Haunting Memories

Haunting Memories


A single tear escaped from the corner of my eye and fell to the floor. I held my breath as I watched the doctor come into the waiting room. He stood in front of everyone, looking around at the faces of worried family members and friends. I knew he was searching for me. He leaned over to ask the nurse at the front desk where I was and she pointed in my direction. I found myself looking at the floor. When he came to me, my tears were falling freely from my cheeks, splashing down on my worn-out jeans. He kneeled in front of me, grabbing my hand. I could not help but gaze into his blue eyes.

“He isn’t going to make it,” the doctor whispered. I knew this, of course. His condition had been so bad, but I couldn’t stop the tears that now fell so rapidly.

“Can I see him?”

He nodded and I stood up.

"Do you want me to go with you?" my mother asked, holding my hand like she had been through it all. I shook my head and kissed her cheek. She let me go. I followed the doctor out of the lobby, and before I knew it, I was in front of his room.

“I can’t do this,” I told the doctor, “I can’t. Why does he have to leave me? Why?” I felt the wall behind me and slid to the ground, crying into my hands as memories flooded back into my mind.

Minutes later my sobs were slowing down again, but my breathing was still coming in sharp gasps. I felt the shadow of the doctor tower over me. “Please,” I begged between sobs, “Tell me there is a small chance he’ll make it. Just a small chance.”

The doctor sighed. “You know, it's times like these when I wonder why I work here. I’d like to tell you that his life isn’t going to end but it is. If you would like to see him before his time is up, I think now is the best time. We don't expect him to last more than a mere few hours or, if he's lucky, a day.”

I looked up, my sight blurry from all the tears. “Why does he have to go? Why can’t it be me? It’s my fault! My fault!”

The doctor smiled sadly. “I understand this is hard for you, but you're losing time. By sitting here, you’ll regret it more when the time comes. Trust me, I know from experience. If you don’t get in there right now, you will forever blame yourself until the day you die. I still blame myself for not going after my wife... “

I wiped my tears with my hands. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Not as sorry as I am. “

I got up from the floor and smiled through my tears at the doctor. “Thank you,” I whispered. He nodded and walked me to the door, where my fingers lightly brushed the doorknob. I took a deep breath, took a hold of the cold brass, and turned. The door opened slowly revealing his limp figure. I stood still. I could not move another inch. My lip was bleeding from biting it so hard to stop myself from crying.

I jumped when the doctor touched my shoulder and whispered softly, “He doesn’t bite, go talk to him.”

I went toward Jason’s figure and sat down in the chair at the bedside. My hand quickly found his and I squeezed it. I jumped slightly when he squeezed back. “He slips in and out of consciousness,” the doctor explained. “You should talk to him. He knows you're here. If there is anything you need, ask one of the nurses.” I did not take notice of him leaving.

I looked at Jason, who was sleeping, his blonde long hair was spilling over his eyes as they always did. I brushed them away and my fingers started to play with the loose strands. I did not know I was holding my breath and when I exhaled I was overwhelmed with tears.

“Jason,” I cried, “Please don’t leave me.” I brought his hand to my mouth and kissed it. His fingers twitched, but that was all. His eyes were closed; his hand was still. I wanted to crawl into bed with him and have him hold me and comfort me as he always did-but he could not--would not--forever more.

Someone knocked on the door. “Come in,” I said,my voice not at all my own. It was hoarse, dry, and pathetic. I was not able to hide my tears.

The nurse who had walked in was startled at my appearance. "Oh, honey," she whispered, coming to my side, "is there anything I can get you? Perhaps your mother-"

"No, I'll be fine," I grabbed a tissue out of the tissue box, dabbing at my eyes and mustered a smile in her direction. She looked unsure and patted my arm just the same.

"Yes, well, if you're sure." She crossed to the other side of the bed, reaching for Jason other arm. "This is just to help the pain. He won't feel a thing. It will make things easier for him as he goes." As she injected the needle into his arm, she stole a glance at me. "Are you by any chance 'Maddy'?"


I nodded, surprised. “Yes?”


