Daddy's Girl - Chapter 3

Continuing on from Daddy's Girl and Daddy's Girl 2...

Pulling into the parking lot, Cheryl was glad to finally arrive at the hospital. It took her over an hour to drive there and she had forgotten how awful rush hour traffic could be in the morning. After shutting the engine off, she sat back in her seat and took a deep breath. Reaching for a cigarette, she wanted to try and relax for a minute before going in to see her dad. Looking up at the fourth floor, she wondered which room was her father’s. Her stomach felt tight and nervous, her muscles tense as she wondered how he would look to her when she walked in his room. She hadn’t seen him for over a year, since he was finished with treatment. He struggled most of his adult life with alcoholism, never managing to stay sober for more than a few months at a time. He told her he had to stay sober this time or he’d die. “Ironic,” she thought, “he thought drinking would kill him and here he is, recovering from surgery for lung cancer and probably dying anyway.” He had managed to stay sober since then and she wondered if this would send him back to his life of drinking.

Knowing she couldn’t put off the inevitable for much longer, she grabbed her purse and got out of the car. She stretched and starting walking towards the entrance doors. “Don’t be nervous, don’t be nervous.” She thought while she walked, eyeing the entrance and wishing she could turn around and go back home. She put her cigarette out in the ashtray by the entry doors and walked into the hospital. She quickly found the elevators and pushed the “up” button and waited for the doors to open. They opened quicker than she hoped and she got in, pushed the “four” button. Her stomach turned while she felt the elevator swiftly move up to the fourth floor. Stepping off the elevator, she found the direction she needed to go and slowly started walking. There it was, her father’s room. She stopped just to the side of the doorway. “Relax, don’t worry, it’s okay.” She thought. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself walk in the room.

In the room were two beds, one was empty and the other she knew her dad was lying in. There was a dull orange and green striped curtain drawn, preventing her from seeing him. Her heart beat faster and she took another deep breath. She took one step, then another, trying to look past the side of the curtain. She expected to see her aunt Sandy and Marlene but they were no where to be seen. She took one final step and could see past the side of the curtain. He was lying there, unaware he was no longer alone in his room.

His eyes were closed and Cheryl figured he was sleeping. She took another step and could see tubes and wires running from him to the I.V.’s and machines. He looked peaceful, serene lying there. He was pale and his face was drawn. She thought he must have lost weight over the past year as she didn’t remember him looking so thin. His once jet black hair was all grey now and his face was clean shaven, the moustache he had for years was gone. Standing there looking at him, she could hardly believe this was the same man she saw in her mind when she thought of her childhood. She couldn’t connect the two men, each looking so different even though they were the same man. She thought back to when he was younger, the man she saw in her dreams from time to time.

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“Cheryl, honey, are you sleeping?” he whispered, leaning over, lightly shaking her shoulder.

“I was daddy.” Opening her eyes, she tried to focus. “What time is it? Where’s mom?”

“She’s at work, it’s late, baby. Wake up, c’mon downstairs with me.” He pulled gently on her arms, sitting her up in the bed.

“Okay dad.” Cheryl could smell beer on his breath as he whispered to her and fear crept its way into her. “I’m so tired, daddy. Can’t I sleep, please?” She felt herself being pulled out of bed as she said it.

“Shh, don’t wake your sister up. Just for a little while, baby, c’mon. You can stay up with daddy for awhile, okay? It’ll be fun, honey, just you and me.”

Cheryl felt herself being lifted into his arms. Wrapping her arms around his neck she knew it was no use trying to talk him out of waking her up. He carried her out of her bedroom and brought her down the stairs to his chair in the living room. She could hear “Baby, I’m a Want You” playing on the stereo as he sat her down in his lap. She kept her eyes closed while he stroked her hair.

“Oh I love you, honey. You’re daddy’s girl, you know that, don’t you?” He whispered in her ear while one hand stroked her hair and an arm wrapped around her waist.

