DESIREE

"Desiree, girl! What is wrong with you? You've been acting real funny lately. DESIREE!! Answer me! What's wrong with you?"

Desiree looked up at her mother with tears in her eyes. "Ma-," her voice was barely a whisper. "Ma, w-what would make you afraid of me?"

Mama looked puzzled. "Afraid? Wha-Desiree, baby, what are you talking about?"

"I left him, Ma, for good this time."

"Jerome, baby?"

"Yes. I'm thinking of getting a divorce."

"I'm so sorry, baby. I know things haven't been going well between you two."

"There's alot I haven't told you, Mama. I'm so ashamed. You raised me better than this."

Mama took Desiree's hand. "I don't know everything thats happened, but I could see the pain in your eyes. There used to be a light in your eyes, no its gone."

"I should have left him along time ago," Desiree said, "I tried to make it work with him. I thought I was a good wife. I guess that wasn't enough for him."

"Well, Desiree, somethings happen because GOD is tring to talk to you. Its going to be alright, baby. Your still so young and you have so much going for you.You've more than I've done at your age. You may find yourself in tough situations, but you get through it, learn from any mistakes you've made, and always keep GOD first in everything you do. Right now, you have to stay strong for your two babies now. By the way, how are my grandbabies?"

"The girls? They're fine." Desiree then began to cry. "How could he do this to me? I was his wife, I should have come first. That bitch!-Oh, Mama, I'm sorry!"

"Its okay, Desiree, I know your upset."

"Mama, he wasn't thinking. I wish I hadn't loved him so much. It would be easier for me to leave him. And now-"

Mama begin to comfort her daughter. "Oh, my poor girl. It hurts me to see you like this. I can't say I'm suprised about Jerome's behavior. He seemed like such a nice young man when I first met him, but there was a side of him that seemed shady. He may have brought you down, but he can't destroy your spirit."

"Oh, Ma!" What am I going to do?I-I'm pregnant." Mama's jaws dropped.

"Desiree?"

"I'm pregnant, only two weeks."

"Well, we should ask the LORD what we should do."

"Ma?"

"Yes, baby?"

"There's something else."

"What is it?"

"Ma-," Desiree began to cry harder."Ma-Mama, I don't know how to tell you this. I don't know how you'll take it."

"You can still tell me anything, Desiree. It won't change anything, I still love you. I'm not ashamed of you, your my baby girl."

Desiree began to shake violently. "Desiree! what is it, girl! Is it the girls? Did Jerome threaten you-Baby, please tell me!"

There was a moment of silence. Then, Desiree began to speak.

"After finding out that I was pregnant, my doctor also told me that he found something in my blood. He then offered to give me a test for several STD's. At first, I was very reluctant, but the doctor explained to me how important it would be to take the test. Some time later, I took the test. I was positive."

Mama looked worried. "Positive? Postive for what?"

"MAMA!" Desiree began to cry hysterically.

"Desiree, positive for what? Please calm down and tell me what the doctor said. Girl, your scaring me! Did Jerome give you something. What did you test positive for?"

"I HATE HIM! He kept going back to that nasty hoe! He didn't even protect himself! Whatevet that bitch had, he caught it from her."

"Desiree, baby, what did Jerome do to you?"

Desiree continued to scream hysterically. "I wish he was DEAD! I want him dead. He gave me this sh--, me and his unborn child! How could he do such a heartless thing. No one will ever want to touch me again!"

"Why? Desiree, why would anyone be afraid to touch you?"

"The doctor gave me an HIV test, Mama. The results came back positive."
******************************

DEATH WISH...

"Desiree, baby, please! I'm begging you, don't do it!"

There was terror in his eyes and his whole body was trembling. He was ina praying position looking up, but it wasn't God he was looking for.

"Baby, please! Give me another chance, darling, please, PLEASE!"

She looked down at him with an evil smirk. She was about to get her revenge.

"Desiree, DESIREE! PLEASE!" His voice gave out as he began to cry in desperation.

Desiree had no remorse. She gripped the cold, metal gun firmly in both hands with her index finger on the trigger.

Jerome shook violently as he stared at the silver .22 pistol.

"DESIREE! THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MOMENT! What about your mother? What would she say? And think of out two beautiful little girls. What would they think if they found out what you did? How could you go on with that guilt on your heart? How would you deal with your girls hating you for the rest of your life because they knew you killed their father? Would you still be able to get away with this and still look at yourself in the mirror-,"

"Mirror?" Desiree repeated Jerome's last word as if she was dumbfounded.

"Look at myself in the mirror?"

"YES! How would you do that?"

"You were able to look at yourself in the mirror after you did what you did to me. Don't worry about me, baby, I'm a big girl. I'll be just fine-just as soon as I get rid of some demons first."

Although Jerome was terrified, Desiree was very calm as she held the small gun in front of Jerome.