She handed me a folded piece of paper. I observed it carefully and found my name in Jason’s handwriting. “We found this in his back pocket. Don’t worry, I didn’t read it. Just thought I would deliver it for him.” With that she walked out of the room. I quickly opened the letter.

Maddy,

There are only a few minutes before my dad comes, so I have to make this short. I’m not sure, but I’ve got the worst feeling... The looks he gives me, I know it’s the final straw. It'll be worse than the last beating.

I want you to know that none of this is your fault. If you weren’t here, I probably would have given up on living a long time ago. Maddy, I love you. God only knows how much. You’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. What ever you do, don’t blame yourself for what happens. It’s not your fault. I love you Madison Crane.

Jason

A tear trickled slowly down my cheek as I smiled. I leaned over and kissed his forehead. I read the note over and over again until my head slumped forward and I drifted off to sleep.

I heard the door open slowly and the light from outside filled the room. I heard a woman’s high-heeled shoes as she walked over to the side of the bed and then the screeching noise of a chair being pulled closer to the hospital bed.

“Hey Jason, “ a familiar voice said. The voice was low and shook while she spoke. I could tell she was crying. It was Hallie, Jason's ex-girlfriend. To say the least, we didn’t get along at all. We were constantly fighting over Jason. She’d want to go on a date and I’d want to hang out with him. She had made it complicated, more complicated than it should have been.

“I know you can’t hear me, but I really need to talk to you. God, there are so many things I want to say. I love you." she paused and then chuckled slightly, "I don't think I can ever stop.” There was a pause in which she sniffed, but then continued, “Jason, I really hope you feel better. We need you.” In the silence of the room, I could hear her muffled sobs. For some reason I wanted to go and hug her, tell her that I knew how she felt. But I didn’t. Minutes later I could hear her give Jason a kiss before leaving the room.

Before I knew it, another person had walked into the room. This time the footsteps were lighter and less noisy. But the tears the person was shedding were loud enough to wake the whole hospital.

“Jason,” Alexis sobbed. Alexis had been my best friend since moving here in third grade. Ever since then, Jason, Alexis and I had been best friends. This time I couldn’t take it. I sat up and walked towards Alexis.

“Maddy, I don’t know what I should do... I feel so helpless.”

I grabbed a tissue on the side table and gave it to her, “I know how you feel, Alexis.” I said.

Alexis looked up at me. “What are we going to do without him?” she asked me. I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to. “I'm sorry. It's just-so many things are going through my head right now.”

I nodded, understanding every word she was saying. I wanted someone to talk to. Someone who could understand me. Someone like Jason. But Jason wasn't going to be here anymore and within a few hours my best friend would be gone. I looked longingly at Jason and cried. Without hesitating, I climbed onto the bed and lay beside him. My fingers touched his hair and his face. I was just... loving him. We lay like that all through the night. I didn’t even know that Alexis had left. Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep again.

What felt like hours later, I woke up.

There was a loud beeping sound, only playing one note. I started to pant heavily and looked down at Jason, who wasn’t breathing.

“Nurse!” I screamed, “Nurse!”

Seconds later doctors had rushed into the room and I was asked to leave.

“No!” I cried, “I have to stay with him. He needs me!”

         The doctor who had taken me into the room earlier sat me down in the waiting room. “You’ll have to wait here. I know this is hard for you, but you’ll have to wait.” And then he quickly vanished behind the doors. Minutes passed and still nothing.

“I’ve always hated hospitals,” a voice said from behind me.

“Mom? What are you doing here?”

She was sitting in one of those uncomfortable chairs. “I was waiting for you. Maddy, don’t you wanna go home and catch up on some sleep?” she asked with the familar face of concern.

“No, Mom I’m waiting.” I didn’t care what other people thought. If someone they loved were dying, they would want to stay as well. Mom sat down next to me.

“You know, he’s really lucky he found you. You're a good friend.” She kissed my forehead.

“Mom,” I whispered, “Do you think he’s going to die?”


