The Passage Of Time

Walking to the window, Anna stretched and rubbed her arms. The day seemed colder than usual. She noticed the sky had turned a smoky grey. Perhaps it will rain, she thought, as she looked around the pale blue room. Someone had tried to make the room look cheery by painting it blue and hanging a picture of yellow daisies over the bed. Somehow it didn’t help to take away from the sadness of the hospital room.

Again she looked at the sky and thought it might rain. She wondered what time it was. Time had melded together since she had arrived. When had she arrived? Oh yes, it was Saturday and she had been here for nine shift changes. So today is Monday, afternoon. Or is it evening? No matter, someone will let her know later.

She listened to the machines as they did their jobs. The monitor beeping in rhythm to her mothers’ heart and the whistle of the oxygen as it made its way through the tube. Her mother looked so peaceful resting in the bed. Anna reached over and brought the cover up around her mothers’ shoulders to help keep the chill away. The waiting was the hardest on her as she listened to the nurses’ shuffle around outside the door. Every now and then, one would come in and check her mother.

The door opened and the doctor came in to do his routine check.

“How is she today?” he inquired as he bent over the small form in the bed. “Have there been any changes?”

“No, she’s still about the same. Every now and then, she wakes up and seems very uncomfortable.” Anna waited as the doctor finished his exam. She turned looking, once again toward the sky beyond the window. “Is she in any pain?” She struggled to keep her voice from cracking as she asked. Anna needed reassurance that everything was being done to ease her mothers suffering.

“Right now, the morphine has allowed her to rest comfortably and that’s about all that can we can do right now.” The doctor watched Anna as she crossed to the other side of the bed. “I’m not going to lie to you,” he said as he searched the face of the young woman. He had dealt with cancer patients and their families for years and it was always the same in the end. He waited for a reaction from the young woman, only there was no reaction to what he’d said. “Your mother is in no pain for the moment. I have increased the dosage of morphine to ease the pain” He bowed his head as he spoke the words, “There’s nothing left to do but wait.”

“How much time?” Anna whispered as she brushed an invisible hair from her mother’s brow.

“I’m afraid there’s no way of telling. All anyone can do now is try and keep her comfortable.” The doctor said. “I realize this isn’t easy, but I need to have you sign the papers regarding life support in the event that anything should happen.”

Anna looked around the room at its stark appearance. Her mother had loved life and now, here she was lying in this room, how odd that her mothers last days should be spent in this room with its one window that overlooked the roof of the floor below. “What can life support do?” she questioned.

“It will only prolong her life for a while.” The doctor looked from the woman in the bed to the young woman standing next to the bed, his brown eyes watchful for her reaction. “I realize that this is a difficult decision and you need some time. I’ll come back later with the papers and if you decide against life support you can sign them then.”

As soon as the doctor left the room Anna gave in to the emotions she had so carefully hidden.

“I love you Momma,” She whispered to the thin, frail woman on the bed as she leaned over and kissed her cool, dry cheek. How different she looked, once so vital and full of life and now so thin and frail. “I wish there were something that I could do to help you.” Her thoughts centered on the woman in the bed. So many times in the past she had been there for Anna and now she was helpless to do anything for her mother. “In the past whenever I was in trouble or just needed a friend you were there for me. You never judged me or criticized me.” Frustrated Anna wiped the tears from her eyes

It seemed like only yesterday that her mother was giving her a lecture about living on her own. God, how she thought she knew it all! No one was going to tell her that she was too young; after all, she was seventeen. A small smile emerged on her face. She had lived a year with her father and that was all she could stand. Anna had always placed her father above everything, now after a year in his house she had seen how selfish he really was.

Looking back at all that had happened Anna realized that the first mistake she’d made was going to live with “The Old Man”. She smiled at this reference to her father. Oh, how momma hated that term! She would tell Anna that it was “disrespectful” coming from his daughter. Anna chuckled every time she said that and now she realized that the only reason she said it was because it was disrespectful. After living a year with the old man Anna had had enough and was ready to go off and live with her boyfriend and explore the world.

Anna smiled down at the frail woman on the bed; warmth crept over her, as though a gentle hand had been placed on her heart. She laid her head on the edge of the bed as she whispered, “Whenever I needed someone I could always turn to you. I will never forget the day that I went to that tiny studio apartment you were living in and explained what was happening at dads. You tried to talk me out of going.”

‘Anna, are you sure you want to do this? I know you think you love Mark but is this really what you want to do?’

‘Oh momma, yes this is what I want more than anything. Please help me to do this. Please.’ Anna pleaded with her mother, fearful that she wouldn’t give her permission to go.

‘Oh Anna, I’ll give you my permission only because I don’t want you to run away. I’d rather know where you are and what you are doing and this way I know you will keep in touch. But, there is one thing you must do before I give you my permission.’

