Phantom Agony

Darkness surrounds me, and I have succumb to it. I am alone. Inside me that cold feeling is entering. My heart and soul are like a bitter cold December, with only a light blanket of warmth. Enough to keep me sane. Here I am again in this darkness, which for me, has become my reality.

A flicker of light appears before me. A hope, a reassurance. He is there. My past, my present. My heart, racing, racing... Can this be real? After all this time, he is here. Gaining strength, I walk towards him, his smile welcoming me; his arms calling out to me. Running, running. I approach, but something is amiss. This mist that falls around him isn't real, and as I touch my hand to his face; neither is he. My hand passes right through this phantom, and he is gone as fast as he appeared. This flicker of hope has just burned out.

I can't see you, I can't feel you. Do you still exist?

This has become my reality, this delusion. I fall to my knees and cry. How has this become my reality? Why can't I move on from this future that isn't real? I stand up. I have had enough of this!
"I HATE YOU!" I scream. No answer.
"CAN YOU HEAR ME?" I ask. No answer.

I fall to my knees in agony. This isn't real. I am in love with a phantom. A memory and a delusion. He enters these dreams, and leaves them so quick. I can't remember what it was like anymore...and now, he is only a faded picture in my hands. There is no comfort in just a picture. It is not a taste, a feeling, a love. For it is only a picture, and a memory.

I can't taste you, I can't feel you. Do we even exist?

I open my eyes. Darkness is all that surrounds me, so what am I to do? Find my way in the dark? There is no way out of this place anyway. It is my own mind, can you really go out of that? Oh yes, out of your mind. Insanity. Is that the only way out? To lose everything I know, to leave everything that is real? Someone must help me, someone I know, someone I don't know. Does it really matter anymore?

Around me the scenes are changing, the room is spinning. I see my friends, that can't understand. I see my family, who doesn't know. No one really knows, do they? Do the recognize me? Or see the girl that they once knew?

Around me I see nothing familiar. Only a strange blur of lines and faces that I once knew. I feel like I know no one, because everything I know is a deceit. How I can trust one and not another just makes no sense. This world around me is a giant confusion. Faster and faster they spin, like a whirlpool. I am being sucked in. There is no escape now. They are pulling at my feet, forcing me into their world.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shout to this disaster. "I WANT TO STAY HERE!"

But even I know I can't live in this fairytale forever. Fairytale? It feels more like hell. A nightmare played over and over again to torment my soul, like an old home movie. A temporary high, a flicker of hope, a false pretense...to get me through another day. But when all is said and done, it is my misery. My weakness, and I am nothing. I need to use my common sense, I cannot stay here forever. I can't live inside this memory forever. I can't live within in the boundaries of this faded picture, with the broken frame. It's broken, and old...never to be restored.

So I give in to the pressure. Take me down, take me out. My head spins as I am pulled down, down. As I reach the bottom, a bright light surrounds me. My head is light and dizzy, as I slowly wake. The tears are rolling down my face. Here I am again, another night survived. Barely.

And here I sit, the girl in love with the phantom. Trapped inside everything that once was. Attached to someone who can only visit her in dreams, who can only be with her in the night, and never close enough for comfort. That is me. Can't you see that I am crying out? Don't play with me. I am not some toy, but to everyone I must appear that way. A broken doll thrown in the corner, longing for the days when she used to be loved. Will someone notice me there, alone? Is there a chance of ever being fixed?

Can my reality, be my sanctuary someday? Oh, how I would prefer it to these horrific fairytales; which cast aside and dispose of the truth. Only time will tell, as they say for anything else. Only time will tell if this past will make me stronger, or break me into the insanity. The insanity that is already so close that I can taste it. Maybe I will get rid of this illusion, this fantasy; this phantom agony. But first I would have to realize that no one can save me from this...no one but myself.