The Steel River (Parts 1-8)

I often wonder what signifies the worth of a concept. Is it an immeasurable trait due to the emotional attachment to something, or by a means externally apparent, like popularity or the impact on others?

My recording is nothing deserving of such investigation. I do not believe myself to be a hero or a martyr. However, I will be judged for my own sins, whether it's by God or simply by my actions, and the consequences that hold true in our physically and chemically based world. I don't think it's significant, nor inspiring. The gentle, steady yet forceful wind that guides us all told me that I had to do something.

I left my body; rather, I left the bond between mind and body behind. That thread has been severed at a depth only something so intrinsic to survival could be. It was a choice, yet it was also necessary. In the corporeal sense, it wasn't a conclusion by death. It changed everything momentarily, for a split second... thus changing everything for the rest of my days.

I left the cold, inscrutable, impenetrable walls of concrete and vanity. This was a constant conscious effort, for it tries to pull you back, to draw you deep within its womb. It will erase your mind and replace what you've known with procedures and introverted guises, layered so thickly over who you were thought to be. It was the kind of happiness that never truly lives, a taste too sweet or too bitter to be real. With my tongue freed of these addictive, generalized polarizations, I found it much easier to leave flavors behind. The discretion between things fades, leaving you with one brand by which to name everything.

My feet were aching for a change in step. They led me far away from these man-made barriers, psychological defenses and physiological attacks. Yet, out there, there was no one for as far as I could see... it has been lonelier without targets to aim at, or false mirages to grasp towards. The sun had started to lie itself down for a cyclic sleep, throwing orange and sanguine hues over the trees.

There, in the distance, I felt something. It was too far to distinguish, but it called for me. With a sort of blind desperation, I sent my body into a cusp-like frenzy, barreling in the direction of this... thing. I am now convinced that there was no way for me to see it, yet I knew where it was. There was only a sliver of light left on the horizon by the time I got there, and saw what it was I had been chasing. Open air surrounded me from the precipice, my feet cemented to the ground at the edge of a cliff.

I looked downward. Below, I saw running water-- A river that struck its course from, seemingly, the wall of stone underneath me. I didn't think about where it came from. I could see something glinting off of the last shreds of light, and my breath caught itself from leaving my throat.

The water moved fluidly, as if it had only the most natural course, yet it also undulated like liquid steel. I could see unidentifiable things—living, writhing things being sliced in twain or endlessly lacerated, all trying to fight their way upstream. There was a mix of crimson in the silver-blue as the flow of blood stained a gradient on its reflective surface. Yet there was something that caught my eye... there was something there that again called to me.

When I saw her, my eyes became shocked into a kind of insane realization. My sight became erratic and nonplussed. They held no recognition for her, but I was sure it was what I searched for. She laid face up, floating calmly downstream. The quicksilver-like water did not disturb her, and there was a dark, almost soulless black discoloration, like an aura following her body. In the few seconds I comprehended all of this, I knew I had to go in after her. I stepped backward a few feet, then a few more, hesitation made me repeat my actions until I was hundreds away. I stopped and readied myself, tensing my leg muscles and grasping to the ground with my feet, like a bull determined not to miss that provocative red cloth.

I bolted, faster than I conceived of running, towards the open air. I could not bring myself to stop, nor did I want to. About halfway through, I was struck by something that sent me sprawling to the ground. Dizziness and nausea hit me; my ears tore themselves into a kind of blindness. I looked up and saw a man standing there, arms crossed and an irritated look on his face.

He was familiar, but only in that way that tells you it's nothing but imagination. His face was scarred beyond recognition, anyway... He had seen the depths of what was below. His arms were folded in a fearsome way, although he looked gaunt and helpless. There was something in the backs of his eyes that told me he could move the world if he saw fit. He extended one arm downwards, grasping around my throat so I could not speak, and lifted me up. "You should not go."

I looked at him with a puzzled expression. His voice was also an oddity I could not place; I knew him, somehow. He rasped and coughed out words like they were spears, as if not catching every word from him would mean certain death. He opened his mouth to speak.

