Humpty Dumpty's Secret Identity

Humpty Dumpty’s Secret Identity

-OR-

DUMPTY DUDE!
The Fighter of Crime


Or it could quite possibly be called “The Egg Beater’s Secret Identity”

As told, of course, by Humpty Dumpty, but this whole thing was written down by Tim Kennedy

         It’s a bird! No, it’s a plane! Oh, wait a minute. It’s just a bird. Sorry guys.
         My name’s Humpty. Humpty Dumpty. And. yes, of course I’m the Humpty Dumpty who fell off that darn wall. And if it weren’t for that darn super-villain, I wouldn’t have - oh, wait a minute. I just remembered that none of you out there knows my true story (I’ve had a problem remembering things ever since I hit my head). Ahem. Anyway, let’s start out with the basics.
         For one, let me tell you that Humpty Dumpty is not my real name. My real name is Dumpty Dude, the fighter of crime! Sounds pretty cool, huh? Anyway, my job around the city Eggburg is to fight off any super-villains that happen to be causing trouble.
         But, like all super heroes, the bad guys can’t know about my secret identity, so that’s where the name Humpty Dumpty comes in. That’s my known name. I play the role of a fat egg who has nerdy glasses and has a job as a newspaper reporter. That’s my know identity.
         (Psst! Just make sure you don’t tell anybody about that. Super-villains have a lot of spies, you know).
         Okay, I think we’ve got all the most important basics down pretty good, right? Okay, then let’s move on to the actual story. Let’s start at my least favorite part, but perhaps the most well known: the fall off the wall.
         It was a beautiful spring day (May 23 to be exact). I was walking along the Perimeter Line, a large ten-foot brick wall surrounding Eggburg, designed to keep super villains out of the city. I was walking with Laura Bnzchzarchrman (don’t ask me how to pronounce it), a co-worker of mine. Laura was one of the only brown eggs in all of Eggburg (there being only one other), and I thought it a special privilege to work with her. I almost think of her as my own sidekick.
         We were on our way to investigate a crime scene in which the Egg Beater, the city’s worst super-villain yet, and Dean, her little sidekick, had successfully beat up five of the most expensive manors in town, and nearly killed Eggburg’s mayor. It was only a day after the attack, but Mayor Benedict Tempington was so furious with the Egg Beater, that he offered a $5000 reward to anyone who found her, dead or alive.
         Now, I bet you’re wondering, “Hmm, now why wasn’t Dumpty Dude there to save the day?” And before you get accusing, let me tell you that it was a total surprise because my Eggalert was broken, so (sniff) I didn’t get there in time.
         Anyway, both Laura and I wanted to get a good article in The Daily Post about the attack, as we couldn’t the day before because the police were still making sure that everything in the area was safe.
         The Perimeter Line was the quickest, but perhaps the most dangerous way, to where we were going. The reason it was so dangerous was because the wall is a whopping ten feet high! And all though this wall is two feet wide, it has no side railings. None. Zilch. Just open air.
         Now, Laura has this way of getting you to really pay attention to the conversation she’s having with you. Except that’s not a very good idea when walking the Perimeter Line.
         “Humpty, what on earth will we do about the Egg Beater’s attacks?” Laura asked, a worried look on here face.
         “I’ll bet you anything that Dumpty Dude will bring her down,” I said, hiding a small smile.
         “Yes, but what if the Egg Beater has a... a new weapon, or something!” Laura said, looking even more worried. “A weapon that Dumpty Dude can’t stop!”
         “Humph, I think Dumpty Dude can stop anything!” I said. “Why, he’s got the strength of a rock, and he can fly like a bird!”
         “I just hope that he’ll stand a chance against the-“
         “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” I cried, suddenly tripping and falling down. Falling all the way down, in fact, the side of the Perimeter Line!
         “Humpty!” Laura screamed, as I watched her get smaller and smaller as I fell farther and farther. I didn’t know for sure but I thought I saw Laura smile and then - SMACK!
         Okay, so now you the real story about how Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall. But how did he fall off? Hmm, I haven’t finished the story yet, have I? Where should we pick up again. Oh, yeah, when all Eggburg’s cops and all Eggburg’s medical personnel tried to put Humpty together again.
         My head hurt, but besides that everything was okay: nothing was broken (no surprise to me), and I was still alive. The main thing I did notice, though, were all the police officers, ambulances, doctors, and other medical personnel standing around me, obviously thinking that I was dead.
         “I’m all right,” I groaned, sitting up. Everyone around me looked dumbfounded.