“Yes daddy, I know.” Cheryl put an arm around his neck and felt the familiar lump start to form in her throat. Her stomach hurt as her mind raced. She held her breath and tightly squeezed her eyes to keep the tears welling in her eyes from falling down her cheeks.

“Baby, we won’t tell mom about this, will we? This is our secret, isn’t it? Just like always.”

“I won’t tell mom, daddy. I won’t tell anyone.” Cheryl felt a tear trace its way down her cheek and fall to her neck as she silently wished she were someone else, somewhere else.

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“Cheryl, you made it.” Cheryl jumped, startled out of her thoughts by the voice of her aunt Sandy.

“Yes, I just got here a few minutes ago. How is he? Oh, hi Marlene.” Cheryl looked at Sandy, then at Marlene waiting for one of them to tell her how her father was.

“Hi Cheryl. He’s not good. Not good at all.” Marlene spoke first, her voice deep and rough from years of too many cigarettes and too much booze. Cheryl looked at her and saw the years had not been kind to her. Her face was deeply creased with lines and wrinkles. Her eyes, red from crying, had dark circles under them from lack of sleep and worry over the man she shared her life with.

“I’m so sorry, Marlene, this must be so hard for you. How are you doing?” Cheryl looked at Marlene with genuine concern, wishing she knew how to ease her pain and worry.

“I’m a tough ol’ bird, Cheryl. I’ll be okay, it’s just hard to be home without your dad there, you know? Sandy is helping me with figuring out how we’re going to get him home when it’s time. Thanks for coming, I know you’re busy.” Marlene reached for a tissue as she looked at Cheryl, her eyes filling with tears.

“I had to come, Marlene. He’s my dad.” Cheryl turned to Sandy, “How is he doing, what have the doctors said?”

“Like I told you on the phone, he had a stroke during his surgery. His left side is paralyzed right now and he lost his speech. They’ve been trying to get him to sit up but it looks like he’s in too much pain. They’ll try again later today.” Sandy walked over to his bed while she spoke, putting her hand on his head, she gently stroked his hair.

“What about the cancer? You said it spread, what are they going to do now?” Cheryl spoke quietly, wishing Sandy would leave her dad sleep. She wasn’t sure she was ready for his eyes to be open yet, for him to see her standing there.

“They haven’t decided on a course of treatment yet. Yes, it spread. They won’t be able to do much of anything for him now, it’s a matter of time. I’ll know more later, the doctor was going to speak to oncology about what the options are for Ernie.” Still stroking his hair, Sandy looked over at Marlene, then to Cheryl.

Cheryl watched Sandy gently stroke his hair and adjust his blankets around his chest. “Ernie, Ernie, wake up. C’mon, Cheryl is here to see you.” She spoke to him softly, trying to rouse him from his slumber. Cheryl saw his eyes flutter and caught a glimpse of the brown eyes she’d inherited from him. “There you go. See. There she is, there’s Cheryl. She drove down to visit you.” Sandy looked over at Cheryl.

“Hi dad. Sandy’s been telling me how you’re doing.” Cheryl felt uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say. His eyes opened and he looked at her. She wanted to go and hug him, tell him she loved him. She wanted to take his hand and tell him not to worry, everything would be fine. She wanted to sit with him, comfort him, and ease his pain. She didn’t do anything she wanted to do. All she could do was stand there and look in his eyes and wonder. Wonder how he felt, what he thought about, and if he was afraid.

“I gotta go and have a smoke.” Marlene got up and grabbed her purse. Cheryl knew she was still a heavy smoker and was probably worried about how to smoke once her dad was able to go home.

“I’ll walk out with you Marlene. It’ll give Cheryl a chance to spend some time with Ernie while we’re gone.” Sandy leaned over and gave him a kiss on the forehead. “We’ll be back in a little bit, Ernie. Enjoy your visit with Cheryl.”

