Mr. A-Hole Takes The Boy Scouts Camping

The scene begins with Mr. Asshole surrounded by a group of children wearing boy scout uniforms.  Mr. Asshole sips his flask
and begins talking.

Mr. Asshole - Today kids, we’ll be learning about building a fire in the wilderness and hopefully we’ll encounter a few wild animals along the way.

Little Joey - My mommy says that wild animals are dangerous.

Mr. Asshole - Your mommy has filled you full of lies Joey!  She’s a treacherous beast that cannot be trusted. 

Little Joey - But...but...

Mr. Asshole - Don’t question me boy!  Your mommy can’t save you out here, only I can.  Is your mommy gonna save you if a bear attacks us?

The boys watch Joey silently. 

Little Joey - No.

Mr. Asshole - Is your mommy gonna save you if the forest catches on fire?

Little Joey - No.

Mr. Asshole - And is your mommy gonna save you if those sneaky Russian bastards attack us with nuclear weapons?

Joey appears confused and puts his hands in his pockets.

Little Joey - Well...no...I guess not.

Mr. Asshole - Then what good is she!?  She’s worthless!  Women are on this planet to cook and clean, so that men don’t have to deal with that shit.

Joey begins crying and covers his eyes.

Little Joey - She’s not worthless! 

Mr. Asshole - We are in the woods and the woods are my domain Joey.  If I say she’s worthless then she’s worthless! 

Joey runs off into the woods screaming.  The sound of a bear is heard in the distance.

Mr. Asshole - He’ll live...maybe.

Mr. Asshole orders the kids into a line and begins leading them down a steep mountain, while drinking his flask.

Mr. Asshole - Stay close boys.  This is a steep mountain.  If you fall off...well, just don’t fall off.

The boys are shown, trying to get down the mountain, two of them are crying as they descend. 

Little Shawn - I don’t think this is a good idea.  We could get hurt on this trail.

Mr. Asshole - Nonsense, the only way you’ll get hurt is by not listening to me...or falling off the mountain. 

Little Shawn - But it’s steep.  Couldn’t we find a better trail?

Mr. Asshole - Sure we could, but we’re men.  Once we decide on a route we don’t stop to look for another one.  And we never say we’re lost, we just say that we haven’t found our way yet.  Got that?

Little Shawn - Yes, Mr. Asshole.

Shawn falls off the mountain behind Mr. Asshole. 

Mr. Asshole - Good, now stop worrying about the damn trail.  I know exactly where I’m going.  Shawn?  Shawn!?  Oh well, I’ll tell his mom they sent him to Iraq, they always fall for that.

The scene cuts to Mr. Asshole standing with the boys at the bottom of the trail.  The boys are gathering small sticks into a pile.  Two boys are seen holding a gasoline can and a blow torch.

Little Stevie - I thought you said we were going to build a big fire.

Mr. Asshole - We are, Stevie.  Pay attention and I’ll show you how to build a fire using only what nature provided us. 

Little Stevie - Why are we carrying gasoline and a blow torch?

Mr. Asshole - I always carry gasoline and a blow torch.  They come in handy when the lesbians attack me for protesting at their rallies.

Little Stevie - Mr. Asshole, what’s a lesbian? 

Mr. Asshole - A lesbian is a wicked creature sent by Satan to steal hot chicks away from men.  I wish I had a dollar for each time I’ve been attacked by one.  They fight like Irish loggers on nickel beer night.

Little Stevie - I have no idea what you just said.

Mr. Asshole - That’s okay, Stevie.  One day you’ll understand and then you’ll carry gasoline and a blow torch...just like me.

Little Johnny - Don’t we need more wood to make a fire?

Mr. Asshole - That’s an excellent question Johnny.  We need some firewood.  But, how do we get it?

Little Johnny - I don’t know.

Mr. Asshole - We chop down a tree.  Why do you think all these trees are here? 

Little Johnny - To make nature look pretty?

Mr. Asshole - No, nice thought though.  Nature is here so we can take what we need and leave the rest in shambles.  We’ve taken it easy on nature for way too long and now we’ve got to make up for lost time. 

Little Johnny - I guess that makes sense.

Mr. Asshole: Of course it makes sense.  That’s why I said it.  I don’t say things for no reason.  I’m trying to teach you how to survive out here.  Now, bring the axe over here.

Johnny struggles but slowly drags the axe over to Mr. Asshole.

Mr. Asshole - Alright, now we have to find the right tree...here it is.  Have you ever used an axe before Johnny?

Little Johnny - I’m only 6 years old Mr. Asshole.

Mr. Asshole - Well, it’s never too early to start.  Logging is a valuable skill in today’s workplace.  Besides, I’m busy drinking and I can’t do everything. 

Little Johnny - But the axe is bigger than me. 

Mr. Asshole - There comes a time when a man must challenge a task larger than himself.  In my case, it’s usually a very large woman that I find in a bar around 2 AM when I’ve spent the day drinking and hiding from my wife.  In your case, it’s an axe and a tree. 