"Any last words before I blow your damn brains out?"

"DESIREE! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS! I know I was wrong, I was an idiot, a jackass, and any other derogatory name I can think of, I was all of that!" Jerome began to slowly come up of his knees, and the silver pistol followed, "but please, PLEASE find it in your heart to forgive me. Taking my life won't solve anything. Please, if you want me to I'll walk right out of that door and out of your life. We can get a divorce; I'll give you whatever is due to you. I'll help take care of our children. This," He looked at the gun, "is not the way. Let's call this a truce. I'm so very sorry about what I did to you. I wish I can rewrite our past and start over, but I can't. Baby, please, I promise-,"

"Promise what?" Desiree laughed. Jerome was now on both feet looking down at Desiree and her gun. The gun was now pointed at Jerome's chest.

"You've already made to many broken promises."

"I know, baby, but-,"

"You promised not to hit me-,"

"Yes-,"

"You promised not to cheat on me."

"Yes, baby, but-,"

"You promised to love and cherish me until death do us part. You promised me alot of shit, and every promise you made was broken. All of them! All I got were bruises, gray hairs from stressin', and many lonely nights. And to add insult to injury, I have this damn virus. Even if I let you go, who else is gonna want me! Who would consider even loving a person like me? Nobody wants this shit that I have. I'm a walking disease! There's no cure for this shit, Jerome! DO YOU HEAR ME? THERE'S NO CURE FOR IT! You've managed to ruin the rest of my life! I have no life. So now, I have to take yours."

Desiree began to pull the trigger.

"DESIREE, WAIT!"

"I don't have time for your games, Jerome, I've got things to do!"

"No, Desiree, stop it. At least let me talk-,"

"Well hurry the hell up, the girls will be home soon."

"Their gonna miss their daddy!"

"I don't give a damn, they'll get over it."

"Desiree, please give me a chance to talk to you!"

"You've got two seconds!"

"Desiree, I know I've been-,"

"One!"

"Desiree, DESIREE, PLEASE HEAR ME OUT!"

"TWO!"

"DESIREE, BABY, I LOVE YOU!"

Desiree loosened the grip on the gun. She neve put it down, but the expression on her face changed. Her eyes began to water.

"Desiree," Jerome took small baby steps toward Desiree. Desiree lifted the pistol higher, now with tears coming down her face.

"No, Jerome-,"

Jerome stopped in front of Desiree. The gun was now pressed agaisnt his chest.

"Desiree, I still love you. I messed up a lot of things, but now I want to start over."

"I thought you wanted a divorce?"

"Only if you want it"

"I-I-I-,"

Jerome began to slowly grab Desiree's arm.

"Desiree, look at me. Can you really do this? Can you look in my eyes and still pull the trigger?"

All this time, Desiree had never looked in his eyes. Even when he was kneeled on the floor, she was looking away. That's why it was so easy for her to feel this rage, this anger, this evil sense of satisfaction...

...Those feelings were beginning to fade.

Jerome now had both hands on her arms. He began pulling the pistol away.

"You don't want to do this, baby."

Desiree released her grip on the pistol and let Jerome take it.

"It's okay, baby, I'm sorry." Jerome took the pistol. Desiree collapsed into Jerome's arms. Jerome caught her.

"I'm so sorry!" Desiree said through tears.

"No, I'm sorry. But it's gonna be alright. I'm gonna make it alright."

Something in Jerome's voice changed. And then suddenly-

SMACK!

Desiree hit the floor hard. She looked up at the giant like figure over her. She could barely see him because her eye sight had went blur. Then, another blow to the head-

SMACK!

Desiree began screaming and pleading for Jerome to stop. She was now over by the couch holding her hands up. They were covered in blood.

"PLEASE, STOP!"

Jerome chased Desiree around the living room while smacking her with her own gun.

"JEROME, PLEASE!"

"YOU CRAZY BITCH! HOW DARE YOU PULL A GUN OUT ON ME! JUST WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE, HUH? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR F---ING MIND?
YOU BETTER NOT EVER DO THAT SHIT AGAIN, BITCH!"

"I'm so sorry-,"

"YOU DAMN RIGHT! YOU'RE A SORRY BITCH. I SHOULD JUST SHOOT YOU, HOW ABOUT THAT!"

Desiree was now huddled in a ball, shaking with fear. Jerome shook the pistol in front of Desiree, mocking her.

"You evil bitch! You were going to take my life, without thinking about my daughters. You were just gonna take their daddy! I love my girls! I want to be with them! I want to watch them grow! And how do you know I gave you that shit! I'm sure your were out there screwing around, too. For all I know, you probably gave me this virus! Why must you always be the victim! I should shoot you, I should just shoot!"

Jerome had stop hitting Desiree, but was still waving the gun around. Desiree had managed to crawl in front of the couch, one arm under a pillow.