Alone with her dad once again, Cheryl moved over to the side of the bed and sat down. “Hi dad.” She looked in his eyes and again wondered what he was thinking, what he was feeling. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here yesterday. I should’ve been. You must be scared to death.” Cheryl reached for his hand and held it softly. “I got here as soon as I could this morning. I’ll try to be here as much as I can, dad. I wish I knew what to do for you.” Cheryl felt the tears welling in her eyes and didn’t stop them. Sitting there, holding his hand, Cheryl prayed for strength, for the right words to say.

“Do you want me to let the other kids know what’s going on?” She looked at him, hoping she could see the answer in his eyes. “I tell you what, squeeze my hand a little if you want me to tell them. Okay? I’ll call them tonight. Do you want me to...no, never mind. Just squeeze a little if you want me to call them, dad.” She felt a slight squeeze on her hand and looked down at the old hand holding hers. She remembered those hands from a different time and a different place. Forcing herself to stay focused in the present, she looked at him and smiled. “Okay, I’ll call them. I can’t make any promises about whether they’ll be here, but I can promise to let them know what’s going on, okay?” She knew he couldn’t answer but thought she saw his eyes light up with a smile. “You can rest if you like, dad, you don’t have to stay awake. I’ll be here for the day, not to worry.” Cheryl smiled as his eyes closed and held his hand as he slipped off to sleep.

Getting up, she thought it was time to call Sam and give him an update on her dad. She didn’t think Sam was worried about her dad but hoped he was concerned about her and how she was doing. Going down to the lobby, she found a pay phone and dialed Sam’s cell phone number.

“Hello.” Sam answered loudly and Cheryl could tell he was in his truck.

“Hi, honey. Are you busy? Can you take a minute or two to talk?” Cheryl asked, hoping he wouldn’t be too busy to talk to her.

“I’m just pulling over to have a sandwich. How was your drive?” Sam sounded in a good mood and Cheryl was glad. The last thing she needed was to argue with her husband.

“The drive was long but it went well. I didn’t think about the rush hour traffic, I should’ve left a half an hour sooner or later. I got here in pretty good time though.”

“Good. You found the hospital okay then too. I was a little concerned you’d get lost.” Sam was eating while he talked, Cheryl could hear him crunching on chips.

“Oh yeah, the hosiptal gave me really good directions. How’s your day going?”

“Oh, you know. I’m working my ass off here. I’m moving the crew after lunch here, and then I’m off to move another crew. By the way, what did work say about you not meeting with any of your clients today? Did you take a sick day or what? You know we can’t afford for you to miss too much time.”

Cheryl knew it wouldn’t be too long before he asked that question. “I talked to the office and they know what’s going on. I have some sick days coming and some vacation time if I want to take it. I’m sure it’ll be a couple of days before I get back to my clients. It’s no problem.”

“Cheryl, you have an obligation to your clients. You can’t just take off on a whim, they need you too.”

“Sam, please, don’t worry about my job, I’ll do that. None of my clients are in crisis right now and it’s just a couple of days. Tomorrow is Friday and I’ll have all weekend. I got it covered.” Cheryl wished she would have kept the weekend part to herself but it was too late.

“I’m not spending my weekend at the hospital with a man I don’t even like. I don’t like the idea of you being gone all weekend either. It’s the only time I see you.”

“I didn’t ask you to come. I have to be here, at least part of the weekend. Whether you chose to come is up to you. I guess I can come Saturday morning, leave in the afternoon and come back down Sunday afternoon. That way we’d have Saturday night and Sunday morning together. Would that be okay?” Cheryl felt like she was being tugged in two directions and didn’t have a choice of either one.

“I suppose, if that’s what you gotta do. I have to do some work on the truck anyway, so I suppose it’ll work. So, how’s your dad doing? Is it as bad as your aunt made it sound?”

“He was awake for a little bit while I was there. He looks so tired, so old. It’s tough to see him like that. From what Sandy said, it’s not good. I don’t know what the doctors are planning to do yet, I’m sure I’ll find out this afternoon.” Cheryl knew he didn’t care about her dad but felt he had to ask, so she kept most of the details to herself.