While Mom was in the bathroom, my friend Dan came through the door with a Get Well Card and McDonalds. “I thought you had enough of this crazy hospital food and brought you some junk food.” He winked at me and I laughed. “Wow,” he said in mock surprise, “She can laugh! She can actually smile!” I giggled as he went up to a nurse at the front desk and said, “Did you know that girl over there can actually laugh?” The nurse only rolled her eyes and went back to the clipboard she was holding which made me laugh even more, seeing as how it made Dan look like a dork.

“Oh, shut up Dan.” I said, the smile still on my face.

“What are you two laughing about?” my mom asked, returning from the bathroom.

I laughed. “Dan, ” I replied.


Minutes later the doctor who had sent me to Jason’s room returned. He took off his green head covering he was wearing and looked down. Goose bumps slowly made their way up my arm and a chill ran down my back. I shivered.

“His heart couldn’t take it. There was nothing we could do.” He looked at me, “I’m sorry.”

I was numb with feeling. My mom hugged me tightly as she cried on my shoulder and Dan looked as though he saw a ghost. I only patted Mom’s back, still not having it hit me. I pulled away from Mom and got up, “ I- I’m going to go c-call Alexis or something,“ I said and turned away before she or Dan could say anything. I pushed the button on the elevator ten times-gave up and ran down the stairs. I needed to run. On the way downstairs I was skipping steps. I pushed the hospital doors open and started running. I knew where I was going- my heart was leading the way.

I fell on all fours when I arrived at my destination, on the beach where Jason and I had met and spent most of our time together. I grabbed a handful of sand and squeezed it, hoping that it would relieve all of my stress. It didn’t. My legs gave way and my face was in the sand. That’s when it all came down. I couldn’t breathe. My chest was heaving. My heart was aching. I had never felt so lonely. I didn’t bother fighting back the tears. Holding them back would only make it worse. Still not letting go of the sand, I cried. Jason. My best friend. The best friend I ever had, was gone.

“God,” I prayed, “Why Jason? What did he do? He didn’t do anything wrong!”

I didn’t know how long I lay there crying my heart out and repeating my questions to God. The next thing I knew, someone had lifted me from the ground and held me close to their chest. I never knew someone could hold onto someone so tight. “Dan,” I sobbed, “I don’t want to bury my best friend.” We spent the rest of the night with Dan sobbing on my shoulder as I cried on his.

~
This was the final goodbye. I stood last in line, waiting for all of the kids from school to say goodbye. Girls I didn’t know were crying in groups, passing tissues to one another. I stopped suddenly, finding one girl in particular sitting down on one of the benches at the back of the church. I hesitated for only a moment, and then walked towards her.

“Hello, Hallie,” I said smiling sadly as I sat down.

“Hello,” she murmured looking down at her feet. There was a comfortable silence between us, neither of us really wanted to say anything... but then...

"Jason didn't deserve this," she said quietly, "He didn't deserve how his parents treated him. He was a good person."

I didn't say anything. My blood boiled at the mention of his parents.

“I- I know I haven’t been nice to you Madison,” she said, “But I guess I was just, jealous... of your relationship with Jason.” Taken back and not knowing what to say, I only nodded. “Well,” Hallie said, finally raising her head. I noticed her tear-streaked face. “I’m going to go say goodbye.”

         “Okay,” I whispered and flashed her, for the first time I can remember, a friendly smile. She smiled back sadly and walked towards the casket. We weren’t alike in a lot of ways, Hallie Raven and I, but we both loved the boy who was lying in that casket.
I looked up and saw that I was the only one left besides Hallie. Minutes later, she ran out of the church crying.

         Slowly I walked up to the casket and dragged my fingers lightly across it. I placed a rose that I had picked from Mom’s garden on top of it. The casket had not been closed, and I looked at his handsome face. Out of habit, my fingers found his hair. He was gorgeous. I put my hand on his once warm one and quickly drew it back when I noticed it was cold. My eyes wondered down to his neck where I found his necklace, a symbol of our friendship since we were in elementary school. Unconsciously, I grabbed my own. “Goodbye Jason,” I said, looking at him with my eyes full of tears for the last time, “I love you.” I blew him a kiss, and then, even though my heart was begging me to stay, I walked away.