VEUVE CLICQUOT & CIGARS

VEUVE CLICQUOT & CIGARS

NOW WHEN I WAS AN UNDER-KEEPER ,MANY YEARS AGO........OH?..... AH! WELL AN UNDER - KEEPER IS AN ASSISTANT TO A GAMEKEEPER AND A GAMEKEEPER LOOKS AFTER THE GAME, PHEASANTS AND THE LIKE, FOR THE LANDOWNER WHO OWNS THE ESTATE, WHICH IN THIS CASE WAS SOME THREE THOUSAND ACRES OF MAINLY AGRICULTURAL LAND.ANYHOW, AS I WAS SAYING, WHEN I WAS AN UNDERKEEPER AND DOING ONE OF MY VARIOUS JOBS, WHICH IN THIS INSTANCE WAS SEARCHING THE NUMEROUS WOODS FOR SIGNS OF POACHERS ACCOMPANIED BY THE GAMEKEEPER. WE CAME ACROSS A STRANGE MANMADE TEPEE LIKE CONSTRUCTION DEEP WITHIN HAWTHORNE WOOD. A VARIETY OF SMALL BRANCHES HAD BEEN TORN FROM SEVERAL DIFFERENT TREES AND SHRUBS AND LEANT UPRIGHT AGAINST EACH OTHER AND AS I'VE SAID IT LOOKED LIKE A TEPEE AND WAS OBVIOUSLY MEANT TO HIDE SOMETHING SO WE INSPECTED FURTHER. ONE BY ONE WE LIFTED AND DISCARDED EACH BRANCH UNTIL WE REVEALED WHAT HAD BEEN CONCEALED BENEATH!. ASTOUNDED WOULD'NT BE A WORD TO DESCRIBE HOW I REACTED TO OUR FIND, IN FACT AT THIS POINT WHEN I RECOLLECT HOW I FELT AT THAT INSTANT IT WAS SHEER DISBELIEF. THERE IN FRONT OF ME, IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ISOLATED WOOD, IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS LARGE ESTATE STOOD THREE CASES OF VEUVE CLICQUOT CHAMPAGNE! AND ONE BOX OF HAVANA CIGARS!. I MUST HAVE STOOD THERE FOR A GOOD TWO MINUTES WITH MY MOUTH AGAPE UNABLE TO SPEAK, UNTIL THE SOUND OF THE GAMEKEEPER, BEHIND ME, TITTERING, BROUGHT ME TO MY SENSES. BY THIS TIME THE TITTERS HAD EXPLODED INTO LOUD GUFFAWS AND HE SPLUTTERED" YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS DON'T YOU?"."NO" SAYS I " HAVE YOU LEFT THIS HERE THEN?"THIS SIMPLE QUESTION EXTORTED EVEN MORE MIRTH FROM HIM AND HE HAD TO BEND OVER TO RELEASE A GREAT SHOUT OF MERRIMENT. "DON'T BE BLOODY DAFT" HE SAID " WHERE THE 'ELL WOULD I GET MONEY FOR CHAMPAGNE AND CIGARS?" "SO WHAT'S IT DOING HERE THEN?"I SAID GETTING JUST A LITTLE ANNOYED THAT THE INFORMATION HE HAD
WAS'NT FORTHCOMING FAST ENOUGH FOR ME. "WELL" HE SAYS CATCHING HIS BREATH AND STRUGGLING TO KEEP HIS FACE STRAIGHT,"WHO DO WE KNOW WHO DRINKS THIS STUFF AND PUFFS ON HIS FAT CIGARS.....MMMM?". I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS FOR A SECOND OR TWO, THEN THE PENNY DROPPED. " BLOODY 'ELL! YOU'RE JOKING, BUT WHY HIDE IT ALL HERE IN T' WOODS? WHY NOT KEEP IT UP AT THE BIG HOUSE, WHAT'S HE UP TO?"THE GAMEKEEPER PULLED HIS CAP FURTHER DOWN OVER HIS HEAD AND LOOKED FOR A PLACE TO SIT. CHOOSING AN OLD MOSS COVERED TREE STUMP HE SETTLED HIS AMPLE FRAME UPON IT AND BEGAN TO TELL ME THIS TALE."APPARENTLY"HE SAID, I CHOSE TO SIT MYSELF HERE AS THE GAMEKEEPER'S STORIES WERE INCLINED TO DRAG ON FOR A WHILE,"FROM WHAT I HEARD IN PUB T'OTHER DAY", HE CONTINUED,"HIS HIGHNESS, OUR LORD AND MASTER, HAS HAD SUMMAT OF A HEALTH SCARE....HEART ATTACK OR SUMMAT. ANYWAY HIS MISSUS, THE OLD DRAGON HERSELF, HAS PUT THE KIBOSH ON HIS DRINKING AN' SMOKIN', COME TO THINK OF IT THAT'LL EXPLAIN WHY HE'S BEEN WALKING ABOUT WITH A FACE LIKE A SLAPPED ARSE EH?" HE CHUCKLED TO HIMSELF THEN CONTINUED."ANY ROAD LOOKS LIKE THE SLY OLD BUGGAR HAS STASHED HIS SELF A LITTLE SECRET SUPPLY HERE IN T'WOODS..AND YA CAN BET THE MISSUS DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT...WELL, WELL WELL.."HE SLAPPED HIS THIGH AND GRINNED LIKE A CHESHIRE CAT AT ME, THEN WITH MUCH EFFORT HE PUSHED HIMSELF UPRIGHT AND WALKED OVER TO THE CACHE. LEANING OVER THE TOP OF THE UPPERMOST CASE HE LIFTED OUT TWO CIGARS, AND PASSED ONE TO ME. "HERE YOU ARE THEN"HE SAID"TRY THAT ON FOR SIZE AND I THINK WE'LL WASH THESE DOWN WITH A COUPLE A BOTTLES OF THAT THERE FANCY SHAMPERS, WHAT D'YA RECKON?". I MUST HAVE LOOKED PANICKED AT THE IDEA OF THIEVING THE BOSSES GOODS, BECAUSE HE LAUGHED ONCE AGAIN AND SAID,"DON'T LOOK SO WORRIED! HIS LORDSHIP IS HARDLY GUNNA SAY ANYTHING IS HE? HE'S MORE FRIGHTENED OF HIS MISSUS FINDING OUT AND IF HE KNOWS THAT WE KNOW HE WON'T RISK SAYING SUMMAT IN CASE WE DROP HIM IN IT...SO.......LETS GET THEM BOTTLES OPEN AND SEE HOW T' RICH FOLK LIVE". WELL THAT'S THE STORY AS I REMEMBER IT AND WE SAT THAT DAY IN THE WOODS DRINKING VEUVE CLICQUOT OUT OF THE BOTTLE AND SMOKED FAT CIGARS AND AS I GUZZLED DOWN THE FIZZY WINE I CAN REMEMBER THINKING ......................................................................I WONDER WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT THIS STUFF TASTES BLOODY AWFUL!!.