Soul Battle

                                                Soul Battle

The battle wages within.  There is no stopping it.  It comes without warning it brings with it no compassion.  The heart quickens, the thoughts rush violently . . . there is no stopping them.  The battle begins.

“Worthless, nobody, unloved, you aren’t special, you're just like everyone else.  Hurt yourself, draw some blood, break something, that will ease the pain within.  God doesn’t love you, if he did he would stop this.  You are nobody, you are worthless.  If you had any power you could do something about this.  If you are beautiful, huh, then only God seems to see it.  Don’t believe anything anyone says, they only indulge you.  You are no different to them then a stranger on the street.  The people that they walk right past and take no notice of.  They don’t care for you.  They don’t love you.  There is only love of self and you lack even that.  You hate yourself, you hate who you are.  They talk of power that the Son of God gives.  They talk of gifts that the Son of God gives to those he loves.  Where is your power?  You are powerless.  Where are your gifts?  You look and have none.  Do something reckless, drive your car off a cliff in the middle of the night, somewhere it would take hours for them to find you.  No one would miss you.  No one would even know you are gone.  If God loved you he would tell someone your hurting inside.  He would tell someone you are not yourself.  Where is the awe of God you used to see every day?  He has left you, that’s where it has gone.  He cares nothing for you, he has moved on.  That is the truth.  You know it in your head, you know it in your heart.  Come away with me I can show you love, I can show you power.  I will take care of you.  I will make you somebody.  Don’t listen to them, they care nothing for you, it is I who cares for you.  It is I who comes in the night, in the dark for you.  It is I who talks you to sleep at night, whispers words in your ear so that you can sleep.  I will help you on your way to greatness.  Me and only me.  If God loved you . . . things would be different.”

You battle these demons alone.  Alone these voices torment you.  You want to reach out your hand to God but you are bound in chains.  You want your thoughts to turn to God but even those don’t obey your commands.  You are helpless.  There is no hope.  Only darkness.  There is nothing you can do but let your tears flow hoping that someone will see them.  You have ceased praying because you see no results.  This battle has been waged before and you won.  It took years of pain, sweat, blood, tears and sorrow for you to win, but you won.  Now everything that you took years to beat has come rushing back in a single night.  That night turns into day.  You want to tell someone but the chains hold you back.  So quickly those chains can bind you.  So quickly can those chains hold you back.  Cold and rough against your skin you try and thrash free but there is no use.  All the people you thought ever loved you, everything they ever told you echoes in your head as lies.

“God loves you.  You have power.  You are his child.  All lies!  You are worthless, a nobody, and nobody cares.”

You can’t get the thoughts out of your head.  You can’t stop the voices.  You know they are wrong and yet you believe them anyway.  Why?  Why can’t you fight them.  Why can’t you claim the power you know you have.

“You have no power.”

Defeat.  With one crushing blow the enemy has you on the ground.  The tears come flowing with not an end in sight.  You see only darkness before you.  What is there to live for?  No one cares about you.  You aren’t beautiful.  You are a nobody just like they say.  The battle is won.  You are defeated.  There is nothing left of you.  Your heart is shattered and no one cares.  The enemy has you on your knees . . . his mistake.

A breath . . . a flutter of the heart . . . a thought . . . the tears stop . . . you note the wetness on your face . . . another breath . . . another thought . . . the beginnings of a song . . . the enemy has made a mistake . . . one that has cost him the battle . . .

You think to yourself.  If I stay this way, bound in chains people will want to help me.  People will notice me.    They will care about me and tell me the things I want to hear.  Then you remember.  Fruit . . . your harvest . . . what will they think if they see you this way?  What good will you do like this?  Eternal fruit that is your calling.  Then you realize . . . power.  Power is the key word.  He claims you have no power, but why is it he only attacks when that power threatens to become unleashed.  Then you realize.  He is afraid, he hates you.  He realizes your power and is afraid of it.  He trembles when he thinks of you.  You realize it now.  And he’s made the very mistake that will help you unleash your powers.  He has gotten you on your knees.  You start to rise.

“You can’t get up.  You are a nobody.  You have no power, you cannot . . . no!”

You get to your feet.  You raise your head up high.  And you start to sing.  Softly at first, then your voice starts to rise, the words shadow a power that surprises you . . . a familiar song, with a whole new meaning.

“Even though I walk, through the valley, of the shadow of death, your perfect love is casting out fear, and even though I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life I won’t turn back I know you are near and I will fear no evil, for my God is with me, and if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear, whom then shall I fear . . .”

The chains start to fall away.  You can hear the echo of them falling to the floor.  You can feel a trembling in your soul.  The voices in your head scream louder than ever . . .

“You are nobody, your are unloved, you have no power, your are worthless . . .”

Your face twists into a grin, with a look of contempt you only raise your hands and sing louder . . .

“Oh no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm oh no you never let go through every high and every low oh no you never let go, Lord you never let go of me . . . and I can see a light that is coming to a heart that holds on . . .”

         Lord! You cry, I’m holding on!  I need you!

“A glorious light beyond all compare and there will be end to these trouble and until that day comes we’ll live to know you’re here on the earth and I will fear no evil for my God is with me and if my God is with me whom than shall fear, whom than shall I fear . . . you keep on loving and never let go.”

You stop singing.  You lower your head, your hands come down.  There is a glint, a fire in your eyes as you look him straight on.

Leave

“W – w – w - what?” he trembles

I – said – leave.  You are a liar, you know nothing.  You know what I am capable of and so you try and stop me.  You know my thoughts are the easiest way you are able to get to me.  But no more.  Whenever someone says anything about an anointing, whenever anyone preaches about power you unleash all you have on top of me.  Which can only mean one thing . . . you know what I am capable of even more so than I do . . . yet.  Now get out of my face.

“Noooooooooooooo”

And he is gone, and the battle is won.  You think to yourself . . . “If he only knew what I was going to be after the storm . . . he wouldn’t have bothered you.  Cause now I’m stronger, and I’ve got more power, and I’m a little bit wiser and I got more strength . . . anointing, got God’s favor.”  And you stand strong.  Ready for anything that might come your way.  Ready to fight, ready to stand tall.  He made a mistake messing with you, and he won’t soon forget it.

© Lauren Howell 2007
Lyrics used © Matt Redman, You Never Let Go, 2007
           © Tye Tribbett & GA, I Want It All Back, 2006