         “You... you’re alive!” one of the police officers said, with a somewhat scared look on his face. “No one has survived a fall off the Perimeter Line! The last fall of ’82 was... well... scrambled eggs. We never could put Harry together again,” the officer added, bowing his head.
         Just then, a shiny new Lincoln Zephyr quickly parked next to the scene. Out came none other than Mayor Tempington, wearing an expensive looking suit.
         “I’m so sorry I’m late,” he said to an officer. “I have just received a phone call about the accident.” The mayor then looked towards me, and a shocked look came onto his face. “I say! Mr. Dumpty, you’re alive!”
         “I guess I’m all right,” trying to put a pained look on my face, although my head barely hurt. I finally stood up and dusted myself off.
         “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be off to investigate the other accident,” I said, starting to walk away.
         “Oh, no, no!” Mayor Tempington said, stopping me. “You shall take today off. Don’t worry, I’ll arrange everything with your boss. And, really, I need some information. First off, how on earth did you fall?”
         “I tripped over something,” I said, trying to remember clearly. “Although I honestly don’t know what.”
         “Was anyone with you?” a police asked, taking out a notepad. It was then that I finally remembered Laura.
         “Yes,” I said. “Laura Bnzchzarchrman, who’s my co-worker, and I were walking along the Perimeter Line, on our way to write up a story about the Egg Beater’s latest attack.” Everyone seemed to get worried again when I mentioned the Egg Beater.
         “Laura who?” the police officer asked, writing in his notepad.
         “Bnzchzarchrman,” I said.
         “And how do you spell that-?“
         “Never mind how you spell the blasted word!” Mayor Tempington said, stepping into the conversation. He turned towards me. “Mr. Dumpty, I shall take you home now, if you wish.”
         “You mean... that’s all you wanted to ask me?” I said, somewhat surprised. Tempington was a person who you couldn’t talk to for less than half an hour.
         “Yes, of course,” the Mayor said, smiling. “I believe we have just found out the identity of a very troublesome criminal.”
         “What?!” I said too loudly. “Laura is not a criminal! Trust me, I know her, and she would never do something like that to me!”
         “We shall discuss this another time,” Mayor Tempington said bluntly, turning toward his car. “Now, would you like to go home in my car, or by other means of transport?”
         “No, thank you,” I snapped, as anger started boiling up in me. “I think I’ll walk.” With that, I stomped away.
         Believe it or not, I didn’t really want to walk all the way home. But I was definitely not in any mood to talk to Mayor Tempington just then. Sometimes, he could be very stubborn, and at other times, he was as normal as anyone. And occasionally, he was in a very good mood. But (sigh) this wasn’t one of those occasions.
         Anyway, since me car was parked at the large sky rise in which was my office, I decided to walk there, since it was closer.
         When I got into my car, I realized that it was in the late afternoon. Hmm, I wondered. How long was I on the ground after I fell?
         I was just getting out of a long red light when I heard tires screeching and people shouting one or two blocks away.
         I really hoped there wasn’t any trouble in the city, because I was tired, but I could help but look down the street. A second later, I wished I hadn’t.
         There stood a 3-story egg beater, the Egg Beater, to be exact. And I could barely make out Dean (the Dean), her little side kick.
         Quicker than I had ever thought possible, I got out of my car, looking for the nearest phone booth (I mean, I had to change into my Dumpty Dude suit in a phone booth).
         When I finally spotted one across the street, I started running toward it. I don’t know how, but the super-tall super-villain just happened to notice me and, of course, started running towards me.
         A sinking sensation in my stomach, I changed direction and started running back towards my car.
         Okay, let me interrupt again and tell you that I was having the scariest encounter I had ever had in my life just then. Let me guess what all you readers are thinking: “Well, couldn’t you just bust the Egg Beater until she was nothing but twisted scrap metal?” Well, I would, except that there were a million cops and other people standing around, and I would clearly give away my secret identity, and would probably end up working with the FBI for the rest of my life.
         Oh, yeah, and let’s not forget that the Egg Beater is, like, right behind me, and if I didn’t give up my secret identity, I would end up as the person being busted.
         Okay, back to the story.
         Driving about 30 m.p.h. over the speed limit, I sped away from the Egg Beater, her following me at the same speed. I hoped to turn down some alley and quickly change into my super-hero suit, but the hard part was to do it without the Egg Beater noticing me.
         I finally found a side street, screeched into a turn, and sped up even more. Luckily, the Egg Beater didn’t notice me turn (or, at least, I didn’t think she did), so I quickly stopped in a shadowed area and got into my super-suit.
         I quickly shot out into the air like a speeding bullet, and spotted the Egg Beater easy enough, but she saw me first. But the one thing different was that this time, she looked so scared that people would probably run screaming.