"There is something down there you should not know. Yet, there is something down there you must learn. I will not stop you, because I cannot. But keep this always in the front of your thoughts: There is no turning back."

I was shaken, yet undisturbed. My muscles felt the pull towards the cliff's edge, I had to hurry and find her. I tightened my hand around his forearm, struggling to pull it away. It did not budge in the least.

Unexpectedly, though, he released his grip. I fell back, coughing and sputtering, losing my balance and falling back to the earth. His eyes bore holes into me, searching for something, or possibly just delighting in their drill-like gaze.

"As I said, I cannot stop you. Go, and find her, but never struggle against the current, because that will be your end."

By the time I steadied my footing and rose up again, he was gone. I do not know where he went, or how he got there; he was simply gone. An adrenaline rush warned me to hurry, and I gathered my courage to leap over the edge.

It was night, now, with stars shining and the moon struggling its way up over the Earth's shroud. I realized I was back where I started, near the entrance to that atrocity of skyscrapers and meaningless walls of windowed glass. I knew it to be a place full of perversion and derangement, yet it seemed much easier to survive in. I turned back toward the forest. Kneeling down, I gasped in as much air as I could and began sprinting towards my goal. Shades of gray and black whizzed by as my hearing was filled with the whistle of serene, chaotic wind. As I saw it approaching, getting closer with every step, I steeled myself and jumped out into a floorless oblivion.

There was no foliage below, or it was covered by the shroud of night; I could not tell. The only thing my vision could focus on was that slowly floating body, with its halo of a black much deeper than night, heading downward and out of view. Then, I was falling. It was not the picturesque freefall feeling of weightlessness and an almost angelic sense of standing still. It felt as if the entire sky itself was pushing, shoving me down into those threatening waters. I could not breathe, nor even flail my arms desperately. I sunk like a stone, and below, I saw the reflection of myself getting closer.

I hit the water with a cruel, blunt smack. The water seemed so alive, so fluid and malleable, yet it hit me like a sledgehammer. My senses lost all use at this point, and I did all I could to stay afloat. I felt sharp, stabbing points of pain all over my body, and I saw the water around me redden with my own life. As my strength waned much like the pale light above me, I felt something take hold of my collar and pull me out of the water. I lost consciousness.

--

I do not know how long I was out, or if I was really gone at all. There was still an absence of light, and the moon looked higher than before. Its light reflected the landscape more vividly I remembered, almost beautifully. Within the iridescence was a face, hovering above me. It was the face of a girl. She tentatively asked me if I was alright.

I sat up quickly, involuntarily, as if my body was jerking itself towards remembering why I was there to begin with. I winced, and looked at my arms. They were covered in small cuts and gashes, but the bleeding had stopped. A few makeshift bandages hung around what I gathered to be the more life-threatening of the injuries. The fresh stains that seeped through gauze reminded me of where I was.

She told me she had seen me drowning, and saved me. I stared at the girl, who looked too youthful to be in such a dismal place. She was actively searching for something, rummaging and rifling with reckless abandon through one of the many bags she had slung around her shoulders. She looked like a nomad of some sort. She was beautiful in a strange way, I felt immediately attracted, pulled to her as if she was a siren in the middle of the ocean.

She told me her name, which I immediately forgot. I was fully occupied trying to grasp the reality around me, to take in what had happened. I noticed that I was on the riverbank, facing out towards the endless, thrashing water. It was violent... almost as if it was alive, and grew weary about being in such a confined space. It looked like each wave was throwing itself outward, longing to be free.

I looked back at the girl. She was voluptuous, a woman in her own right. I remembered the panging feeling of loneliness which made me leave that darkened city in the first place, the desperate hum inside of my ears that forced me to choose to jump. Then, I remembered why I had done everything before this moment. I tried to steady myself enough to stand, but found it fruitless. She urged me downward, forcing my head in her lap, and begin to softly stroke my hair, as if she had known me for much longer than the transient happenings which had brought us together. It was alluring, the feeling of velvet fingers touching and caressing me as if searching for something, and I was lulled into sleep.

