A Journey Through Time

“This girl, tell me about her.”

“She’s amazing; I mean…her honesty, her practicality. Just the very reality she embodies. I know, she is way too wild for me, and she has a boyfriend anyway. But it is never a crime to dream, right?”

Awoken, as if from a dream
Or from a nightmare, no; from the dead
Stirred from a simple slumber
Or something deeper which to dread
But wherever I had resided
Be it dreams or be it worse
Is now no part of present, but past
This new blessing lacking a curse
And now she who stands before me
Pervades my dreams and soon my heart
My very soul if such existed
My whole and every part
Has love proven its existence?
Alas I already know
Self-evident to most foolish eyes
The truths your heart may bestow
Stolen breath and increased rhythms
But mere effects of such presence
Impossible to feign in any form
Such a love without pretence

“But can you content living off of dreams alone?”

“I don’t know how I can be so enamoured with her and she feels nothing back! How can you have someone fall in love with you and not even notice them? I’d die for her, and she’d forget about me in five minutes…”

Time continues to trickle forward,
But results are stationary
A dream becomes a nightmare
By remaining imaginary

Two hearts still steadily beat
In rhythm yet separate
Soon one begins to bleed
Hopelessness incarnate

The other takes no notice
Of the rhythm nor the blood
Of the truth behind the mask
The dam before the flood

A wish as isolated as its maker
As alone as his heart
Yet as pure as his intentions
And as close to the start

Desperate enough to be noticed
Yet ashamed enough to hide
Silence enveloping rejection
The levelling of the tide

“So you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t care anymore? That you’re content being alone; some prince of darkness? You’re just justifying your isolation to ignore your loneliness.”

“Don’t pretend you know me! I don’t need anyone anymore. Isolation has become synonymous with exaltation! Loneliness is just another word for happiness now.”

“And has denial become another word for truth?”

The light wasn’t a guide- it served to blind me
Surround me with self hate and my inadequacy
But dark clouds of clarity now cover your face
Our rhythm is broken; you’re back in your place
And I return to mine, my tranquil isolation
Neutral antiquity’s newest incarnation
The second coming of a rapturous bliss
Whose sweetness is present because it doesn’t exist
A heart is broken so it’s tossed away
Just a reminder of when I had gone astray
When its pulsating echoes had consumed my mind
My thoughts and will- my very life confined
Overwhelmed with such feelings of imperfection
No more than a product of that silent rejection
Such continual shame and perpetual repentance
All caused by a search for your acceptance
But in apathy resided the key to my excellence
Grow flawless through the eyes of indifference
For by caring no longer about others affection
You answer to no one and gain your perfection

“But your shell of indifference shattered didn’t it?”

“Things are different now…”

“You’re becoming blind again”

“But she’s not the same. She really cares…”

“Does she?”

“We’re in love.”

“You’ll never learn.”

A love made true when she said she cared
A future gains value by being shared
Together

A smile, puckered lips and two cheeks stained red
A laugh, a sigh, and two bodies in bed
Forever

Hope, reassurance, and a perpetual promise
Three words, one thought, unending bliss
One heart

Late nights, sleepy kisses, sound sleeps as one
Warm mornings, open arms, and a story just begun
Two parts

Television, music, and burned DVDs
Cold hands, shared umbrellas and fumbling with keys
Entwined

Eating out, reading menus, both volunteering to pay
Holding hands, exchanging glances, swearing to stay
Refined

“How are you feeling?”

“I cried myself to sleep again last night”

“Should I be surprised?”

“She said she loved me…”

“You ignored the signs”

“She said forever”

“You’re not the first”

“But we were special”

“Were.”



I love her

She wants to leave

I’ll make that change

You can’t

I’ll make her happy

By letting her go

Together

No longer

Not yet

Soon


Why?

She’s fickle

I tried

You failed

Absolutely

Move on

She’s still here

You’re dying

So?

Your future…

Gone.



“It’s over…”

“You should be glad”

“She betrayed me…”

“That just proved you deserve better”

“She said she’d help me…”

“She’s a liar”

“She promised to always be there”

“She never loved you”

“…never?”

Goodbye
The words are slowly read and I find myself blinded
The tears protect my eyes so as I’m not reminded

A lie…
The thoughts swirl within my head as I deny this is real
The stagnate questions remain unanswered as she ignores how I feel

Vows sworn
Desperate cries meet with laughter on the other end of a phone line
Climbing up to reach the fruit but soon strangled by the vine

Forlorn
Alone and unsheltered under the blackened stormy sky
Shaded in a rain of shaftless bodkins all aimed at I

To fade
Defeated by the nonexistent and denounced for a falsehood
Abandoned for showing truth and asking to be understood

Betrayed
Accused for needing support and criticised for devotion
Reaching out in vain and asked to cease the motion

“I was holding on for so long”

“You should enjoy this freedom”

“How am I free? I can’t do anything…”

“But you’re able to try”

“I’ll fail without her”

“You have to learn to stand alone”

“…or not at all”

Falling to my knees in the wake of total rejection
Gripping the shards of my life in its splendid imperfection
Slowly they are pressed through surface of my skin
Becoming stained by the thoughts that thrive within
By the thoughts of nothingness; of a future torn
Of a mind and of a heart so young but so worn
Of the conclusion to a story written by two
And of the many mistakes only death can undo
The memories are slowly dragged down my arm
Repeating the cycle whose beginning birthed this harm
Repeated and amplified, as one becomes fifty
Many more than the two it look for her to desert me
And as the past is revealed to be beyond resurrection
I feel the motions start to change their intention
The surface is tested and they now wish to enter
Sights are set on the throat; just a few inches off centre
Take another stab at cutting through the tension
Slowly coming grips to a horror beyond contention
As a failure is soon to follow every attempt
The future proves to be one from which I’m not exempt

“I can’t believe she’d just abandon me like this…I came to her for help. She promised she’d be there for me, then the next day she just…disappears. How can she just leave me for dead like this? How can she say she still loves me?”

“You already know the answers to those questions; because you’re a burden, because you’re fucking pathetic. She told you this already- word for word! Why do you deny this reality?”

“Is that really all I was to her?”

An existential crisis
The vanishing of oneself
Free of mystical vices
But lacking a direction

Striving to build a future
Just to pass the time
Yesterday closed with a suture
But the infections still inside

Stagnating in isolation
But unable to leave this grave
Stripped of any motivation
The future looks so bland

My every goal and every action
They all once had a cause
Solely judged by her reaction
Her acceptance was all their was

But like a preacher losing his religion
I see my dogma was a lie
Now betrayed by her decision
A heretic, but still alive

“How can she just walk out on me like that? I gave it my all and she threw it back in my face! She laughed at me when I was crying over the phone! She said she loved me and just disappeared. What was I really worth in her eyes?”

“That’s her fault: she can only see things in terms of how they benefit her.”

It would seem I am now betrayed
Oh my little queen of hearts
You destroyed all we had made
My little queen of clubs
I was offered your hand
As I wiped my blood off mine
You promised to understand
That night I told you the truth
You swore your support
As you saw I was breaking down
Blessed by your comfort
I could turn my life back around
But the next day you vanished
And said I just wasn’t worth your time
My future now banished
As you changed your mind
I was too soon to awaken
And can never return to my dream
But you left me forsaken
You’re not worth the lies spilling through your teeth

“I do not know if I have ever before hated someone this much in my life. I have been manipulated, deceived, betrayed, demonized, ignored, devastated, and now forgotten. She has truly come to represent almost everything I could hate in a person.”

“Don’t worry…her future will be her punishment. One day she will realize all she has done. Then she can never, ever escape.”