The day I became a bitch

Jae
Lost somewhere
Canada


June 2004


Nobody
Anywhere


Dear Friend,



I have composed many letters, that not one person has or ever will read. I am unsure of the reason why I never send them. Maybe it is just that I want to say it, but not give the satisfaction to anyone of really knowing how I feel. It’s a small way of feeling some control over something. I keep them all and read them over at different times in my life. This provides a way that I can back track and remember how I felt at different times. Another possibility is to recall and justify why I made certain choices. I have done some very unintelligent things. At the time I was doing them, I thought they were just phases or bad decisions that would eventually work themselves out. The worst part of it all is that I am fully aware of how stupid they are, while I am doing them.
I am at this point in my life, where I figure the whole world has an agenda. They pretend they are so many things they are not. People have you believe that their intentions are true and that they rate others the same rate as they do themselves. I am almost 27 years old, married for all the wrong reasons, live with my parents and mother an almost nine year old boy. I went to college for something I absolutely had no interest in doing. I now work at a job I have no motivation for and don’t make enough money to make it worth it. My sons father/ my husband was deported from this country and the only reason some of his family seems to show interest in my son is because I was willing to try and help him get back here.
This can’t be my life…I say this at least once a week. I have no balance in my bank account, no even possible long term relationship and I am so sick of creating the illusion that I am so happy. I think people are attracted to the constant cheeriness of a phony person. When something so drama filled happens to me I laugh. My best friend and I came up with this theory that god must use our lives for visual amusement. Plays little mean jokes on us when he is bored. I consider myself of high intelligence, so why is it that I just can’t get it right?
I kept my son when I was 17, unemployed and uneducated. The reasons were not because I wanted to be a mother, but because I wanted to please my parents. Ended up they did know better, because he pleased me. He is the my survival mechanism, my soul purpose and the one thing I am assured I did right. Even at the tip of the worst moves I have made, he draws the pride out of me.
I went to college so I could show people I could accomplish something. It just happened to be the only course the college was offering, in the small town I lived in. Wasn’t everyone proud. I got excellent grades and graduated on schedule. I met some big, strong, hardworking ape, that made all of these plans with me and our children, we moved, bought a house and did the whole domestic thing. He cheated on me, took everything except for the debt. I got revenge."Hit 'em up style". Made me feel better at the time. The consequences however, followed for a long time.
I met another guy and loved him off. He was a beautiful portrait to look at. Never got serious. He told me that he worried, about when we were old,that he would have regrets that we never took it to another level. It’s like I found someone who didn’t judge me, no matter what I did or said. Almost perfect, except for the fact that the only thing he could be faithful to was his damn self. He married someone else, cheated on her blah blah…
I then thought I would give my sons father another try. I have determined he is a descendant of Jekyll and Hyde . One minute I am on a pedastil, the next he swears and tells me whats wrong with me. My problem was working so hard to try and get along with both of his personalities. I tried to continue the charade but it soon became very tiring and began taking a toll on me.
So that leaves me here… THE DAY WHEN I BECOME A BITCH.. I realize I have become one of those people I hate. I constantly do nice things for others when I really don’t want to. I think if I do then they might care more about my son and I. Guess what? Never happens. I just get spit on and laughed at. Not anymore. From this day forward it is all about me. If what I am doing does not directly benefit me, my immediate family or friends it just wont happen. I have been trying to please so many people in one day that I end up disappointing someone or many. The problem I have been encountering is that the people I am trying not to disappoint are usually the wrong ones. The people that don’t matter. Makes no logical sense. I always wonder what people want. Must be something. What could I do for them to make them happy? It’s always got to be something. I have the best family anyone could ever ask for. My parents live and breathe for their children and grandchildren. My brothers are solid and never fail to prove that I can count on them.
The leap begins with the first no, the little or no explanation and elimination of excuses. I have adapted the principles of my work behavior into my personal life so that I will become more productive. I am not a complainer or a whiner, I am a fixer. I will keep my last dollar, save an hour or two for a bath and maybe figure out what I want to be as I grow up..

Sincerely,
Jae