I awoke to the glare of the sun, a sight I didn't think I would see again. She was sleeping beside me, entwined with me underneath a large wool blanket. From another bag, I surmised, as strange a notion as it was. They seemed to be bottomless and provided whatever confection as was needed. She offhandedly spoke of the cold temperature, and why she felt I needed her body heat to help recover through the night. I saw, though, by the reddish tint of her face that she was just as lonely as I. There was a pull between us, something so visceral that it made me question its existence. I quickly tossed that notion aside; I didn't care about the reason so much as the warm feelings washing over me. When I felt recovered enough to stand, waiting through half the day and eating luscious fruit that she supplied from the abysses of cloth and corduroy, we walked together until that horrible span of water was out of sight. It was too wide to see across, but it did look like it was constantly trying to expand, to reach its sharpened claws outward. The river looked hungry, and I was glad to not have to stare at those blades any longer.

I forgot why I had come there and as if lead by her song, I followed the woman into an enclosure of tall grass. The surrounding land had seemed so barren when I was falling through the sky... But I never took second notice of the startling change of scenery. I helped her set up her things as much as I could, but I was still aching and weary from my ordeal. She asked me for my name, and I invented one; either because I felt that my real name no longer held true, or because I was cautious towards her... I don't really know. She stayed with me for an immeasurable amount of time, for each second seemed an eternity, and the end of the day was but the blink of an eye once it had passed. It was a dreamy place, and every breath seemed like it filled me with more confused laxness.

In the mornings, we would pack everything up and move farther from the river that had almost taken my life. I never questioned why, because I enjoyed being with her. She calmed me, loved and yet puzzled me. I told myself over and over that she was simply in the same state of mind as I was, trying to grasp the realities around us. We made love in a desperate way, underneath vibrant trees and overtop verdant fields. She would never look me in the eyes, though-- but by this time, I had convinced myself that she was alone and embarrassed, and by straight confrontation she would lose the love she had found. Maybe I believed the same thing, and deluded myself for the sake of comfort.

On the eighth day, I saw something that left me breathless. Out there, on the horizon, lay a sparkling reflective surface, a cold, and yet alluring snake winding down the hillside. Like a white, frothy scythe, it cut through the landscape. She would look at it with an indifferent gaze, as if it had no bearing over anything other than the feeling of inconvenience. I emulated her expression, or rather the lack thereof, but I was stricken with an unnamed charge, as if I could not quite place it, but there was something important in that water.

Time grew stale. We deviated from the openhearted discussions of our lives, and conversation turned into an aimless mix of illusive excuses and heartless consolation. I did not trust her anymore, because as the sun climbed and fell, giving way to veil after veil of darkness, I started to recall my place. A very different sensation was overcoming me, a pull towards that river of blades and indiscretion. She saw this in my eyes, I know it, and before I could open my mouth to speak, I felt a hot, sharp entrance into my chest. My head tilted downward to reveal the crimson blade handle protruding from my body. She held it with a forceful, hate-filled grasp, but I saw the same indifference that I knew she used for whatever she could not control. She left me there, to bleed in the knee-high grass. The same instrument she had used to try to murder me was keeping me from bleeding profusely, though, and with the last of my strength I managed to crawl towards that blue-silver serpent. There, I saw her floating. Not the temptress, and though I call her that I did not feel animosity towards her. I knew why she had returned my near-death state to me, and it was not out of violence. I was a stray cat, a homeless animal who would bare its fangs to all but the master it had already lost. I hid my aggression inside the lies of dependence, because she was my food, this woman. It was not her. The last I had seen of that girl, she was attempting to climb up the sheer wall of rock that followed our entire trip, and I believe its brother was the same cliff I had leapt from when I started this journey. But there, in the water, almost farther than my eyes could see, was a patch of something that looked like oil, floating seamlessly across my field of vision. And I knew then why I had come here, and why I had to keep going. However, my determination would not heal the knife stuck deep within my flesh. Off in the distance, I saw a group of structures-- not cold and obtrusive like that nameless town, but this was welcoming and earthly. The last of my strength was used to get as close to the water as possible, and before the world became a blackened rush of silence, I thought I heard someone shouting.

