Valentine's Day

Why did it have to rain today? Honestly, today of all days. Being Valentine’s Day and all, I was planning to go out on a picnic. Just my luck, I guess. Well, I suppose it would have been worse had I been going on this picnic with someone else. Can you imagine it? Me in the middle of Central Park, eating my chocolate all alone. And now I have to bring an umbrella!

Having been in this situation for the past six years, you’d think I’d be used to it. Especially since it’s rained for the past six Valentine’s Days, too. Maybe my routine will work this year.

You see, my routine sounds foolproof. But, if you haven’t guessed already, it’s not. At least, not for me. I go out to the middle of Central Park with a box of candy in the shape of a heart (original, I know), some flowers (preferably roses, and preferably soaked to make it seem like I’ve been standing there for much longer than that), and a red brief case (Cuz red is so…seductive). And we can’t forget my picnic basket half-open, and looking just as pathetic as me. So, with that picture you now have in your head, add this: me holding a beautiful (and expensive looking) scarf, and staring off in to space in disbelief. Now, if my plan were to work correctly, I would look completely pitiful. Women would feel so incredibly sorry for me that they would have to stop and attempt to comfort me.

Doesn’t that plan sound perfect? It’s the only chance I have at getting a Valentine’s date, let alone a member of the opposite sex to talk to me period. But hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?

But, again with the luck I have: today, of all days, the flower shop was closed. Now, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, why, today of all days, would the flower shop be closed? And even if you’re not, I’ll tell you why. Because the only store I know just happens to be owned by a Jewish man. And this year, February 14 just happened to be the eve of Tu B’shevat. This means that not only was my only flower shop closed, but I now had no where to go crying to when I had failed at landing a Valentine’s date for the seventh straight year.

Well, just my luck: as I was walking towards the flower shop for a fifth time, praying that it would miraculously be open, I passed a red cat. Now, I have nothing against cats; they just seem to have a bad habit of dying on me. And I wish I were kidding. I have a better chance of having a date for Valentine's Day than I do for having a cat make it past the age of 2 months, and that’s slim to none.

But alas, back to the flower shop. It truly is amazing how the flower shop is closed. I mean, I am in absolute disbelief. What am I going to hold now to get the “pathetic” look? Maybe if I just went to the park and started eating in the rain? Without the umbrella, perhaps. Then people would see me alone on Valentine’s Day, eating a picnic alone in the rain. If I hadn’t done this so often, I’d almost feel sorry for myself. Almost. But am I really that desperate for a Valentine’s date? I mean, it would actually be an inconvenience, because then I wouldn’t get to eat all of the food. And trust me, I like to eat my food. And my chocolate…

How wrong would it be if I had this picnic with, oh say, a relative of some sort? Or is that only legal in Alabama?

I wonder if this has any significance. On the last date for Valentine’s Day that I actually had (yes, I did have one. Once.), we spent about the first eighteen hours of the day trying to decide what to do. In the end, we finally agreed to disagree. And by that, I mean she chose something, and that something was this new thing where they put us on a “laser quest,” or something of that sort. I have to admit, it was the most awkward feeling to walk into that mansion of a store to see what it actually was. They put us in a darkened room with dull lighting and gave us guns that shot “lasers.” Unfortunately for me, I wore glasses that day. The laser’s reflected into my eye, and to make a pointless short story short, it did nothing. But my date, whom was glasses-less, did not know this. So of course, I used this as an excuse to leave. Just my luck, we went to her house. And what, you may or may not be asking (but if you have yet to figure out, you will get an answer whether or not you are asking. Fool.), did we do there? We watched “Cinderella,” of course. What else would you possibly do on Valentine’s Day? Throw in the fact that her entire family participated, and you’ve got the reason why I would now rather look like a pathetic pitiful man having a picnic with himself on Valentine’s Day than go through that again.