         “Ha!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. “This is what you get for pursuing helpless civilians!” I rushed at her so fast, that I thought that anyone on the ground would just see me as an indistinctive streak (if this were a movie, now would be the time when the cool theme music would kick in)!
         Okay, okay, okay. I bet you’re thinking, “Man, this battle dialogue is so boring, I could fall asleep if I were part of the real thing. I mean, it’s not any different from other super-hero battles.” Well, so far it is like any other battle but just hold on, because the climax is the most exciting part of any super-hero story.
         Okay, sorry.
         All I wanted to do was to take the Egg Beater as far away from the populated areas of Eggburg as possible. So far, I was doing pretty good.
         After about an hour of busting and dodging each other, the Egg Beater and I finally got out of downtown Eggburg and down a side street with just some broken down apartments on either side.
         “You won’t beat me this time, Dumpty Dude!” the Egg Beater said, just as she dodged yet another one of my punches. “Or should I call you ‘Dopey Dude?’” she added with an evil smile.
         “Yeah, I think I really like the sound of that!” a voice from behind me said. I turned around to see none other than Dean (the Dean, who was the Egg Beater’s sidekick, if you don’t remember).
         Dean didn’t have any super-powers, but his schemes and agility almost made up for it. He was almost as tough as the Egg Beater herself.
         “Hey, Dopey! Take this!” Dean shouted, as he flung a piece of scrap metal at me. As I dodged the scrap, I noticed that it was my car. Shoot! I thought angrily. That was a pretty new Mustang!
         Okay, the mistake I made there was the one that is most fatal to super-heroes. There happens to be a rule for that mistake: never, EVER turn your back on a super-villain to fight her sidekick. Especially a sidekick that doesn’t have any super-powers.
         Well, I guess everybody makes mistakes sometimes. That was the first (and last) time I ever made that one.
         The Egg Beater took advantage of me turning my attention to Dean, and spun her beaters at full speed. Surprisingly, she didn’t head for me, but for the old apartments that surrounded us. Let me tell you, when a 30-foot egg beater crashes into a really weak building (with beaters at full speed, mind you), the results aren’t very pretty. The last thing I remembered was seeing millions of pieces of metal flying right at me.
         And, of course, I was knocked unconscious for the second time that day. When I regained consciousness, what I saw was very similar to what I saw after I fell off the Perimeter Line: police officers and medical personnel.
         “Dumpty Dude, you have been successful in defeating Eggburg’s worst super-villain,” Chief Garmale (the police chief) said. I stood up, dusted myself off, and shook his hand. I had gotten to know Chief Garmale in my investigations of super-villains. “And you just happened to also capture one of the city’s latest ‘Wanted.’”
         “Really? Who?” I asked, brightening. Chief Garmale pulled out a slip of paper.
         “Someone by the name of Miss Laura Bin-Binich... I don’t know how to pronounce this last name,” Garmale said, flushing. He handed the paper to me. I nearly jumped with surprise when I saw the name.
         “Laura Bnzchzarchrman!” I shouted.
         “Oh, so that’s how you pronounce it,” Garmale said.
         “Never mind about that!” I said angrily. “Where is she?”
         “Um, Deputy Darlson just left to take her to prison, where else?” Garmale said, chuckling. “I mean, she is wanted isn’t she? Didn’t Mayor Tempington send you a note? I’d think he would, because, after all, you are the-”
         “But why is she wanted?” I interrupted.
         “I think she pushed someone off the Perimeter Line.”
         “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go have a talk with Tempington,” I said, fuming. I didn’t really bother to say Mayor Tempington.
         Okay, to make a long story short, when I tried to talk the to mayor, he suddenly said that he wasn’t feeling very well and he had to get to bed. Speaking of bed, as soon as I walked out of Tempington’s office, I quickly drove back to my apartment and fell asleep in no time... only to wake up about three hours later to find my Eggalarm going off (an Eggalarm is just an egg-shaped alarm clock with a lot cooler name)!
         Before we continue the story, let me tell you that I have two apartments, my super-hero one, and my Humpty Dumpty one. I almost always sleep at my super-hero one, in case my Eggalarm goes off, as it just did. I usually spend my day at my Humpty Dumpty one, because that apartment has my computer and my checker board. As usual, this certain night I was in my super-hero one.
         “What the heck is going on?” I said drowsily, still half asleep and hoping this whole thing was a dream. Just then, my phone rang.
         “Who... who’s this?” I asked, yawning.
         “It’s Chief Garmale here, Dumpty Dude,” Chief Garmale’s voice said. “I sure hope that I didn’t wake you up too early.”
