LAUGHTER

This was written for a gathering where I was asked to write a poem.

LAUGHTER

I have often watched amazed as people pass me by,
There are so many different types, I often wonder why.
Why some are serious, some are flip and others never smile
Why some won’t move an inch to help and others go a mile.

There are so many types of folks, they’re hard to classify,
The ones who crave to start a fight, the ones who toil to pacify.
The optimists and pessimists and those who just don’t care
The ones who whine so constantly they’re impossible to bear.

I guess it takes all kinds of folks to make the world go ‘round,
But there are a few disgruntled folks I’ve wished I’d never found.
But I don’t ever want to dwell on dreary folks like that,
I chase them off with no more thought than flicking off a gnat.

So if I had to pick and choose a friend on my behalf,
I’d pick the person, who I knew, could always make me laugh.
When times are sad and things are bad, a laugh can ease the pain
Unknot a stomach, remove some stress, invigorate the brain.

Think about the late night shows, a monolog, then famous guests,
The monolog is full of jokes; I’ll bet you find you like it best.
Think about comedians, the ones way back in time,
Who made us laugh without foul words inserted in a line.

They had a knack to take an image and make it somehow new,
Some twist of word that made us laugh ‘cause part of it was true.
No one escaped their witty jests, no sacred cow was spared,
So here’s a sample just to see your laughter’s not impaired.


GEORGE CARLIN (One Liners)

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, the George Bush library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

BLONDE JOKE (Just gotta have a blonde joke)

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

LAWYER (Another breed that leads to jokes)

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I’m a divorce lawyer."


JUDGE (like lawyers)

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,” What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."


PREACHER JOKES (Lot’s of these)

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.

The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $75.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."


PRIESTS

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."

The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.

The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I had left it."


PSYCHIATRIST

A class of young aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."


TRUCK DRIVER

A truck driver breaks down on the interstate with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for San Diego Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9am and the driver fears he will get fired if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys. Eventually a young man pulls over.

"What’s the matter?" asks the young chap.

"Do me a favor. Here’s $300 dollars. Take these monkey to the San Diego Zoo.

"Happily, the young man loads the monkeys onto his truck and goes on his way.

The truck driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the young man coming back down the interstate, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you doing," he fumes, "I told you to take them to San Diego Zoo."

"I did," says the young man, "but there is still fifty dollars left so now we're going to Los Angeles Animal Park."


RED SKELETON’S FORMULA FOR A PERFECT MARRIAGE


1. Two times a week my wife and I go out to dinner. Have a great meal, drink a bottle of wine, go to a show and share some companionship. She goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays.

2. We hold hands when we go out. If I let go she shops.

3. My wife got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

4. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always”


So if you laughed a time or two, you chuckler’s not impaired
But if you didn’t laugh at all, I hope my life is spared.
And keep in mind that when you laugh your muscles all relax
Tension leaves and worries fade, I’m told that is a fact.
And why should Christmas not be time to give a snort or two
What better time to bring a smile to everything we do.

There’s lots of time to talk of war, to castigate our leaders,
Take time to laugh, get out the lights and decorate the cedars.
The world won’t stop to let us off, so let’s enjoy the ride,
Take time to thank that person who is closest at your side.

After all that’s why we say that Christmas should be Merry
The gospel tidings were great joy, not something sad and scary,
This is a season for all faiths, a time to blend our lives,
For God is found in many books, in many cultures thrives.

So Merry Christmas to you all, to each and every soul
Let helping others guide your life and be this season’s goal.
And don’t forget to stop and laugh, and pass your smile along
And do it now, for this I know, you can’t do it when you’re gone.