Hugging her mother Anna asked, ‘Oh anything momma, anything. I’ll promise.’

Holding Anna away from her she said ‘You must promise me that if you ever need me or want to leave Mark you’ll come home to me.’ Anna’s mother watched her closely as she waited for an answer.

‘I promise momma, I promise.’ She threw her arms around her mother at that moment, the love she felt so deep.

“I hugged you so much that day momma, do you remember?” Anna clasped her mothers’ frail hand and rested her head upon it. “I hugged you so much because of the deep love I felt for you.” Anna wiped the tears away, she hated tears; to her it was a sign of weakness.

“I never told you this before, but I truly loved Mark, I know you wanted us to get married but it never happened. It wasn’t just my wanting to get out of the old man’s house, I truly deeply loved Mark. I guess in a sense it was the way that you loved the old man, even after your divorce.

“As I look back on that day so long ago Momma, I know in my heart that you were the one who truly cared about me, not dad.”

Just then the door opened and in waltzed Karen, her “dear” sister. There never was any love lost between them. Karen hated Anna because of the love their mother had for her. Anna knew that Karen’s hatred was born from her jealousy.

“Oh Momma” Karen wailed, “I need you. You have to get better.” She threw her hands up in the air.

“Karen!” Anna hissed, “Show some respect damn it and be quiet for a change.” Karen’s round face turned red as she faced her sister.

“I don’t have to listen to you.” Karen whimpered, “I’m here to see Momma not you, so shut up.” As always Karen turned to whining for attention.
Irritation rising Anna knew that she had to shut her sister up or she would explode. “Listen!” Anna said as calmly as she could, “Momma’s been sedated heavily so she can’t respond. All we can do is be here for her.”

“What do you mean she can’t respond?” Karen wailed, throwing herself into the chair in the corner of the room, “I need her, I can’t make it without her help. She has to….” Realizing she had said too much, she shut up.

“What do you mean? Momma has to what?” Anna asked standing in front of her sister. She knew what her sister wanted. It was the same old story: Karen wanted MONEY. Karen always wanted money and now when their mother was lying in a hospital room barely alive, she had the audacity to try to get money out of her.

“Nothing that concerns you.” Karen said petulantly, twisting in the small metal framed chair.

“Well if it’s money you’re after; forget it! Whatever is left is for momma and not you!” Anna watched for a moment as emotions played over her sisters’ face. She had hit the target and now Karen was angry that her plan was for nothing. “Come see momma and spend time with her while you’re still able, but don’t come here asking for anything that she can’t give.’

“You can’t do that. The money is hers, not yours, and it’s up to her whether or not I can have any.” Karen whined louder this time looking at their mother hoping to get a response.

Grabbing her arm, Anna led Karen from the room. “Listen Karen, Momma’s not coming home this time”, Anna sighed exasperated at her sisters inability to grasp the situation. “We knew this would happen one day. Well, now is the time to be here for momma, show her some consideration. Take the time to say your good-byes.”

“I love her and don’t want to lose her.” Karen whined.

“Neither do I!” Anna said more to herself than to Karen. “Why don’t you go get a cup of coffee, then come back?”

“I can’t stay long;” the old Karen had returned with her biting tongue, “After all, some of us have to work for a living. I do have a job to go to in the morning.”

“Do whatever you have to.” Anna couldn’t let Karen aggravate her into a fight now, momma needed her too much. “I took a leave of absence from work so I’ll be here. I’m going for a cup of coffee. I’ll be back shortly.”

Turning to leave Anna saw the look of hatred return to Karen’s face. Anna didn’t really understand why she hated her so deeply, but she wouldn’t let Karen get to her now. Hopefully, Karen would be gone before she returned. Most likely Karen would go in and try to get momma to say that she could have some money. Poor Karen, forever asking and never able to do for herself, Poor Karen.

After about an hour, Anna returned to find the room empty of interlopers. Again, she could spend time with momma without interference. She leaned down and placed a kiss on her mother’s forehead: the type a mother places on their child as they tuck them in at night.
“I’m back, Momma,” she said to the unresponsive form on the bed. “Remember my wedding day” she smiled wistfully at the recollection. “I couldn’t have gotten through it without you. I remember how you gave me strength.” A tear slipped from her eye as she remembered.

‘Remember Anna, this is your wedding day so enjoy!’ Anna lifted her arms as her mother helped her into her wedding dress. ‘Stop fidgeting and hold still or you’ll mess your beautiful hair. It looks so pretty the way that it’s pulled back from your face.’ Her mother gently lifted the back of her hair and placed it lovingly down again. ‘I only wish I could have given you a proper wedding as your mother” a tear came to her mother’s eye. ‘It should have been me not Andrew’s parents paying for it.’