“Well, take care of yourself, I know this isn’t easy for you.” Cheryl was surprised at the tenderness in his voice.

“Thanks honey, it isn’t easy. I’m doing okay though, you know me, I’m tough.”

“Yeah, you are. I gotta go now hon. I have to eat and get moving here. Call me later on, don’t forget, I’m staying in the motor home tonight, okay?”

“Okay, talk to you later then. Be careful. Bye.” Cheryl hung up the phone and went outside for a cigarette. She stood against the building while she smoked and thought about what she’d tell her brothers and sister when she called them tonight. “Not a chore I’m looking forward to at all. They won’t care, they won’t come, and they’ll think I’m nuts,” Cheryl thought. “Oh well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.” Throwing her cigarette in the ashtray, she went back in to go to sit with her dad.

When she got back to the room, Sandy and Marlene were there talking. “We’re going to go get some things at Marlene's and grab some lunch afterwards, want to come with?” Sandy asked.

“No, I think I’ll just sit here with dad, I’ll have to head back home in a couple of hours, so I’d rather just be here. Thanks though, I appreciate the invitation.” Cheryl smiled at her.

“No problem, I don’t blame you. When are you coming back down?” Sandy walked over to the bed while she talked.

“I’ll be back tomorrow. I’ll probably be here part of the day Saturday and Sunday as well if that’s okay with you.”

“Great, I think it’s good for your dad to have you here. Okay, you enjoy your visit with him. If you’re gone before we get back, drive careful and we’ll see you tomorrow.” Sandy fussed with the blankets again and kissed his forehead. “We’re going to lunch now, Ernie, we’ll be back soon.” He was sleeping and Cheryl doubted whether he heard her talking.

“Cheryl, thanks for coming down. It’s good to see you and I know your dad is glad to see you. I can see it in his eyes. He talks about you all the time.” Marlene looked at Cheryl, smiling while she tried to fight the tears back.

“No problem, Marlene. He’s my dad, how could I not be here? You’ll be here tomorrow too, won’t you?”

“Oh yeah, I don’t know what to do with myself at home. It’s pretty empty around there without Ernie. Keeps me out of the bars too, I’m still sober too. Ernie and I have been sober together for over a year now.”

“That’s wonderful, Marlene. Really, it is. I know how difficult it is to not drink when the shit hits the fan so to speak. I’m proud of both of you, it’s quite an accomplishment.” Walking over to Marlene, Cheryl hugged her. “One day at a time, remember that.”

“I know, I know. It’s hard though, especially now, but I’ll do it, for him.” Marlene’s eyes filled with tears again and Cheryl handed her a tissue.

“You can do it, I know you can. Go on, eat some lunch, and take some time. I’ll sit with dad for awhile and give you two a break.” Cheryl smiled at them both. Walking over to Sandy, Cheryl hugged her and said. “Thanks for calling me yesterday. I really do appreciate it.”

“I know your dad wanted you to know how it went. He does talk about you a lot, I hope you know that.” Sandy smiled.

“I didn’t know but it’s nice to hear. Thanks.” Cheryl wasn’t sure how to react to knowing her dad spoke of her often and found herself wondering what he said. “Enough, go and eat. I’ll see you both later or tomorrow.” Cheryl wanted them to leave. She wanted to be alone with her dad for awhile and think. She needed to gather her thoughts.

After they left, Cheryl pulled the chair to the end of the bed so she could watch him while he slept. She looked at him and thought about his life, her life, how they both held the shame, the secret for so many years.

“What a shame,” she thought, “how the secret held so much power over both of us over the years.” Her dad didn’t know about her life after he left. He would never know either, she wouldn’t tell him. She thought he carried enough guilt and she knew the shame he felt regarding his actions were responsible for his not being able to remain sober or find whatever it was he searched for throughout his years. Although she had no idea what he’d gone through during the years when they didn’t talk or see each other, she knew he hadn’t been happy, he hadn’t found peace, and he hadn’t forgiven himself for what he’d done. He never told her those things, she just knew somehow.