         “Naw, I’m awake,” I said, rolling my eyes. I checked my alarm clock and it said 3:30. “What’s going on?”
         “There’s been a jail break-out!” the chief said. “Only one prisoner escaped, but we think it’s the one you captured for us last night!” Garmale paused for a second to catch his breath. “And on top of that, the Egg Beater’s back!” Still trying to register everything that the police chief had said, I sleepily replied, “Sure, I’ll be on it in a minute.”
         “Good thing!” Garmale said, sounding a bit relieved. “Dumpty Dude, you’re always around when trouble strikes! Eggburg sure is lucky to have a super-hero like you!” Then he hung up.
         Okay, I think I’ll just skip the morning routine, and move right on to the part where I’m fully awake (thanks to three big mugs of coffee) and running as fast as I can out the apartment so I can get to the Egg Beater before she can do any more damage to the city or its civilians.
         Forget running! I thought frantically as I shot up at full speed into the air.
         “It’s a bird!” Ed, the apartment janitor, said.
         “No, it’s a plane!” Mayor Tempington said from the other side of the city.
         “HEY EVERYBODY!” Chief Garmale shouted. “IT’S DUMPTY DUDE, THE FIGHTER OF CRIME!!!!!” All the chief could do was look awestruck. “Boy, that’s one heck of a cool name!” he added breathlessly.
         I had already spotted the Egg Beater as soon as I was twenty feet off the ground, her being only a couple blocks down. The traffic was already backed way up, one or two cars had been flipped, and it looked like the Egg Beater was going to knock over a building or two. It definitely did not look good.
         Okay, I bet all you readers are thinking, “Well, humph. I bet Dumpty Dude will just put everything back together again, rescue Laura What’s-Her-Face, and it’ll be a big happy ending.” Ding ding ding ding ding! You’re absolutely right! Well... sort of.
         I rushed into the scene of chaos (as usual) and ran right into the Egg Beater, throwing her way up into the air, and over the Eggburg Bank (which, let me tell you, is the tallest building in Eggburg, so when I threw her all the way over, it was pretty cool)! I sent her into flight, but I had also sent her heading to what was sure to be a crash landing. I bet you can imagine what happened next.
         It sounded like tons of dynamite exploding all at once when the super-villain crashed onto the ground. Dust flew everywhere, and the surrounding streets were nothing but scattered blocks of concrete.
         Then everything was quiet. Too quiet. But not for long.
         An explosion of applause erupted from the whole city while everybody, either old or young, was jumping up and down. It looked almost like a swarm of bees, except for the point that if they were bees, I would probably still be in the hospital to this very day.
         Anyway, almost as soon as the applause started, it died down, and instead of jumping up and down, everybody was running away. Instead of clapping, everybody was gasping and pointing in one direction: The place where the Egg Beater had landed.
         Up until this time, the dust was so thick that I couldn’t even see where the ultra-super-evil-good-for-nothing-but-trouble-scheming-almost-unbeatable-villain had landed. But now the dust had cleared and the sight of the wreckage was absolutely clear, and standing right in the middle of it was Laura Bnzchzarchrman.
         “No way,” I breathed, feeling anger bubbling up. “This probably means that you’re-“
         “Yes way!” she sneered. “The super-villain you’ve been trying to catch for what? Months? Years?”
         “Hey!” Chief Garmale shouted, stepping up. “You can’t be the Egg Beater because the Egg Beater is, well, an egg beater! Plus, I happen to know that you’re the city’s latest criminal, Laura I-Can’t-Pronounce-Your-Last-Name! Hey!” the police chief shouted again. “I just remembered something else! You were the one who broke out of jail last night! So you know what this means? You’re now being charged for two crimes: pushing some egg off the Perimeter Line, and jail break-out!” Garmale finally stopped, looking very pleased with himself. Many of the on-lookers started nodding their heads.
         “Speaking of the Perimeter Line, Dumpty,” the Egg Beater said, completely ignoring Chief Garmale. “Did you ever wonder how you tripped in the first place?”
         “No way!”
         “Yes way! I was the one who stuck my foot out and tripped you! And did you ever wonder why I was one of the only brown eggs in the city?”
         “No way!”
         “Yes way!” the Egg Beater continued. “I’m a super-villain, that’s why I’m brown. And did you ever know the name of the only other brown egg in the city? Dean. The Dean.” Just then, the Dean rode up on a motorcycle that said “The Dean” on the side.
         “Hey, Dopey Dude!” he said, giving a scary grin that the Dean always did.
         “Good, you finally arrived,” the Egg Beater said. “Now, I’m getting way too tired of all this talk. Eggburg, say good-bye to your favorite super-hero!”
