Mr. Smith Sees an "On-Call"ogist

Prompt: Write about an emergency visit to the hospital.

Watchin' the "Bug-Zapper" on the porch, while swingin',
my ol' ear started itchin', then burnin' and stingin'.
I took a quick look then called my HMO's number;
half way through hold, it was like a cucumber.

A trip to the E.R. was clearly in order;
but, you can't explain that to a tape recorder.
An agent came on, then finally agreed,
so I hopped in the car and drove at top speed.

Twelve city blocks from the hospital drive,
my temperture spiked and I broke out in hives.
Blue and red flashers strobed through the back pane,
my window got stuck and it started to rain.

I finally made it, with my ticket in hand;
to see that the lobby had just room to stand.
Through chokin' and coughin', and one puddle of pee,
I waded through line to find I'd dropped my I.D.

"We can't admit you, 'til you fill out this novel."
However unmanly, I started to grovel.
I plead and I wept, I tried even to flirt
with the pen-pushing robot I wanted to hurt.

"Sorry, can't do it. I won't say it again."
I was shoved to the side without even a pen.
Forty minutes later, with fifty signed blanks,
The bot took my papers, grunting a "thanks".

I watched and I waited for someone to beckon.
Musta been two hours, or three, I reckon.
They roomed me, and groomed me, and bedded me down,
with another old man, we were both dressed in gowns.

A doctor rushed in, and gave a quick push,
"Don't be shy, Mr. Smith; lemme look at that tush."
- "Are you the doc of Otology, science of ears?"
"Nah, a Proctologist, inspector of rears."

I ran out the door, my bottom still showing,
my cheeks were flushed red, and my eyes were glowing.
- So . . . I have a swoll ear, a fever, some bumps . . .
who among us has never taken their lumps?

I sit on my porch swing, my ear swollen still,
digestin' the number on the hospital's bill.
The doctor fingered my leave as A.M.A.
My HMO, of course, refuses to pay.





Glossary:

bug-zapper or "Friday Night Lights": plug-in device hung outside (usually) of southern homes, designed to electrocute insects with a a stinky, loud, "zap". (A staple source of redneck entertainment.)

HMO: acronym for insurance carrier, "Horribly Misleading Operation" or "Sorry, Slime-Sucking Dogs"

A.M.A.: Against Medical Advice (No, nothing witty here. It's not even six a.m., cut a girl some slack . . .)