Transitioning From Daughter To Caregiver

At 92 years old, mom is fragile and strong, smart and sometimes 'fuzzy'. She has a great sense of humor with a twinkle in her blue eyes, and if she gets mad she could give you such a whop, if she wanted to...which she doesn't.

We had been looking after mom for quite a few years. Living next door made that pretty easy. Each year we had to take on more and more of her responsibilities, laundry, shopping, paying bills and so on.

She continued doing some simple cooking, fixed microwave meals and of course had a dish of frozen yogurt before bed! That was her daily 'fix'! I started getting meals on wheels for her when the cooking became something that she really should avoid doing. She could just pop that meal in the mic, she could handle that ok.

She was still able to take care of her nature calls herself. She had a port-a-potty in her room for when she was in there, or she would use the regular bathroom when she was in the front room.

But bathing was being eliminated more and more, so I needed to step in and assist with that, as well as doing her hair and nails. No problem, we lived next door as I said, a few feet away. You do what you need to do.

November of 05 our home burned, and we had to move in with mom. Now what.....

The day of the fire, we moved into mom's house next door. Thank God we had a place to go. We slept in the front room on the hide-a-bed. Since we were living here now, we could tend to her much more effectively and frequently. She was still able to look after herself during the day while we were at work. But that would come to a hault before to long.

Mom had been living alone for many years and as a result had established very bad habits and routines, or I should say lack of routines. As she got older her once very routine day turned into a do whatever, whenever or not at all! This included sleeping, eating, bathing and so on. She would get up at all hours of the night, sometimes getting dressed and having breakfast at midnight! Well, needless to say we lost a lot of sleep for awhile until we could get her into a good routine, for all of us! I got her on a schedule of when to get up, eat, nap and go to bed. She still frequently rebels against the routine, "I will go to bed when I want to!" Having a routine was necessary for our sanity and even though she doesn't realize it so very beneficial for her.

Now we make sure she gets a good breakfast, at breakfast time! She gets her correct meds when she should have them, and make sure she drinks enough liquids, which she always fell far short of all her life. Water consumption is critical for everyone, but certainly for the elderly. She ususally takes 2 to 3 hours to eat her breakfast so most of the time she doesn't eat lunch, maybe just a light one. Then I fix the three of us supper. Which is a challenge. Getting accustomed to her kitchen took me ahwile. I lost my creative cooking edge for a time, but of course I still had to cook. Cooking for mom has been the real challenge. She can't taste or smell and many things she cannot chew up. So, I have had the task of finding foods that she can eat, that are colorful, have the right texture, good for her and make up menus using them. Has been a chore.

Since I was living here it was easier to help mom with her personal care, like her bathing. I'd run the water, put her special seat in the tub for her, and what ever other assistance she might need. "There you are, now you can get yourself washed up." "Let me know when you are done or if you need any help." One particular bath night, I had to wake up to the realization that she could not take her baths this way anymore. It was to difficult for her, and she was washing maybe two body parts! So, the next bath night, I had her sit on the end of the seat and do a sponge bath using the sink. I was still trying to allow her some independence and privacy. Truth is, she would just as soon never put water on her body again and she would be just fine with that!

The reality of it all was, I was postponing or ignoring the inevitable facts...I needed to giver her her baths, start to finish. I had been doing her hair at the kitchen sink yet, that worked ok, but it to would change. But this bath thing, I knew she was barely washing at all, but what to do? I knew what to do, I just had a hard time doing it... moving into the role of caregiver.

Realizing and acknowledging was the first step in removing my "daughter's coat" and putting on my "caregiver's coat". When I finally made the decision to take over mom's bath time completely, the coat was all the way on. It is a mental shifting of gears, a pocketing of emotions that only those who have had to do it can understand. It is likened to a death and burial. A changing of the guard. The daughter is now the nurse...dietician...rule maker...comforter...(prison guard!)... companion...all-around caregiver...mom's mom.

Where did the daughter go to? She is beginning to find herslf again. It has taken almost a year, but it is happening little by little. Being able to share with others helps me to be somebody, have an identity. My world became very isolated and lonely. That too is changing.

Back tracking again to Easter of 06, mom fell and broke her ankle. That same week she passed out from a tia. That's a little clot that loosens and makes a nuisance of itself then disappears - my medical terminology. Thus bringing more trials to a already difficult situation.....If I don't do it, who will?.....

Going from the broken ankle to the passing out, mom spent several days in the hospital going through a battery of tests, all which showed nothing. They gave her different meds to thin her blood and slow her heart, and changed her blood pressure meds. All of which put her in such a stupor I thought she was actually dying! Being in a strange place, not having someone around her all the time, not being handled in a way that brought her security, combined with the effects of the meds, I really thought I was losing her.

The day I was to bring her home, I took charge, got her dressed, gave her instructions as to how to move, and gave her the security that she had not gotten while there. She responded so well, with understanding and strenth I was just a hollering! I had my mom back! I couldn't wait to get her home and give her the care I knew she needed.

So, we learned how to function with her in a cast from her knee down. The first time I moved her, I thought she had gained 50#! But I quickly got used to the added weight. She coped very well with it. Whe she was in bed she would just flip that leg back and forth like nothing...no pain. See, it had been over 2 weeks before they actually discovered her ankle was broken! That was after Drs. and xrays! A therapist that came to work with her was sure she had a fracture and set up an appointment for her. New xrays and different Drs. found the fracture. So she was going through those days in pain, both here at home and during her stay in the hospital. We were told it was a bad sprain. In the hospital they only wrapped her foot in an ace bandage! We did borrow a wheel chair to use also. She was in the cast for a month and then a month of getting used to putting weight on her foot and ankle. At the end of that month, she stood up and I had her stand with pressure on that foot. I asked her how did that feel, and she said, "It feels like I want to walk!" I said let's go, out to the front room! She walked through the whole house, strong as can be! I told her she was off and running again. she said, "Well I'm off, but I'm not running anywhere!"

I was going to sum this all up, but in caregiving, there is no summing up. It is a job that continues 36 hours a day, day after day, month after month and so on. However long you must where that coat. If it wasn't for my husband, I couldn't even do this, he is the only helper I have. We do have 2 "mommie" sitters that we hire, from time to time so we can actually go somewhere together! It is his love and commitment to my mom that allows him to put on his "caregiver's coat" when he is needed.