Little Johnny - You expect me to chop the tree down?

Mr. Asshole pulls out a Penthouse magazine.

Mr. Asshole - I sure do Johnny.  I’m looking at Miss December, that’s my task.  Actually I’m drinking and looking at Miss December, that’s multi-tasking.  I’m doing all this while you sit there and do nothing.  Somebody’s not pulling their weight around here Johnny.  You kids have no ambition these days.  Now grab that axe and prove me wrong.

Little Johnny - But, I don’t know how to chop down a tree.

Mr. Asshole - Swing the axe, aim at the tree, and wack it until it falls down.  If that doesn’t work. we’ll blow the damn thing up or something.

Little Johnny - What can we blow it up with?

Mr. Asshole - I usually keep grenades on me.  In case the British grow some balls and come for revenge.  I must’ve forgotten them.   

Little Johnny - That sounds kinda strange.

Mr. Asshole - Nonsense, I just believe in being prepared.  I keep two grenades, one flask, one blow torch, and one nudie magazine on me at all times.  They’ve saved my life more times than I can count.  Why am I even explaining this to you?  Chop the damn tree down. 

Johnny spins in a circle, trying to swing the axe, but ends up falling down and crying.  Mr. Asshole picks up the axe and leaves Johnny laying on the ground.

Mr. Asshole - Give it to me, you little sissy!  You kids have no future.  You’ll be lucky to get sweatshop jobs when you’re 10. 

Mr. Asshole chops into the tree a few times and falls down from exhaustion.  He gets up and throws the axe into the bushes with anger. 

Mr. Asshole - To hell with this.  Boys, drag that fallen tree over here.

The boys surround the fallen tree, which is quite large.  They struggle and move the tree a few inches before they give up.

Mr. Asshole - You kids can’t do anything right! 

Mr. Asshole moves over to the tree and slowly drags it on top of the stick pile.  He begins chugging his flask, obviously fatigued. 

Mr. Asshole: Now hand me that gasoline and the torch. 

Stevie and Johnny are seen trying to turn on the blow torch.

Mr. Asshole - Stevie, stop playing with the torch.  You’ll waste all the propane!

Mr. Asshole takes the blow torch from Stevie and grabs the gas can.  Covering the fallen tree in gas, he ignites the torch and points it at the tree.  A huge ball of flame leaps up from the fallen tree.  The kids look on in awe as the fire slowly settles down and burns steadily.

Mr. Asshole - Now remember kids, with enough gasoline you can make a fire anywhere, even in your home.

Little Stevie - Are we going to get our fire badges for this?

Mr. Asshole - How the hell would I know?  I’m only out here cause they’re paying me.  Next week, I’ll show you how to set a bear trap to surprise the mailman.

Little Stevie - Why would we do that to the mailman? 

Mr. Asshole - Because, you’re sure he’s banging your wife when you leave in the morning, and because he never brings you any decent mail.  It’s always a fucking bill or an overdue notice, like we need that shit. 

The kids look puzzled as Mr. Asshole rants on about the mailman.

Little Johnny - I’m confused.

Little Stevie - Me too.

Mr. Asshole - Just shut up, we’re not doing that till next week.  We still have to build a bigger fire and keep a look out for wild animals, especially bears.

Little Stevie - Are bears dangerous?

Mr. Asshole - Not to me.  I’m used to running from beasts that are trying to kill me.  I’ve been married four times.  You on the other hand, will probably be eaten.

Little Johnny - I don’t want to be eaten! 

Johnny starts crying.

Mr. Asshole - Well, I hope you can run then.  Cause I can’t carry you.  I’ve got to carry the blow torch, my nudie mags, and my flask.  That means you’re on your own.

Little Stevie - Aren’t you supposed to protect us?

Mr. Asshole - Who told you that?

Little Stevie - My mom did.

Mr. Asshole - Well, your mom is a pill-popping whore and she doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about.

Little Stevie - What’s a pill-popping whore?

Mr. Asshole - Never mind that right now.  We have to get out of the woods before it gets dark.

Little Johnny - Aren’t we supposed to put the fire out?

Mr. Asshole - Nope, it’ll burn out by itself.

Little Stevie - Are you sure?

Mr. Asshole - Of course I am.  What’s the worst that can happen?

The camera pans out and shows Mr. Asshole leading the boys away from the fire.  Suddenly, a bear growls nearby.  The kids huddle together, shaking and looking around nervously.

Little Johnny - Was that a bear?

Mr. Asshole - I didn’t hear anything.

Little Stevie - I heard it too. 

The sounds of a bear trampling through the brush become louder.

Mr. Asshole - Yep, that’s a bear.  RUN!!!!!!!

Little Johnny - I thought you said they weren’t dangerous.

Mr. Asshole - Fuck what I said!  RUN!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Asshole and the boys run frantically through the woods, eventually getting back to the van they arrived in. 

Mr. Asshole - Well, that was certainly different.  Let’s get the hell out of here. 

They all pile in the van and drive off.  The bear lets out one last growl from the forest, which is now burning out of control.