My Theory of the Missing Dryer Sock

Though minuscule by comparison to the many great mysteries of our time:
Are Zebras white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
Is Micheal Jackson a sub-species of Zebra?
Where does Cheney stick his hand when he makes Dubya talk?
My theory involves the ages-old question, "Where do the missing dryer-socks go?"

For those of you asking, "How can this be "ages-old" when the first U.S. clothes dryer was patented on July 7, 1892?" Let me first respond by asking, "How do you know this stuff?! It's my theory and I had to 'Google' it . . ."

Now, allow me to answer:

The first dryers were invented in England and France during the early 1800's. Though primitive by today's standards, the "Ventilators" of yore -- ventilated (thus the name) metal drums rotated by hand in the fireplace -- were a time-saving miracle of technology. (And a necessary gadget too, as the modern sock had been invented a mere hundred years beforehand.) I have it on good authority that more than one housewife distinctly remembered beating TWO lye-doused socks on a rock, and retrieving only one from the fireplace. Only a handful of these accounts could be explained by sifting through the ashes. The phenomenon began.

I'd like to address, as well, how I formed the theory at hand . . . er . . . foot. For years I've been plagued by this seemingly random mystery. I thought I was alone. I was scared to mention it in mixed company. What would the neighbors think? I was in denial. I refused to believe it was happening. I pleaded with the laundry gods. I even tried to make "deals".One night, I offered, in sacrifice, one shoe from each pair I owned. As they burned in the fireplace I awaited an answer. "Where have the socks gone?!" I asked, hobbling to work and and back in one shoe. The answer never came. Finally I accepted it my fate (and bought new shoes).

After I married, I learned I was not alone. Others had suffered as I. My husband's family was afflicted as well. Many of their friends too were plagued by lone socks, stuffed away from view in locked drawers. After researching it for years, under an alias, on the web, I've come to believe it's a wider problem than anyone had ever imagined.

Soft drinks, candy, and gum can be found in nearly every home. Our schools and businesses contract with these sugar-suppliers as well. More and more teeth are decaying at an unprecedented rate. Dentists have such a thriving business they've all but done away with cork and now use gold, platinum, and even diamonds in their work. Many children have cavities before they have even formed all of their primary teeth. Many adults have dentures or "partials" in their mere forties!

So what does this have to do with socks?


Let me explain. Confections were popularized in France about the same time as the first dryers. Each year these sweet little nuggets spread further across the globe and become more affordable. Each year a few more socks go missing. It is only now that we can put the pieces together:

As tooth decay rises, more socks go missing.

The reason is obvious. Tooth fairies. These poor faries were never meant to carry so many teeth. Now, as their "beats" expand and their workload increases, they need a way to haul these teeth with them from job site to job site. Our socks become "sacks" for the overworked fairies. Even the names, sock/sack, give us understanding. A coincidence? Surely not.

This explains too why, when our foot coverings are returned, we find a "mystery sock" we've never purchased . . . a simple tracking error in the fairy world.

Now, I'm all for helping the fairies; but perhaps instead of requesting a quarter we should simply request our socks be returned . . . and laundered.