         “Hey!” Chief Garmale shouted. “How do you, a normal egg, expect to beat Dumpty Dude, the fighter of crime? And like I said before,” he continued. “You’ve got to be an egg beater to be the Egg Beater, because the Egg Beater is an egg beater! Don’t make me laugh! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!”
         “So you’re saying that I’m just a normal egg and not the Egg Beater?” the Egg Beater asked, finally turning her attention to the police chief.
         “Yup,” Garmale said.
         “Well, too bad,” she said, as the ground began to rumble. “Because you’re wrong about both!” The ground shook even harder, and many eggs fell down and tried to brace themselves as something terrible (and amazing none-the-less) happened: The so called “Egg Beater” suddenly unfolded into a shape that looked absolutely like an egg beater, the Egg Beater!
         “No way!” I breathed.
         “Yes way!” Chief Garmale, who was standing close by, shouted. “She’s the Egg Beater! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” But, surprisingly, the villain didn’t go after any of the people: she headed straight for the bank!
         “NOOOOO!!!!!” I shouted, while I turned into a blur as I flew at top speed toward the soon-to-be disaster.
         STOP!
         Let’s just pause for a second while I tell you something. There was only one bank in Eggburg (the one that the super-villain was about to attack), so everybody’s money was in that one bank. So basically everybody in the city would be broke if the Egg Beater succeeded in her evil scheme of crashing into the bank and stealing all the money. I’m just telling you this to build up the suspense. Pretty suspenseful, huh? Anyway, back to the book.
         I got there just one second before... um... I mean... after the Egg Beater crashed into the tall building (Okay, I know that you’re thinking, “Well, shoot! This isn’t the way these super-hero stories are supposed to finish!” Well, you’re probably right, but it’s not the end yet, is it?)!
         All the weather reporters would say about this would be, “Hmm, today it looks like it’ll be partly cloudy with a 90% chance of money showers.” And that’s really what it looked like: it was raining money, and it was all being sucked up by some vacuum gadget that the Egg Beater had suddenly pulled out.
         Everybody stopped running. Everybody stopped screaming and shouting. Everybody was absolutely silent, so that the only sound in the city was the vacuum taking in all the millions of dollars.
         Okay, here’s the part of the story that’s just like any other super-hero story: the super-hero (a.k.a. me) beats the super-villain.
         “That’s crime you just did was the last crime you’ll ever commit, Egg Beater,” I said loudly.
         “Well, do you have a super-duper-vacuum-power-gadget-thingy-ma-jig?” the villain said. “Because I do! I got it at Super Villains Plus, the super-villain convenience store! That’s what I used to get all Eggburg’s money, and guess what else? I also got...” Yah de yah de yah de yah. Boy, she just kept on going on and on about Super Villains Plus, and eventually the subject somehow changed to which brand of super-armor was the best.
         If you don’t remember, earlier in the story I mentioned a mistake that a super-hero should never, ever make. You know, the one about never turning your back on a super-villain and all that? Well, it just so happens that this rule applies to super-villains, too.
         The Egg Beater had gotten so wrapped up in her own conversation, that she wasn’t really paying any attention to me any more. So I just carefully walked up to the super-villain, jumped quietly into the air, and flew a couple blocks down from her.
         “Uh, boss?” the Dean said, looking in the direction I had flown away. “I think that super-egg is up to something.”
         “Be quiet! I was just getting to the part about that pie-eating contest that I won!” the Egg Beater said, ignoring him. “Anyway, I think it was strawberry-rhubarb with powdered sugar and-”
         “Boss! That guy’s really up to something!” Dean said, watching as I got ready to make flight in the direction of the Egg Beater.
         “I said be quiet and listen to the conversation like a good sidekick!” the villain said angrily. “Anyway, the gorilla suit was way too small and-”
         “BOSS! YOU’VE GOT TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” Dean shouted, as I started flying and top speed towards the super-villain. This time the Egg Beater did turn. But it was too late. Right as she faced me, I rammed the villain right in the stomach, and she fell flat on her back, not moving at all (Whew! This is one drawn out ending!).
         I waited five minutes, Ten minutes, Fifteen minutes waiting to see if the villain would move. But she didn’t.
         Well, that’s just about my whole story. The Dean went to prison (of course), I spent most of the remainder of my life fighting off criminals (none of them as bad as the Egg Beater, though), Mayor Tempington rewarded me with the $5000, but the rest of Eggburg stayed pretty much the same.
         And to this day, my real identity is still, and forever more will be, Dumpty Dude, the fighter of crime!

THE END