Car Salemen Rule!

    Just another day on the on the job, I thought, as the clock chimed 10 o'clock and I began to get settled in.  I know...you're thinking...he's a car salesman...big deal. Why not a corporate executive, a football star, any one of a million other jobs?  Well, I don"t know that either.  Not that I wanted to be a car salesman, mind you.  Working 10 to 8, six days a week....barely making enough to pay my alimony...my boss yelling that we don't sell enough...all major attractions, I know. 
    My boss is the type of guy that wants more.  All the time.  "Never be satisfied," he says.  "Why sell just one when you can sell 6?", he says.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.     
    Somehow, all of his wonderful praise never prepared me for what was coming next. Imagine that!  But I digress.  Here's what happened that fateful day.  How was I to know that my life was about to change?
    As I was saying, I was at work and thinking that it was just another day gone from my life when in walked a customer. Not just any customer, mind you, but a CUSTOMER!!  She was tall, brunette and lovely.  About 5'8", a smile that you would die for,  long, lovely legs. Short hair cut back around her ears  (like Dorothy Hamill, if you are old enough to remember.).  I always had a thing for girls with short hair.  Yeah, I can hear you now.  But let me tell the story,okay? 
    She walked over and asked  if I had a model of a car that everyone wanted(sorry, no plugs here). Flashy and fast. I was wondering if she was the same way.
    I said,  "Sure, any preferences?"  She began to list them and I took note.  This girl knows what she wants, that's for sure.
    "Do you want a test drive?",  If I could only get her to agree to something more intimate, I thought, steering her towards one of the more expensive models. Fat chance of that.  Probably some rich chick out for a joyride.
      "Oh, this looks fine", she said, as she climbed in.  I put on the license plate, hopped into the passenger seat and strapped in.
    "Can I take it on the freeway?" she asked.
      "Sure, anywhere you want,"  I willingly answered. She got it up to 70 and smiled.
      " Nice," she said.  I looked at her and thought much the same thing to myself.  She spoke again. "You ever been wild for a day?  Really just let go?"
      This required some thought....then I spoke.  "Yeah, once me and some friends broke into Ohio Stadium and played a game of football....it was about 4 in the morning and we were bombed. Had a blast."
    "No, no,  I mean done something that you really didn't expect that you could do."
    Well, there was the time with the cheerleader in high school, but I didn't expect that was what she meant, so I said no.
    She began to explain. " Look, I had a husband that was a real jerk.  He took advantage of me and I got screwed in our divorce.  He played around and went out on me, but his lawyers set it up so that I was the bad one.  He knew the judge, too, so I got it good."
    I knew that story.  My ex had taken me for everything I or my decendants would ever own, and was living with some guy who wrote software or something like that.  Whoo hoo!!  She had the life of a party girl now, that's for sure!  I wished only the best for her, including the best locusts, best floods, best plagues and all the best deadly things that my vivid imagination could conjure up.  And I do have a good imagination.  Oh well...a man can dream can't he?
    Bridget (yeah I know I forgot to tell you want her name is...excuse me!!  Girls like that don't really need names) said that they, now just him, had a house out in the valley. She also said that he kept about $4 million in bonds and stocks and stuff laying in his safe.  And that she knew the combination to said safe.  But, and this is a big But, she couldn't go in the house.  Monitors and all that. They would go off at a moments notice.  Police would come. You know the drill. Not a pleasant ending to the story.
    Then I found out that she picked me today for a reason.  A pretty good reason, actually.  Turns out I look just like her husband.  She showed me his pic and I couldn"t believe it.  Sure, the hair is a little different, and his nose is a little crooked, but besides that, everything is the same.  Wow!  She wanted me to go into the house and get all the money.  Exit said house and come back to her, giving her 3 million dinero worth of bonds and stocks while I hold on to 1 million.  Somehow wow just didn't do it.
    "We have two days until he comes back from England,"
    "I don't know....if we get caught ( I meant if I get caught, She would be outside the property lines the entire time and doubtless would run if the cops came) we''re screwed.
    "We won't be.  Look, it's easy as cake.  Really."
    She had driven into a rest area along the freeway, and stopped in a relatively empty part of the park.
      I looked into her green eyes (you ever heard the term 'pools of desire'? The model for that term was two feet away), counted the possible ways for me to end up with her and the money and said, "Okay."  Nothing else. Just "okay". Leave it to me to be a man of words when it counted. 