--


All I've done up to this point has been staged by others. I could not focus on the significance of things, because time was a confusing concept. In a dream-like haze, I wandered down a fixed track, being led by other people. I broke free long enough to find what I'd been searching for, only to be saved and put back in a box. I think it took the malice inside a woman's eyes to show me that I, indeed, have a purpose. In that back-stabbing moment, I was set free from illusion. I thank her for that, but that is only because I survived.

Again in a dizzy stupor, I awoke inside of a very small room, made of thatch and crudely woven branches. It was more of a tent than a room; the ceiling was curved and claustrophobic, isolating. I felt weak, starving and incompetent. Beyond the darkness of a lone, off-skew doorway, a pair of dark, shining eyes watched me. The room was awash in the bleak lighting of two candles. Those eyes always stayed just out of the light, and in my drifting between consciousness and sleep, I remember seeing them often.

I was asleep more than awake and I only suppose I was cared for by someone -- Bandages, a needle and thinly spun twine sat in a dish next to my bed. I recall tasting something bitter from time to time, being fed and cared for. I finally woke to a feeling of awareness and early-morning sunshine, managing to crawl outside of the strange patient's cell I had been confined to for what seemed like ages.

I heard the sound of running water, and there in front of me was the river I had been following so failingly. Only a hundred or so feet away, I know it had been watching me this whole time, yearning to pull me into its current. There were a few huts much like the one I came out of, strewn about haphazardly. I heard movement behind me and turned around to see a tall, strong-looking man and a young girl half-hidden behind him.

The man motioned towards me. "Hi. We found you and brought you back here. You looked like hell, with all that blood. It's not befitting of someone as young as you!" His chuckle seemed out of place, echoing deeply around me. I stared, but did not reply. Walking over to the river, I crouched down and looked at my reflection in the water. His eyes were listless and unfocused, the face reflecting back at me. Mussed hair stuck about in disarray, contrasting the neatly-placed, fresh scars. The stubble around his chin made him look unclean, unkempt and unfulfilled. But this was me... this is what I had done to myself.

The man behind me, on the other hand, looked like an oak; not necessarily by his stature, but by the simple way he seemed to stand in place, strongly rooted to the ground. He looked like nothing could budge him, as if by mere resolve he would bear any weight this world had to offer.

The girl behind him was scared, but had the glimmer of fascination in her large brown eyes. I ascertained that those were the eyes I saw watching me. I assumed I had been there for quite some time, but I was not really sure. It felt like years, but the aches in my body told me it could have been only a day.

Crouching, leaning towards the water below my sorrowful reflection, I had a sudden realization that I had to get going. If I was to find her, I could not stop for any reason. I chastised myself on being led so far off of my route by a woman who was nothing but a fleeting dream, ending in a nightmare.

Something tugged at the back of my bloodstained, ripped and weathered shirt.

"You shouldn't get too close to there... if you fall in, we can't help you."

The definiteness of the girl's voice caused me to retract unquestionably. By the look on her face, she looked as if I might collapse at any second, and was afraid for me. I sat by the water, with my head in my hands trying to think straight, but falling short of comprehension.

"We've been taking care of you since we found you. It's been almost a week, now. What's your name?” The man grunted out. "She's been watching you constantly. Don't know what's got into her. Wasn't sure you'd pull through, but with Chidi on the job, there's nothing to worry about."

The morning sun began to brighten, and the harsh blue color of a sky without clouds was disconcerting, urging me to move. The tree-like man reminded me of another man who spoke in a decisive tone, the strange apparition I had met before I had jumped. It was different, though; whereas that old visage had looked like death itself, he was more natural, more alive. He stared at me with a towering gaze, unsure if I was threatening, or maybe just deciding on what to think of me.

I lifted my head, and my eyes turned to the girl who was now sitting next to me. "Your name is Chidi?"

She gasped when I had addressed her so directly, possibly because I had not said anything to this point, but then smiled slightly. "No. His name is Chidi." She pointed to the oak man. "That's just how he talks. Weird, isn't it?" She laughed; a much more soothing sound than what I was used to hearing. Again, my ears tuned themselves to the ceaseless thrashing of water.

