swiftly on my heel, shuffling in mail in my hands as I made my way up the graveled driveway. Leaves of brown and red, mingled with rocks of all sizes, crunched beneath my feet almost clouding my hearing enough so I only faintly heard the rumble of a familiar car. I glanced up from the pile in my hands, my eyes catching the metallic shine of his red car.
He...was my next door neighbor.
He...was Bryan.
It seemed his car drove in slow motion. Catching his every movement in a time frame of an inexperienced photographer.I got that feeling. The one I was all to accustomed to getting when I knew soon my long over due 'Hello' from him would be given. It only began in my stomach, spreading through my chest, my heart beginning to race and I couldnt help but think I should feel this. That bubbly feeling grew more intense as he drove into the driveway, not far from where I stood from my own. I stood alone holding my mail, staring at the freshly washed car door and anticipating its open. Eternity mocked me but my wait was rewarded with a quick push on his part, the door swinging open with a sudden jerk near its end.
His head was first, blond strands adorning his crown, falling just to barely touch his shoulders. A tight black long-sleeved shirt covered what I knew to be muscled arms to a firm chest. Turning his head up, Dark sunglasses stared back at me showing reflection of the girl that had been smitten by him. The shades hid his ice blue eyes and one could only hope by his raised eyebrows that I didnt look to taken aback by his presence. I found myself holding breath while he made his way out of his care, taking away his sunglasses with a flick of his hands, a simple motion followed by a flashing of his dimpled smile.
"Hey there Aubre."
Aubre! He knew my name! ...Well duh...We have known each other forever. What was I thinking? He caught me by surprise. Sure I was expecting him to talk but to say my name like he did? Aubre. With his deep Oh so alluring voice...What WAS I doing?!? Stop it Aub! Pull it together! Grabbing the hem of my black t-shirt, I fiddled with it. That kind of fiddling where everyone in the whole damn world knows how nervous you really are no matter what you say. But I could redeem myself! If I just talked smooth, there would be no way he could feel my nervousness right?
"H-Hello B...Bryan..."
Oh that was just great! Now how freakin stupid did that one sound? Shifting his glasses from one hand to the other, he took a few steps walking into my yard and heading for me. My mind raced with everything. Every time we had ever spent together.
Another step.
At the ripe old age of two, I had moved in to the old house my grandpa left behind. A few months later came Bryan. His family moved him to the house right next to mine, and of course our parents thought it would be nice if he became my playmate.
He took another step.
As young kids, we enjoyed each others company with softball and hide-n-go-seek, growing closer as the days rolled by. The coming of two teens also brought the coming of teen loves. He had his girls and I had my boys though they came and went. The course repeated it self. Middle School. High School. He left for college and I stayed behind.
Yet another step.
When his mother died, he came back with a college education in his pockets and a wife by his side. I lived in the same house I grew up in but without my family, only memories to keep me from being too lonely. No matter how old we had gotten, I could never shake this funny feeling in my stomach when we spoke, even for just a second.
I dropped the history lesson I was giving myself, to switch my weight shakily as he stood before me.
"Feeling ok Aub?"
My eyes flashed up to meet his and I knew my face was red with the unmistakeable blushing fits.
"Yes..."
The single word came out small and quiet...Damn it all! Can I not just pretend to not be nervous? Do I seriously lack that one ability! I beat myself over and over until I realized his eyes, working down from mine and landing on what was in my hands.
"So...did you steal my mail as usual today?"
He smiled warmly, letting on to our joke that has been constant for years. The tension loosened and I released a strained chuckle.
"I so did not! This is all my mail!"
Rolling his eyes, he flicked his sunglasses, shaking his head.
"Uh huh, sure, right Ok!"
Clutching the mail, I brought the assortment of papers not far from his face, and used my other hand to flash them by his eyes like pictures in a slide show.
"See? No-thing!"
