TV Dinners & Fishbowls

(After Collin’s bachelor party, Graham sits in Collin’s apartment in a suit.  Beer bottles and plates are scattered around the floor.  Graham is only slightly tipsy; Collin is drunk and disheveled as he stumbles into the room, taps his fish tank that’s off to the left, and plops down next to Graham and slaps him a few times on the back.)

Graham
So you enjoyed yourself?

Collin
Yeah!  That was…like a par-tay!

Graham
It was a party.

Collin
Exactly!

(Graham chuckles, while Collin burst into laughter)

Collin
Why are you in a suit?

Graham
I always wear a suit.

Collin
But it’s a par-tay.  At least take your jacket off.

Graham
…No.

Collin
My par-tay…you have to do what the host says.

(Collin moves for Graham and tries to take off his jacket.)

Graham
(Annoyed, backs away) Would you just—

(Graham easily pushes him away.  Collin stumbles and then throws his hands in the air in defeat.  Colin slumps on the couch and takes a mental break.  Graham scowls and reaches underneath the back of his jacket.)

Collin
Coulda used a stripper…

Graham
(Drops hand from jacket) What for?

Collin
To bake us a pie—what do you think for?  It’s a bachelor par-tay!

Graham
Stop saying par-tay.

Collin
I’m just saying…it’s a tradition.

Graham
Yeah, well, no…my sister would kill you…

Collin
I can handle her.

Graham
No you can’t.

Collin
No I can’t. (Pause)  Do you think she’s ever shot anyone?

Graham
…Who?

Collin
Kara.

Graham
Why?

Collin
(Sits down in a chair next to his fish tank.  Watches the fish) I just mean—you know—because of the whole…That’s what your family does.

Graham
(Quietly and solemn)…oh, so you do know…
Collin
Know what??

Graham
(Quickly) Nothing. (Reaches into the back of his jacket again and pulls out a gun.)

Collin
Gah!

(Collin turns to Graham; Graham is startled and quickly hides the gun behind his back)

Collin
I’m just nervous! 

Graham
That Kara will shoot you…?

Collin
Noooo… (He chuckles then stops as if seriously thinking it over) No.  I just—what if I’m bad at it?

Graham
You probably will be.

Collin
(Sarcastically) No, Collin, it’ll be fine; you and Kara deserve each other… (Pause, Graham stops to look at him) You’re supposed to say that (pause) Come on, at least say we’re good together.

Graham
You’re not.

(A long pause while Graham stays serious, staring at Collin, while Collin looks around nervously; suddenly Graham laughs.)

Graham
I’m just kidding; you should have seen your face.

Collin
(Stifled laugh) Yeah…funny, you had me worried for a minute there…

Graham
(Turns his back to Collin and looks down at gun) No, you guys are actually...I don’t know…I wish I had that.


Collin
Wha...?

Graham
(Taking a deep breath) You’re good together.  You’re actually a decent guy.  But that doesn’t matter.

Collin
Because your dad hates me?

(Graham is silent.  Graham hesitantly points the gun at Collin’s head while Collin is looking at fish tank.  Collin notices something)

Collin
Awww, no!  Ernie is dead.

Graham
(Shocked, puts gun away) Someone killed Ernie!? …wait, who’s Ernie?

Collin
My fish!

Graham
(Relief, then annoyance) Oh…

Collin
Or maybe it’s Susan…I can’t tell which one is which.

(Collin sighs as he tries to scoop out the fish with his hand.)

Graham
Stop it…here… (He gets a soup bowl and helps Colin put the fish in the bowl)

Collin
(Stares down at fish) What would you do if you knew it was your last day?

Graham
Huh?  What’re you talking about?

Collin
What if you just knew that you’d keel over the next morning?…Like Tom.

Graham
(Panicked) ….I do not recall a Tom… 


Collin
No, my fish.  I think this one was Tom…

Graham
Oh, never mind, then…. (Pause.  Graham takes off jacket and holds the gun under his jacket) I guess I’d spend all day making a huge dinner and then sit in peace and quiet and eat all of it.

Collin
Eh?? Why don’t you just do that now?

Graham
(Shrugs) Too busy.  Family business.

Collin
(Nervous chuckle)

Graham
What about you?

Collin
Ha ha! …err, I mean I’d…I don’t know.  I guess I’d spend the day with Kara.  (A long pause; Collin looks up at Graham.) Where’d your jacket go?

Graham
I’m holding it.  Did you just say that stuff about my sister because I’m here.

Collin
What??

Graham
You know, trying to make yourself look better.

Collin
You sound like your dad.

Graham
I’m taking that as a compliment.  My dad’s a great man.

Collin
Yeah…a great threatening man.  No one can piss him off and live to tell about it.

Graham
Then don’t piss him off.


Collin
(Very quietly) too late…

Collin
Has your dad ever shot a friend?

Graham
Yes.

Colin
(Worried)…Hey, you ever shoot a friend?

Graham
No… (Quick pause) Not Yet

Collin
Graham, do you consider me a friend?

Graham
Yes, unfortunately…

Collin
And you think I’m good for your sister, right?

Graham
You could have been. (Pause) Hey Collin?

Collin
Yeah?

Graham
This is just business…sorry, but… (Graham brings out his gun.) It’s your last day.