"I saw you lying on the ground, so I got Chidi to come help me get you." She explained. All I could think about was the blackened, lonely body floating somewhere far away from where I sat, every second passing being wasted.

"You look like you've been in there a lot...” The girl pointed to the violent waves, then to the fresh scars that had taken residence on my arms, legs and face. "What happened? Why was there a knife in your hand when I found you?"

The man never moved. "If you had left it in, you wouldn't have bled so fast. Didn't you know that? Why did you pull it out?" I stared at the ground. I knew, and yet I thought it impure for something filled with spite to be stuck in my body. I had yanked it out and tried to throw in the river off in the distance. It was impossible, and I knew that as well. I felt as if I did it just so that I would die more quickly, because all I could focus on was her, so far away. I stood up quickly, startling them both and began walking as fast as I could, following the waterline.

The girl grabbed my arm. "Don't go! You can't make it anywhere like that. You need to rest!" Her words were desperate and thick with concern; she was right. I fell to the ground and began sobbing. I had to get to her, to that person whose name I couldn't even place. There was nothing for me here. My only purpose, my charge was to find her as quickly as possible, before she was lost. It was cathartic, and yet embarrassing to cry so openly, feeling as alone as I did during that time. The tears that clouded and obscured my vision only brought more with them, just like the torrent of quicksilver spread out before me... that evil river. I could feel its waters inside of me, calling me to jump in. I resolved to stand up and release myself to the current, for then I might just find her. It was the only way I could think of, and when I saw her in my mind, floating motionlessly, surrounded by a cloud of pitch, I cried all the harder.

Then, I felt the girl's arms around me. She held me without saying anything, and I screamed an aching dirge into her shoulder.

--

I fell asleep after that, being led back to the bed I had already been in for so long. My dreams tormented me to awaken and shift about uneasily, like I was being tossed back and forth on a ship with no destination. I came out of the small hut and saw the young girl sitting on the ground, staring out over the water. The way it reflected the night sky so beautifully stirred my soul awake. When she noticed me standing there, her head sank into her knees. I took a seat beside her and watched the undulating reflection of stars and clouds.

"Why are you here?" She asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence. "You survived something that could have easily killed you, and you just want to leave again? What if you die the next time something happens?"

"I have to find someone, and I keep wasting time instead of looking for her. She's just getting further away..." I trailed off, and fixed my gaze on the moonlight that danced so gracefully atop the river. "Even if it's only a few steps at a time, I have to keep moving towards her. I won't let anything stop me again."

She seemed at a loss for words, or maybe I sounded foolish. In the distance, I could see lights vaguely sparkling from tall, black blotches-- no doubt from a thriving city. They were scars on the earth itself, reminding me that an entire population can be just as indifferent and deceptive as the woman who had stabbed me. I thought about her, climbing up the cliff face, never looking down. Was she heading back to the meaningless city lights and deceitful looks on its people's faces? She belonged there.

The girl was staring at me, and the look in her eyes thrust me out of my self-absorbing thoughts.

"Then, let's go." Confusion filled my face. She stood up in one fluid motion and took my hand. "Let's go find her. I can help you." She led me to the water, and seemed to walk right on top of it. An incandescent, white light shone around her feet. "As long as you hold onto me, it can't hurt us. But if you fall in, I can't get you out. So don't let go!" She smiled in a strange, pure way. I was utterly baffled, but I wasn't about to let this chance go. We began to float downstream, disconnected from its watery surface, yet pulled along by its current.

"Chidi knew you would leave tonight, and he said that I should go with you. He wouldn't tell me why, but I think now I understand. You need my help." She had such a simple, straightforward way of speaking. I was used to the cryptic absurdity of talking only to myself. It was refreshing and uplifting.

"I'm Klara. You haven't told me your name yet, but, it's okay if you don't want to." She watched hills pass by as the sun rose, covering the ground in an angelic glow.

I paused for awhile, thinking of what to say. "Why are you helping me, Klara?"

"Because… I want to."

"What kind of a reason is that?"

"What kind of a reason do you have for doing something so stupid in the first place? You're half dead and if I hadn't come with you, you wouldn't have even made it this far!"