I started to laugh, lowering my arms, bringing his face into view. His gorgeous eyes. Soft blue and piercing through his solemn expression. Catching my eyes in his endless orbs, they were locked. My laughing subsided, dropping to nothing along with my breath. He stood before me. Calm. Collected. Not once moving. I had the distinct feeling he was telling me something though he spoke not one word and looked like he was hardly breathing through the faint rise and fall of his chest. I couldnt take the tension. Unsure of if he felt it, what was going through my mind, was it going through his? No longer did it matter. I took a step. A step that I knew if carried out could lead to one of two things and neither should happen but they had to for the my own sanity. Was that selfish? What if it wasnt just for my own needs but he wanted it just as much if not more. My hands touched his chest and I couldnt feel him tense telling me to back off nor did he loosen to tell me to continue. But I did none the less. Letting my hands work around his neck, I pulled into an embrace. I have never hugged Bryan up to this point even though I wanted to so bad, so many times. Here I stood, holding onto him as if my life depended on it and there he stood, still and unmoving. Maybe...I did something wrong...It was only a hug! Who was I kidding? We know that touching leads to...AUB! GOD DAMNIT! Why couldnt I stop it? I could feel it though...looking past my own feelings driving me to want to touch him all over at once, I knew that I took a wrong step. Maybe I just THOUGHT he wanted me to touch him. Psh, so much for those teenage magazines that tell you 'The top ten signs that assure you he wants you.' I swear I saw at least seven of the ten! Embarassment flooded me and I didnt want to move, I didnt want him to see my face and how red it was with that shameful shade.
"I...Im sorry." I tore away from his neck quickly and pushed past him, my shoulder hitting his as I ran to my door. Reaching the white solid door that I could only hope would provide me with shelter. Not only from the cold fall winds that overtook the skies, but the memories of what I decided to do. I turned.
Only for a second for curiosity ate at me to see if he left. He still stood there, in my driveway, his back to me and once again I wondered if he was even really there. Did he blackout and not remember? Yes! Maybe he just died and then...Oh great! Now Im wanting him to be dead.This is just peachy! What am I going to do? I will never be able to face him or get my 'hello's or...I noticed as I was talking to myself that he moved. Thank God he wasnt dead! Letting his fingers drop slightly, his sunglasses shook before he turned towards his house and left me standing in front of my door. It was all in vain.
My hand grasped the brass door knob as I turned from his moving figure, twisting it with the amount needed for such an old door, and pushing it open to a blast of warm air from the heater to lick at my face. The step over the threshold felt like a step into sanctuary...sweet sweet sanctuary, the door closing me off to the outside world in hopes of clearing my mind of the mistake I made.


I looked at the clock. It had been four hours since I saw Bryan, well four hours since he walked away from me so obviously disappointed. I sniffled pathetically from my grey striped patterned couch with my knees tight to my body, pulling another kleenex to blow and toss it next to the snow pile of them littering the table. Reaching for the santa coffee mug that occupied the only bare spot on my table, I pulled out another Dove dark chocolate nugget, peeling back the tin foiled cover and popping it in my mouth. My normal routine of crumbling the useless wrapper and tossing it in the trash was intterupeted by the want to read what little comment they decided to grace me with.
"Happiness surrounds you today."
Tears welled in my eyes as I bawled loudly at the words, tearing the small paper in tiny pieces and throwing it to the mass of many with the same fate on the floor by my feet. What I need was icecream...it heals all right? I mean when three bags of Doritos, two chocolate eclairs and all the Dove nuggets I found in the pantry dont help...Icecream will. Getting up with slight difficulty due to so many pounds of chocolate and chips weighing me down mentally more then physically. I made my way over the mounds of kleenexs and all the boxes I went through, walking to the hall before stopping to the corner of the refrigerator and resting my head on its edge. Thoughts flooded me as they had been all day, I needed something to eat....But I had already eaten so much! I stumbled, instead of to the side into the kitchens entrance, but straight ahead to the bathroom.