"GET UP!" Jerome screamed. Desiree didn't move.

"I SAID GET UP!"

Desiree didn't budge.

"Look, woman, my patience is running thin! For the last time, GET UP!"

Desiree only moved her arm from under the couch pillows. There was something black and shiny in her hands. Jerome caught a glimpse of it.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

Desiree showed Jerome what it was. And then-

BOOM!

Jerome fell on the floor. Desiree jumped up and walked over to her fallen lover. With her black pistol in hand, Desiree stood over him. She was crying hard.

Jerome was barely alive. He looked straigt up with shock and fear in his eyes; blood was oozing out of his chest wound. His mouth was open; all he could do was gasp.

"HOW COULD YOU!" Now Desiree was yelling.

"You see! You can't change, can you? You broke yet another promise? Don't you see now? This is why I must do this. Jerome? Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME?"

Jerome's eyes was searching. His breathing was irregular; his whole body was shaking.

Desiree kneeled down next to Jerome;her face was wet with tears.

"Jerome, are you still there?"

Jerome was still looking straight up in shock. He was in great pain.

"All I wanted you to do was love me. Just treat me like a woman. I gave you a chance to redeem yourself, and you messed up again. You hit me for the last time."

Desiree positioned the gun over Jerome's chest.

"Don't worry, baby. I know your in a lot of pain. It'll all be over soon. I'm so sorry, s-s-so sorry. I have to do this. For me, and for my children. And, I love you, too. I will always love you. Don't worry about the girls, they're in good hands."

She kneeled down and kissed Jerome for the last time.

"OH! I'M SO SORRY! I LOVE YOU, JEROME. FOREVER, BABY!"

She pulled the trigger-

BOOM!

Desiree woke up and looked around. She was startled by the door slam.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Mama?" It was Desiree's oldest daughter, Samaria. She had a bad habit with slamming doors.

"Hey, Mama, can you help me make a sandwich? I'm hungry."

"Oh! Hold on, I'll be down in a sec."

Desiree's eight-year old daughter looked up at her mother's face.

"What is it, Sammy?"

"Are you alright, Mama. Your crying."

Desiree hadn't even realized it. She began wiping the tears away as she stood up from her bed.

"No, no, baby. I'm alright. I just have a cold."

Desiree took Samaria's hand and lead her downstairs. She forced a smile on her face; Samaria smiled back.

"So, how was school?" Desiree said as they walked downstairs.

"Oh! It was cool. OH! And Mama, I got an A on my math test today."

"You did?"

"YEAH!"

"Good for you, Sammy. I always knew you were a smart little girl."

Desiree and Samaria were now in the kitchen. Desiree began pulling meat and cheese out of the fridge as Samaria took a seat at the kitchen table.

"What'll it be, Einstein? Ham & cheese or bologna?"

"Ham and cheese!"

Desiree put the meat and cheese on the table.

"Take the loaf of bread out of the bread box, baby."

Samaria followed her mother's orders. As they made lunch, they continued their conversation:

"I told Daddy about my math test, and he said he would take me shopping later on this week. I wanted that new Barbie doll they had on t.v.the other day- did you see it?"

"Yes, Sammy."

Samaria suddenly got quiet. She looked down at her small, light-brown hands.

"Sammy? Sammy, what's up?"

"Um, Ma...why is Daddy never home? Did he do something bad again? Did he hit you again? Mama, are we leaving him again?"

Desiree did everything in her power not to cry.

"It's complicated right now. Daddy is just taking a little vacation right now. We need some time a part."

"Why? What did he do now?"

**What could I tell her? Could I just tell her that I'm HIV-positive? Does she even know what that means? I wouldn't be surprised if she did, she is such a bright girl.
Would she be afraid of me? Would she hate her father? That Jackass!***

These are the thoughts that went through Desiree's mind as she searched for an answer to give to her daughter.

"H-He didn't do anything, baby. Sometimes, I just need a break from your father, that's all. Don't worry to much about, Sammy, everythings okay."

"So, we're not leaving, then?"

"No, finish making your sandwich."

Samaria did just that.

ONE MORE TIME…

Over the past three years, Jerome had full-blown AIDS. He had lost a tremendous amount of weight and his mind was leaving him. Jerome was once a very handsome and stocky young man, but his wild ways caught up with him. He was only 34, but his ailments took away his youth. His once smooth vanilla-tone skin was dull. Jerome was so frail and sickly looking that his hazel brown eyes sunk deep into his head. In the last three years of his life, Jerome looked like an old crack fiend.

Even with all the past abuse she endured, it hurt Desiree to see Jerome suffer the way he did. What was worse was her two daughters witnessed what was going on with their father. Of course, there were questions concerning Jerome’s condition. What could Desiree say? Would Samaria and Brianna understand their father’s condition? How would they react?