‘No momma.’ Anna turned to her mother and placed her hands on her mothers shoulder, ‘it should have been dad not you to pay for my wedding.’ Anna’s voice hardened ‘he has the money to pay for it, only he won’t spare any of it for his children.’ She hugged her mother thinking all the while ‘The old man should have paid for this wedding but his precious wife would have had to part with some of his money so he won’t pay for it.’
Leaning over Anna passed her fingers over her mothers’ forehead remembering the anger she felt toward her father that day. Her eyes softened as she glanced down at her mother, resting peacefully for the moment, the only sound the slow rythmatic beat of the monitor and the whoosh of the oxygen as it moved through the tube.

“Do you remember what you said to me on my wedding day about being nervous: ‘if you think your making a mistake Anna, then take off that pretty gown and let’s go get some lunch.’ You chuckled at my nervousness. Your words made me laugh at my own fear. You stood by me that day just as you have everyday since.”

Walking to the window she looked at the sky, it had started to rain; the clouds were now a dark steely kind of gray. How appropriate, she thought, the day looked as dismal as she felt. She turned as she noticed that her mothers breathing had become raspy and uneven. She was so wrapped in her thoughts she had not noticed the doctor had returned. Movement by the bed caught her eye and she turned to see the doctor was checking the monitor beside the bed. She wiped at the tears that had fallen, once again erecting a wall around her emotions, as though to let any one see would be an intrusion.

“I have the papers for you to sign.” The doctor said, flipping through the chart in his hand. “As you know she’s diagnosed as terminal. The cancer has spread to her brain and that’s what is causing her body to shut down. The question of using life support is more for the family than for her.” The doctor watched Anna’s face as she answered.

“My mother would not have wanted to be kept alive by a machine; she was a strong woman, and I couldn’t forgive myself if I did something that she despised.” Anna reached out and gently touched her mothers cheek as she whispered, “I’ll sign the papers doctor.” She’d made up her mind earlier and now it was time to honor her mothers’ wishes. Fighting to control the tears that threatened to overflow, Anna signed the release forms. Her mother’s words rang in her ears long after the doctor had left,

‘Anna, if ever I get sick enough to where I don’t know what’s happening, make me a promise. Promise never to allow no one to keep me alive on one of those machines. My family doesn’t need to suffer that way and neither do I. When God calls me it’ll be my time and that’s all there is to it.’

“I wish you could be here to watch your grandchildren grow. Do you remember when Reese was born?” She bent her head as her mind wandered back to that day less than a year ago…

Her mother was coming to visit and everything had to be perfect. Anna spent all morning cleaning and now she had to see the doctor. Anxiously she waited as the doctor did his usual check, no, she hadn’t gained more than a pound this week, and yes she was eating all the right foods, no she didn’t feel anything except great. After all her mother was coming and should be here in about two hours. After his exam the doctor wanted her to go over to the hospital, even though she didn’t feel anything he said her labor had started.

‘But doctor my mom is coming and I want to be there when she gets to my house’ Anna looked at the doctor, she felt fine, after all this was her second child she should know if she was starting her labor. Shouldn’t she?
‘Well you can wait till three, that will give you a couple of hours by then we should know what’s going on, then I want you over at the hospital, no later than three’ He said with a smile.

‘Thank you doctor I’ll be there’ Anna rushed out of the doctor’s office, Jason’s small hand in hers. She smiled down at her son as they hurried home. Anna paced the house waiting, at three her mother still had not arrived so she wrote down the directions and asked the neighbor to watch Jason and give her mother the directions if she came. As she walked into the hospital her water broke and she knew that this was it, yet all she wanted was for her mom to come. Everything happened so fast and then at five forty when her mom walked into the hospital room everything seemed to stop for just a moment and Anna felt such happiness. Then the doctor handed her mom a set of clothes to change into ‘If your going to stay you have to put these on.’ Within moments her mom had changed and was there beside Anna as Reese entered the world. The doctor handed the baby to her mom and Anna smiled at her as their eyes met.

Anna looked up from her reverie and realized that she’d been crying, she looked up at the faded picture of daisies on the wall. Time seemed to stop, she laid her hand over her mothers hand, turning she leaned over and whispered in her mothers ear “ I love you momma” she leaned in and gently kissed her on the cheek “I hope that where ever you go there is no more pain.”

She laid her head on the edge of the bed listening to the labored breathing of her mother. The hand she held was so cold and frail; at that moment she knew that this was their last day together. Every moment was far too precious to be spent anywhere else, she had honored her mothers request yet somehow she didn’t feel any better.

“God watch over her where ever she goes.” Anna prayed one last time.
She closed her eyes as an odd feeling passed though her, at that moment she knew her mother had passed. It seemed like hours had passed as she sat there tears flowing freely, sadness engulfing her. Someone came in and took her hand then gently led her out of the room. She’d said her last good-bye.