Reclaim

Staring at the reflection, shining eyes, foreign to her whispered unheard secrets, dark iris’s with a black voids in the centre. Black holes in the eyes she thought wondering where all the galaxies were. The darkness was disturbing, unsettling like that door you know you must not open, before hesitating and touching the cool handle. The lashes were long pretty,

“Many girls strive for lashes like yours” she heard her best friend whisper a memory in her judgemental mind

“Do they?” she said aloud

“Do they what, who are you talking to?” Her lover called from the nearby en-suite bathroom, the door was open and steam rolled into the bedroom, like the looming fog on Passover that faithful night long ago.

“Erm… nothing, No one.” she said quietly, the voice was strange, looking away from the fierce eyes in the strangers face. The woman looked into ‘her’ lap she studied the slender hands covered in small white scars. She felt the eyes move in the tight skull, liquid on liquid, she imagined the squishing wet sounds as the dark eyes rolled over the hands, slowly up the soft flesh of the arms, which had been sliced and ripped open by bladed articles on numerous occasions, there was no hot dark blood, no open folds of imprisoning skin.

Jagged slender white veins of scars patterned the wrists and inner forearms, some thick raised scar tissue erupted out of the arms like sand dunes she liked those ones, the ones you felt running sensitive finger tips over the ridges.  She kept her head low admiring the artwork on the living canvas and to avoid the reflection she could feel watching, in front of her in the infallible mocking of a mirror.

The enemy.

She remembered the strangers face, those high cheekbones pulled over solid bone taut and ‘attractive‘ (many had previously commented) the slender thin nose, average, whatever average was, the lips slender like the body, always closed in a thin line of deviance always suggesting… something. The woman closed the lids blocking out the white scar tissue dunes and the image of the stranger.

“Baby, can you get ready. We have to leave at 8.”

her lover called impatiently from the bathroom. She sensed movement behind her opening the lids she looked left to view the lover approaching, soft footed dressed in red, long black hair, like the strangers, smiling easily a soft gentle hand on the shoulder scar free hand warm and heavy.

“Are you ok?”

The lover asked not liking the distant look in Lara’s eyes. Lara nodded the head in a small movement and moved the eyeballs liquid on liquid, away from Kate’s concerned green eyes to the table in front, covered with cosmetics eye liner, lip stick and foundation powders. She avoided that mirror she did not want to get lost drawn back into the darkness of the strangers eyes in that reflection.

“Ok I‘ll be downstairs.”

Kate bent down and kissed the right, light bouncing high cheekbone and removed her hand from the shoulder. Kate waked towards the bedroom door, she stopped and looked back before continuing her journey. 

Alone Lara took a deep breath feeling the air rush down the dry throat into the inflating lungs, she stood slowly as the feeling of the heart under the ribcage pumping fast in its enclosing sac, palpitating tormenting. She felt every internal movement of the body, she moved the heavy toned body, willing it to walk. Step by step, she felt the carpet underfoot turn to cool tiles, the bedroom dissolved into white tiles and steam.

Looking at the feet on the tiles 5ft 5inches down past the white t-shirt covered breasts past the blue jeans encasing the legs. She quickly pulled off the t-shirt over the head and down the arms she struggled from the jeans and underwear kicking the offending items away the skin tingled as warm air stirred invisible hairs. The bath was full of clear water sparkling.

With blood rushing inside the body she stepped one foot into the bath the water was hot but tolerable. Reaching the heavy right arm to the nearby cupboard on the wall it the hand the dark eyes watched the hand grip the condensation covered handle and pulled the small wooden doors open. With effort the hand removed its grip from the handle and reached inside into the top shelf removing a small item she needed.

She climbed the heavy ever internally moving body into the bathtub she sat in the water .the heart in the chest pounded uncomfortably. The fore finger and thumb of the hand held a cool steel blade a rush of calm raced through the body’s veins, slowing the pounding heart to a tolerable slow respective pulse. The eyes watched the light gleam off of the blades edge, sharp constant, cutting straight into the centre of the black holes. Blinking the wet lids, salty release rolled free, past the blurred black holes swamped from the tear duct’s, past the lower lids onto the soft cheeks in steady streams.

Internally amused Lara marvelled in amazement at the body’s response to its impending betrayal.

After several minutes of silent tears and blade watching

Lara forced the now shaking fighting hand to cut open the inner fore arm of her left arm. The hand refused stubbornly gripping the blade tightly the muscles bunching, aching in defiance

COME ON!

She shouted in her mind, suddenly the hand shot forward stabbing the tip of the razor blade deeply into the left arm near the crease of the elbow the pain reanimated HER body, she hissed in satisfaction gritting her teeth tightly together as her heart began beating waves of euphoria down her arms.

Like a drug addict hitting off a needle, her needle, her drug at this moment was the sharp razor blade edge embedded in her arm the hot, red, thick blood pumped onto the once defiant right hand dripping clouds of redness, into the once sparkling clear hot water. She  took deep lung bursting breaths loving the feel of inhalation and expulsion

She reclaimed her body.

The initial wave of euphoria died down Lara smiling pressed the blade deeper and pulled down dragging the blade towards her wrist. Her skin un-separated easily and the blood flowed violently she watched blinking in amazement she took the blade out of her wrist and buried the once offending alien arm under the hot water. The pain of water hitting the deep wound caused gasps to be emitted from her mouth.

Climaxing in pain.

She sat in silence afterwards. Breathing steadily. Placing the blade on the edge of the bathtub. Closing her eyes as she waited… her arm pumping her life steadily into the water, her ears pounded with a omnipresent heart beat. She felt every blood cell releasing itself from the open skin. The crimson cloudy water became her warm nirvana. She smiled;

I'M FREE.
 
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