The Halloween Police

The Halloween Police
By Stephen A Abell

Number of Words: 811



It was unbelievable.

He could not believe it.

It had to be a joke: an April Fool on Halloween.

However, he knew the newsreader had said that tonight the police would be out in force, in plain clothes and in unmarked cars. Not because there was a terrorist threat. No. But, because there were trick-or-treaters on the loose.

Evidently, the number of complaints had risen of “malicious” tricks being played on people, and this warranted the mass exodus of police. No mention of any crimes being committed, but that does not stop them from issuing on the spot fines.

Damn, he thought, just, what’s the going rate for a good egging nowadays? All because lazy couch-potatoes can’t clean, the kids were gettin’ the shit end of the stick. He laughed; maybe they ought to dress up as Dirty Harry.

Ten years ago, he had been proud to be English. Now, he let his head hang lower everyday, as more stupid laws, taxes, and shit happened.

He knew that kids could get away with most things in today’s world, but this was wrong. He had his chocolate ready to hand out; his wife was looking forward to it. She loved to see the little kids in their scary costumes, as well as pirates, nurses & such. England had not got into the swing of Halloween like America, but it was catching up. Would slapping a thousand pound fine on a six-year-old put a stop to that? He hoped not.

As the light grew dim and his working day drew to a close, his mind began to wonder just what tricks were played on the people that complained.

Walking home, he envisioned the victims describing the trickster’s pranks.

“Well officer, we opened the door to find Casper peeing on our step while Little Bo Peep crapped on our hydrangeas.”

“Oh, I thought it was the most darling thing I’d ever seen. He was so cute in the dungarees with that little rifle. But, it was the fur hat that cried out Davy Crocket. It was complete with tail too. The tail gave him away. The little shit had gut our pet pussy and slipped him on his head.”

“Marge opened the door, and quicker than you can say Jack the Ripper, the little bugger had slashed her open from top to stern.”

“We opened the door to see the best headless ghost ever. He even had a head tucked under his arm. Before he could take any sweets from the bowl, he popped his head out of his turtle neck and passed us the severed head from under his arm. I mean, a real severed head. Yuck.”

“I don’t know what happened next door. I heard a few short screams and thought it was from their telly, after all, it is Halloween, you know. I’d just given out some blood oranges to a group of baby Draculas, such cute costumes, all flowing capes, and sharp plastic fangs. Lovely. I made sure they got next door OK, so you’ll have to ask them what happened. What did you say? No, I didn’t know that. Completely drained of blood! Now how could that have happened?”

“I honestly thought he was a handyman, he had all the proper tools on his belt. Nah, didn’t think he was a kid, my eyes ain’t what they used to be, thought he was a small guy, Chinese, Japanese, maybe a midget. So I let him in an’ told him we had trouble with the shower upstairs. Half hour later he comes squelchin’ down and walks straight out. It was only three hours later, when I needed a pee that I found the wife laying in the bath tub, all bloody an’ wrapped in the shower curtain. This made me think about my daughter who was havin’ a teenage sleepover, though they all look thirty-years old. So, after I pee I goes to look in on them and that fucker had driller-killered ‘em all. Hey, do you know how to get bloody footprints out of white Axminster carpet?”

Opening the door he called out to his wife, “Happy Halloween baby. Trick or treat?”

“I’ll take the treat.” Came her reply.

After he slipped her the treat a few times, they came downstairs for dinner, and to await their ghastly callers.

Seven thirty and a knock resounded on their front door. Grabbing the pumpkin bucket filled with chocolates and sweets, she rushed to greet them.

“Oh my, don’t you lot look fantastic. Come on inside, you’ve got to let my husband see you.”

The door from the hallway opened and in walked Casper, Little Bo Peep, Davy Crocket, Jack the Ripper, the Headless Ghost and a group of Vampyres.

“Quick,” he screamed, “call the Halloween police.”

But, it was too late, he could hear the electric drill doing its wet work.