My Scarlet Love Letter

Professor,

You have been my teacher now for just one term, although I had you for both of my first two classes on Tuesdays and Thursday. I am an adult student, but I am now having some of the feelings for you that I remember having for my third grade teacher. That is to say, I have a crush on you. I still remember the day you spoke about the Venus effect--when a student's learning is impeded by his or her attraction to the teacher--and referred to a scene from the movie, “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” in which the female student had somehow printed, “I love you,” across her eyelids and then slowly closed them for her professor, Harrison Ford, to read, and how you made the comment that no student has ever acted that way towards you. Of course, I could never let you know how I feel in that, or any other, way. For one reason, I know it is a crush; it will eventually pass, and it is no reason to disturb either of our already established and happy relationships. And secondly, it might put you in more jeopardy than it would put me, because, being a professor, you are bound by strict rules against (even the appearance of) having an intimate relationship with one of your students, and if I were to openly express these feelings, our exchange might somehow give that appearance.

So telling you this is really out of the question. I’ve even thought about letting you know somehow (perhaps subtly or just briefly) on my last day of attendance at Pacific University, before I leave for grad school, but I still haven’t decided if I should do so, even then. In the meantime, I feel I need to at least write my feelings down, so that I can just ease these stubbornly persistent thoughts a bit.

Your husband is a young, good-looking guy who seems rather sweet. You both make a good pair. He seems to really appreciate your many good qualities (and maybe even your not-so-good ones!) and so, no doubt, you have made a good choice for a husband. I would never want to place any stress on that relationship—not to mention my own marriage—simply because of my superficial feelings. I hope that expressing my feelings on my laptop in this way is enough to prevent from creating such unnecessary stress and to allow me to move on, despite the persistence of those feelings.

The first thing that caused me to start liking you, even before I ever even met you, was the knowledge of the fact that you are interested in much the same areas of psychology that I am, namely, the neuroscience side of psychology. It may have been my advisor in the Admissions office building who first told me about you. Then I met you in your office with my wife, and you seemed very confident and intelligent. Then, of course, as I began to attend your classes, I saw that my perceptions of you were correct. Your combination of intelligence, confidence, and frankness about things relating to sex and just life in general, both in and outside the classroom, I find to be a real turn-on. And that brings to mind another reason I wouldn’t want to admit my feelings to you: because you might censor what you decide to share with me outside of class, and I don’t want to lose the chance to talk to you about interesting subjects like those we’ve talked about on the walk up to your office, however brief.

And then there is the matter of your physical attributes. I haven’t really figured out what all you possess that appeals to me, although I’ve no doubt that just the sound of your voice is a sexual stimulant for me. (I feel almost as if I should apologize for that!) I have always had a strong preference for higher-pitched voices (although I didn’t realize it until I was already well into my adult years), and your own voice is quite close to what I would choose in my fantasy lover, although, whether you choose to believe me or not, I do my damnedest not to let myself fantasize about you explicitly; that would, no doubt, be quite an interfering distraction for me, in class and in my life outside of class, especially when I’m with my wife! Perhaps your next greatest appeal is your long, intensely colorful blonde hair. Perhaps it is those eyes of yours, those intensely curious, brilliantly blue eyes that share something in common with other brilliantly colorful eyes: they make you want to just stare back when they are aimed in your direction. Perhaps it is your pert little nose and your perfectly straight and brilliantly white teeth. Perhaps it is your body, small but not too small, just fit and natural. Maybe it is even your unique choice of outfits, some of which can transport you from a somewhat attractive yet bookish professor to quite hot, as you appeared at the charity event in your black skirt and nylons! Whatever your physical attributes that appeal to me, I just have to admit that, as a whole package, you can be quite sexy. I suppose that this disproves the Venus effect, at least in my case. Because my attraction to you has only seemed to help me to stay focused on your words in class and to encourage me to learn better, if only just to try to subtly impress you.

As much as I’ve done my best to avoid fantasizing about you, I can’t help but constantly wonder: Does she feel any sort of a similar attraction to me? And, although I suppose it shouldn’t matter, just like the feelings of a recognizable crush shouldn’t matter, it does, because it keeps popping into my head. Before I’m about to see you in your office or elsewhere, I wonder, Do I look okay? …or, during our short talks, Does she like the way I smell? The way I smile? Does she ever watch me when I walk away? We both know that the mind can be a powerful thing. It’s just been a long time for me since I’ve felt I have to fight the thoughts and feelings that keep welling up from one part (i.e., my crush for you) because of the thoughts and feelings that are firmly established in the other (i.e., the knowledge that it is best just to keep this crush to myself).

So for now, I must leave it all right here. In a love letter, written for no one else but myself. Because even harmless feelings and thoughts can lead to devastating results if they are admitted aloud. But while inside, they can do little more than irritate, and tantalize.

Respectfully yours,
An Admiring Student