Dollar Turk

Dollar Turk

Finishing our Friday night ritual at the Chinese restaurant, we go up to pay.

Normally I break out my debit card, but this time I hand the Chinese girl some money and her eyes flew open..

"MISSATER DAVE, YOU PAYING WITH CASH!?" she exclaims a question.

Doodle <my wife> and I bust out laughing hysterically and the girl laughs along with us.

"See sweetheart" Doodle says, "Even the Chinese people know you're a cheap."

I gave the girl an extra dollar tip just for having a personality that week. Shame you have to positively reinforce personality! We left the restaurant laughing at the continual references to my frugality and as we came around the corner of the building we continued chuckling as we headed to our favorite dollar store.

When we headed up the walk toward the store we could see our friend, the young Turkish owner of the store outside having a cigarette seeing us and smiling.

"Hello you two." he says in his noticable accent

"Hey" I reply, "Perfect! Stay out here so we can rob you!"

"You rob me every week!" he replies. That was it...our usual weekly banter was underway.

Popularized somewhere in late 90's, dollar stores have become a big part of the American way of life and preying on the American love of a bargain, but all the while being generally completely un-American.

Dollar stores are full of totally necessary everyday bargains and food with low to moderate quality items once sold in "5 and dimes", made much cheaper in foreign countries and sent to the US to be sold in these stores basically...well...run by foreigners. The only American ever seeing anything from these places might be if the actual store is rented from an American...

Everything in a real dollar store sells for a dollar or less.

If the stuff is good and usable, its a real bargain. If it sucks then you've only lost a dollar to find out. Yet that doesn't stop me from wanting top quality from my dollar store or to make the proprietor earn his dollar by haranging the piss out of him each week.

The fun starts by me picking up every item and asking him "How much?" knowing damn right well its a dollar.

Grabbing fake Gold Bond powder, "How much?"

He smiles and says, "More than you can afford?"

"Is this the best one you can get or do I need to go some place else?"

"You can go some place else and save me the stomach ache."

Then I evitably ask for something I know he doesn't have, "Hey, did you get in any cheap computer speakers?"

"No, should I have?" he replies with a question

"Too late now." I reply

Acting concerned about his life I ask "Hey so are you going home soon?"

"Yes! I have a friend's wedding in Turkey to go to soon."

"Oh, time to take back more money from the US and launder it there?"

"Only your money, no one elses." he says.

"You must be sitting around with your old friends there in some bar, laughing your ass off huh? Telling your friends of all the money these stupid American's spend, while you buy another round of drinks. You must be like a hero there."

"Oh yes, all the girls have pictures of me on their walls."

As I walked around sweating I noticed how hot the place was this week.

"Hey, couldn't you afford the air conditioner this month with all the money I give you?" I asked

"Hey do you know how much the electric bill was last month...$850!"

"Oh here we go, wah wah wah...another small businessman cryin' the blues! 'I'm just a little man in this busines world, I can't make it, everyone's pickin' on me.'"

"If I keep the air conditioner on, I can't afford to stay open for you to torment me."

I walked around the store and got a couple of boxes of a really good green tea he had.

"Hey" I told him, "Get more of this stuff."

"You like it?" He replied with a question.

"Yeah its great. I might actually be willing to give you a buck ten for it!"

"WOW!" he answered.

I went looking down the aisle where he keeps the toothpaste and then went up front to ask, "Do you have any of those dental flossers?"

"No, I will get them in on...Wednesday."

"What good does that do me? My teeth are a mess now."

"We apologize for the inconvenience." he replies tersely then he cuts off a small piece of balloon ribbon and hands it to me. "Use this in the meantime."

As I strolled another aisle I picked up a digital timer. "Does this come with a warranty?"

"If it breaks, you can bring it back." he replies.

"For credit or my money back?" I ask

"No, but you can bring it back here."

"But no credit?" I asked

"How can I do that?"

"Well like take these party favors over here."

"Yeah." as he looks at me disgusted.

"Say I bought these cheap party decorations for a kid party and put them up and the kid starts crying. He hates them! That's it, his party is ruined because the decorations made him cry. You mean to tell me I can't get my money back then?"

"I think the kid is crying because he knows YOU. That's got nothing to do with the party decorations. How can I give you your money back in that case?"

I went down his clothing aisle and he has little girl t-shirts of Dora the Explorer, the Hispanic cartoon character, looking noticeably Caucasian on them.

"Hey are these Dora shirts collectors items?" I asked

"Why?" he asks in return.

"Because she's white in them."

"She's not white?" he replies with surprise with a question.

"No, she's Puerto Rican." I told him.

"Oh" he answers, "Maybe that's why nobody buys those ones if she looks that white in them."

"Hmm. I get the feeling that's why they're a dollar." I tell him.

"I get the feeling you're right." He says, "But hey, they make pictures of Jesus being black, why can't they make pictures of Dora and be white?"

"I suppose."

"But it is probably a misprint or an accident." He says

"No such thing, someone's messing with you." I tell him

"Well you are mostly." he says. He looks at Doodle, "Did they feed him something bad over at the Chinese restaurant?"

"He's no worse than usual." She replies.

"See you need me around here as a consultant to notice these things for you and keep you out of trouble." I tell him.

"I have a feeling you make more trouble than you prevent." he replies

As I wiped more sweat from my brow, I saw he had some of those little battery fans.

"Do you get a battery with this thing?" I asked

"I'm sorry sir" he replies, "Battery not included."

"There ought to be a law against that."

"I competely agree with you." he replies, "I think you ought to run for Congress."

"Really?" I replied, "You'd vote for me."

"Well no, because I can't, I'm not a citizen. But I'd tell everyone else to vote for you."

"Thanks, you'd do that."

"Absolutely! If you won, then you'd have to move to Washington and you wouldn't be here to bother me."

Doodle starts laughing at him, I just smile at the instigations and knowing I'm bringing the worst out of this guy.

We get in line to check out and pay after the ten items plus tax forced me to break another dollar bill. "Thanks, I get to break another dollar."

Doodle smacks me on the arm and says, "Stop picking on him."

"I'm not mad at him, I'm mad the government." I reply. "Did you know if you hit me like that in his country, you'd go to jail for striking your husband."

"That is not true." the guy jumped in.

"See wiseass." Doodle says.

"Actually" he said to her, "They would kill you."

I began to laugh at her and then he looked me and said "However for being married to him, I think they might make an exception."

Fun@Dave's World
http://www.funatdavesworld.com