The only thing Desiree could tell her daughters was that their father was diabetic. It was a half-truth; Jerome had a family history of diabetes and he eventually got it. He also had a long list of other illnesses that was simple caused by his promiscuous behavior. Jerome kept Desiree in the clinic. Why did she stay with him so long and put up with so much hell?

Years before his death, Desiree recalled a conversation that she had with Jerome. This was six months after she discovered she was HIV-positive. The two had been leaving apart for some time. Jerome had moved out and went to stay with a friend; Desiree stayed home with their two children. The abuse and arguments stopped, and both Desiree and Jerome agreed to make amends for the sake of their daughters. Jerome would come around on the weekends to spend time with Samaria and Brianna. Then one day, Jerome came over, but it wasn’t just to see his two girls.

“Hello? How are you?” Jerome greeted Desiree as he walked in the house.

“I’m fine. And you?”

“Cool. Where are the girls?”

“In the back.”

“Oh-,” Jerome slowly walked towards the back of the house, and then he stopped in the middle of the living room. He turned around and walk back towards the living room; Desiree was sitting on the couch.

“Desiree?”
“Yes, whats up?”

“Uh-um, can I talk to you when you get a chance?”

“Its cool. When do you want to talk?”

“Later on today…when the girls are asleep.”

“Okay…I guess.”

Later on that in the evening, Jerome sat outside with Desiree on the front porch. It was a warm summer night; the full moon was aglow and surrounded by millions of beautiful stars. There was a moment of silence between the two troubled lovers, and then Jerome finally spoke up.

“Its such a beautiful night out.” Jerome was sitting on the steps looking up at the night sky.

“Yeah, it is.” Desiree swung back and forth on the porch swing. Her mind was racing.

“This night brings back a lot of memories. It also reminds me of the night that we first made love. It was right underneath the night sky.”

“Yeah. I also remember that night. But then it was followed by years of abuse and betrayal.”

“Yeah.” Jerome hung his head.

“You wanted to tell me something, Jerome?”

“Huh-OH!” Jerome looked up at the sky again.

“Desiree, I’m sorry.” Jerome had whispered it so softly that Desiree didn’t hear.

“Jerome? What did you want to tell me?”

Jerome kept looking up at the night sky as he began to talk.

“I-I said I’m sorry.”

Desiree couldn’t respond.

“Did you hear me?”
“Y-yeah, I heard you. I accept your apology.”

“That’s good.” Jerome got quiet.

“Is that all you wanted to tell me?”

“Oh-UH! Well, no. I wanted to know if we could try again.”

“Try what again?” Desiree now sat up in her porch swing.

“What are you talking about?”

“These past six months I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking. I know I’ve made some terrible mistakes in the past and I regret them. If I could, I would change them. But, unfortunately, the damage is done. Although I made a mess of things, there’s always a chance to make things right. I want to try to make things right-,”

“Make what right, Jerome? What are you saying?”

“I-I’m saying…I’m saying I love you and I want to get back together. I want to be in my girls’ life. I’m tired of visiting them, I want to be here everyday.”

“Jerome, I didn’t tell you to leave. You left on your own-,”

“I know, I needed some time, some space. I know we agreed on a divorce, but I want to see if we can make it work before we call it quits.”

“I don’t know what to say, Jerome. I-I don’t know how to respond to this? You really hurt me.”

“I know, and I said I was sorry. I really am. I’m so sorry that we both have this shit. Now, I just want to make it right.”

Desiree couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Jerome wanted get back together, what was he on? Why did he want to get back with her? Was it because he had HIV like her and figured no one would want him? What was he thinking-Hell, I got this shit so I might as well get back with my old girl.

“Desiree?”

“Jerome, I-,”

“Yeah?”
“I just can’t. Not right now anyway. And you can’t just come here and ask me to get back together like nothings happen. I still need space.”

“I-I understand.”

“I have forgiven you, and even myself because I didn’t do everything right. But this is gonna take some time. And to be quite honest, I don’t think this relationship can be fixed. I’m ready to move on, and you should do the same. Don’t worry about the girls; I want you to stay in their life. But that’s as far as it goes at this point.”

“Wow.” Jerome stood up. He looked at Desiree.

“I’m sorry you feel that way. Well, I’d better go.”

“Will you be here to pick up the girls for school in the morning?”

“Yeah-of course. Desiree?”

“Yes?”

“Even though we can’t get back together, just know that I still love you. I may have had a really shitty way of showing it, but I do love you and always will even until death. I really do mean that from the bottom of my heart.” Jerome than quickly turned his head. Desiree thought she saw tears in his eyes.

“I love you, too. But sometimes, love isn’t enough.”

“I gotta go,” Desiree could hear the pain in Jerome’s voice.

********(to be cont.)********