    She went over all the things that I would need to know...security codes, where the safe was (yeah, that little baby was important!), things like that. I began to see that this might work.
    I had her drive by my house to get some things, cause I knew for sure I would never be back here again.  She asked if she could use the bathroom, so she came in with me.  I got all of my things, (I know it's not much, single life, alimony and all that) and as I was walking into the front room she came out of the bathroom.  Did I forget to say that she was naked?  I guess that she thought she needed some insurance or that I needed some encouragement.  And that sight was mighty encouraging. Either way, I wasn't going to argue.  So we left for her house an hour or so late.  Sue me!
    As I dropped her off at home, she said, "See you in an hour or so," giving me a kiss that would have stopped a elephant. Mmmmmmmm.  I had forgotten what I had been missing.
    Driving to the house, I began to imagine life with Bridget, somewhere where there were no bills to pay, no one to bother us, just me and Bridget.  I started to see the meaning of life and all the things I had never known.
    Yeah, I am a romantic at heart.  Women with 4 million dollars always bring that out in me.  I can't help it...almost brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.
    So, anyway,  I get to the house.  I pull up to the front door, take her key and go right in. Good so far, huh?  Then the alarms start to go off.  I smiled.  He sure was paying for the good stuff. 
    "STEP AWAY FROM THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY," the speakers blared. "POLICE HAVE BEEN CALLED.  YOUR PICTURE HAS BEEN RECORDED."
    Like I said, the good stuff. 
    Right away the phone rang.  I knew that this would be the alarm company.
    "Sorry, sir.  We have to comfirm that it is you and that you are alright.  What is the codeword?" 
    This was the only part of the plan that was questionable.  If it didn't work, it was goodbye beach, hello prison. 
    I gave them the codeword that she knew.
    "Thank you, sir.  Sorry to bother you.  Try to be more careful next time. Goodbye."
    Easy as cake. Maybe she was right.
    I went strolling into the den and began to open the safe there.
    "She finally found a way to get in the house, huh?  You do look just like me."
    I turned around wide eyed and found myself looking in a mirror....that is I thought I was.  There was her husband.  There.  Not in England.  There!!  My mind raced as I thought of a way out.  No such luck. "Thanks I guess." 
    He laughed.  "Well, we can fix that.  Don't worry.  You aren't in any trouble if you cooperate with me."
    I didn't know what he meant but I saw no other oprtion.
    "I'm listening."
    "You must have wanted these," as he showed me a stack of bonds and such that I almost drooled over. "I think there's about  6 million all together.  Not too bad, if I do say so myself.  I've done a lot better since divorcing that hag".
    I was amazed at someone calling Bridget a hag, but I let it go.
    "I'll tell you what I'll do for you.  I would love to put that girl away for a long, long long time. We have a lot of old stuff that I would love to get even for. How bout you coming to work for me now, instead of her?"
    Well, let's see. Option #1.  Do as he asked and hope he paid me instead of calling the police.  Option #2.  Skip the above first step and go straight to calling the police now.
    I thought it over about 2 seconds and said "Okay."
    "We are going to set her up good.  You are going to take these bonds out of here and go to Bridget as you had planned.  Split them up like you were going to, and say you have to run to the store for something.  Call me.  You may leave with your share, let's say it's your fee for working for me, and I call the cops on her.  Sound good to you?"
    "Sounds great," I said. He didn't know that she thought he only had 4 million. Leaving with 3 million instead of 1 million sounded much better.  Besides, with 3 million I could find another Bernadette. 
      So I left with the money and started driving to Brittany's house.  Then I had a thought.  And another one. Some pretty good thoughts, actually.  Besides, Beth really didn't need the money.  She should have been good to her rich husband!
    These thoughts were so good that they made me turn right to the airport instead of left to Barb's house.  I hopped on a fast flight and then onto another flight.  Took a small boat out of the last city (Sorry, I can't get too specific. You never know where they might be looking).  Then onto a ship and then another plane. You get the idea.  A few days later, here I am on the beach, relaxing, just another millionaire taking it easy on the beach, soaking up the sun, counting his money. Six million dollars!
    As my old boss used to tell me,  6 is always better than 1.  I guess the old guy was right all along!