Gods & Angels

Gods & Angels
By:  Twiggysrabies
01/06/07

My God told me my sacrifice was going to be the most important act of my life.  He told me that all I had been living for would come down to this day.  He told me my time in Heaven had come to it’s close and that he would find a new home for me.  My tender, loving God...I will sacrifice my time in Heaven to become what He wants from me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Have you ever felt dead inside?  Have you ever seen your soul leaving your body?  You haven’t?  I have.  It happened today, the day when my God sacrificed me.  He sacrificed me to the devils of the world and threw me out of Heaven.  The only place where everyone is supposed to be accepted, and I’ve been cast away like yesterday’s trash.  I’ve been thrown away by the only man I’ve ever loved, my God.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Confused, hurt, angry...denied.  Do you know what it feels like to be denied by your God?  No?  I do.  I know what it is to be thrown from Heaven.  The portrait of beauty that Heaven paints is false.  Underneath the beauty and gentleness there is hatred.  There is sadness...there is prejudice.  I’ve been thrown from Heaven and denied by my God...the one that, in his own way caused my own hatred and the deep scars on my soul.  Perhaps one day my God will see my pain and regret that he never sacrificed me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I found out today the reason my God threw me out of Heaven.  According to the devils that have been keeping me safe since yesterday, he’s found another angel...my God was never as holy as he claimed to be.  My God never truly loved me.  The devils he threw me to have shown more concern in this past day than my God showed to me in the past six years.  My God is a hypocrite and a liar.  My God has killed me and turned my soul over to devils...but now as I write this...it doesn’t seem so bad.  The ones my God labeled as evil, nurture and understand who I am...they know the pain of a dead soul.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The devil named Austin came to me today.  He is the one that has been caring for me and trying to help my soul find its way home.  He explained to me today that my God had no intentions of ever keeping me as his angel.  My God deceived and used me.  Austin says that my God is a mere human!  Imagine that.  My God, Xavier, is more than a human, he is my God!  He will always be divine and holy, even if he has denounced me.  I am nothing but an angel unworthy of my God.  Austin tells me to stop believing what Xavier told me...but six years cannot be a lie!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Austin has helped me today.  He made me look upon him.  Imagine, a lowly devil has asked an angel to look upon him without scorn.  I apologized to my God as I turned to look at Austin.  To my surprise...he is the angel that took my place in my God’s kingdom!  My God has replaced me with a devil!  I need some time to think and wonder if maybe my God isn’t really a god...if maybe everything the devil Austin has told me, might be more truthful that the lies my God gave me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I know now why my God lied...why my God needed so badly for me to flee from Heaven.  He was cursed.  He’s been thrown from Heaven himself.  There is a new god on that throne in Heaven.  The new God that was once a devil.  You don’t know what it is to look up to Heaven expecting to see the face of your God and instead you’re greeted with his swinging feet.  You can never know the horror and the sadness and the anger that wells up inside you.  I’d taken my chances and crept into Heaven alone, even when Austin had told me to stay away.  I’d disobeyed and was greeted by the shroud of death that had been laid upon my God.  Austin came shortly after I did and held me.  To think a devil would dare touch me...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I’ve renounced the God, Xavier.  I’ve been welcomed back into Heaven’s arms, though by a different God, Austin.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My God told me today that he is disappointed with me.  He tells me that he isn’t a God, that he is just a human like me -- but in my heart I know he’s lying.  I know he is my God and I am his angel.  My God is the only one I will let gaze upon my body.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My God explained to me today that he is not throwing me from Heaven, but that I have to go live with some humans for a while.  He told me that they are going to help me.  I don’t know why he thinks that I need help, or with what...but he says that I do.  My God dictates all that I do, so I will not question him.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This morning was when I left Heaven to live with these humans.  My God says they want to help me, but they keep telling me that my God is not a god.  They tell me that he is a human...just as they are...just as, they say, I am.  My God has made me his angel, he has taken my gifts! Why do they tell me I am not an angel? Why do they tell me that my God, Austin is a human?  They tell me I cannot go back to Heaven until I am made to understand that I and my God are mere humans and that Heaven is only land and earth.  I don’t understand, but this is what my God wants, so I shall be meek and I shall do as he demands.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
They say I’m making progress...I should be, I’ve been here nearly three months.  I’ve been reprimanded constantly and advised to call my God by his first name.  To call him by Austin alone is so demeaning of a God, however I shall do as they say.  They tell me I’ve developed some kind of disorder.  They tell me my mind has been brainwashed to think Austin is a god.  They tell me I am only human and Austin is my human lover and nothing more.  They keep telling me that I am only a man, I am not an angel.  They also tell me that I have to keep taking these tablets to stabilize my thoughts.  To stabilize reality.  I hope this is truly what my god, Austin...wants.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Austin came to visit me today.  He told me that what everyone here is telling me is true, that he is only human, just as I am.  He says that when I’m all better I can go back home.  I really want to get better.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This morning I left the institution.  I stayed for eight months.  I was told that when I was with Xavier that he had brainwashed me.  I used to know that he was wrong, but he forced it into my head with violence, that he was a god and that I was his angel, sent solely for his use.  I understand now that he was wrong.  I’m still not sure how Austin found out about me, but I am so very grateful he did.  I was a prisoner in that place I used to call Heaven.  I was kept in a cage, chained in the corner...how did I ever come to call that Heaven?  How did I ever believe that vile a being could be a god?  I don’t quite know how he managed it, but for six years of my life Xavier ruled over me and made me believe that he was a God and that I...in my rags, filth, and chains...that I was an angel.  I don’t know if I’ve forgiven him yet for so utterly destroying who I used to be and what I used to know...but I thank Austin every day for being the real angel in all of this.  He saved me from living in pain and in conditions that no living being should ever have to endure.  I don’t really understand how we fell in love after all of this, but I know that I have been brought back to myself.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
After everything has died down and I sit here in my office, it’s funny seeing our names on that certificate.  The ceremony was today and it was simple, beautiful.  The most beautiful part of everything was Austin’s vow to me.  Even now Austin’s low melodic voice is ringing in my ears telling me, “My promise is this...I will always love you.  You, my love...my life..my only beautiful angel, Gabriel.”