I didn't answer. She was right, I was stupid. I was running, wearing blinders to the world, trying until my last breath to get somewhere that I wasn't even sure existed or not.

"I have a reason... and that's all that matters." I spoke distantly into the night air.

"Then I will help you." Her hand grasped mine more tightly, to signify the meaning of her words. I could trust her, but I didn't know why.

I fell asleep with my hand in hers, and when I awoke I was lying on my back, hovering above the river, floating downstream. She was stroking my hair with my head in her lap. I gasped and rose with a start. I looked at her, and she seemed frightened. My memory was playing tricks on me, filling me with the past. I released my grip on her hand and dangled it lifelessly, waiting for her to let go. She wouldn't.

"What are you doing? I didn't mean to scare you like that... you were sleeping so peacefully, and even in your sleep you looked lonely." Her hand held to mine tightly, afraid that I would drop into the needle-like water below us. I told myself that she wasn't trying to take hold of my mind, to seize me in the way that others had. There was no forced, indifferent control in her eyes; no deliberate words came out of her mouth. There was only empathy, and a strange sense of pity. I calmed myself and gathered my senses. It had felt nice, lying there.

For some reason that I could not place, I knew this girl was somehow tied to me, in a way that I had no idea how to explain. It was vaguely familiar, like family from a past life, or another existence. I gave myself up to these thoughts, and the voice in the back of my mind stopped yelling to be careful. I rested the back of my head on her legs, and she understood. She again stroked my hair in a calming, nostalgic way. There was peacefulness in that connection. There was no push towards excitement, no manipulative movement. I felt at home with her, as I had never before. She had become a part of me so suddenly, but so easily. We talked to pass the time, treading slowly down the river that carried me closer to what I sought. I told her my name, to which she chirped, "It took you long enough!", and laughed teasingly. It was easy to speak to her, as there was nothing worth hiding. In my years of loneliness among the towering concrete jungles I had called home, I had never met anyone like her.

A few days since our journey had begun, we arrived at a large drop-off, and stepped onshore to watch the river of steel flow dangerously fast into a black hole. I knew that she was down there, my nameless love; she had to be. For the first time in what seemed like ages, I released my hand from Klara's, and walked to the edge. It was darker than black, as if the light was being eaten before it could shine on the onyx walls of the canyon. Klara came up from behind me, putting her arms around my waist to stop me from going any further.

"If she's down there, we can't find her." She looked at me with tear-filled eyes. She knew what I was thinking.

I had to follow her, to reach her and bring her back. My eyes searched in an erratic frenzy, unable to meet Klara's, trying to think of something to say. I was at a complete loss for words.

"I have to go." Was all I could muster, and I shoved her back, releasing myself to gravity once again.


--

It was a weightless feeling, unlike that first violent drop; I felt as if I could fall as quickly or slowly as I wanted to. But it was always down, into the lightless opening below me. The air speeding around me became a muffled, grating sound, and I saw something getting closer from below.

It was the water.

The fall was unexpectedly graceful, but the impact and inundation of the steel river was just as harsh. My breath was driven from my lungs, and all around me I felt those liquid pincers rending, tearing at my skin. It remembered me and became all the hungrier. I groped about blindly, trying to find hold of something to stop me from drowning. My hands found what felt like smooth stone, and I pulled myself up on a thin shelf of rock. I started to walk downstream, away from the cavernous, deathly place I had fallen into. A light far down into the cave gave me hope, and clinging to the thin, crumbling stone that had saved me, I kept moving. I was covered in blood and I felt its warm trickle fill my eyes. But I didn't care; I had to find her before it was too late, before I couldn't go on. I didn't know what I'd do once I got there, if I even got there at all... but it was all I had.

And I knew the river would leave me alive. I could feel it inside my veins, pulsing and waiting. It was a part of me, mixed with my own blood. I had become familiar with it. It wanted to eat me alive, slowly, feasting on my life. I could feel it trying to pull me back in. It was a demon for not killing me outright, a torturous thing that delighted in being parasitic. As long as I stayed close, feeding it some of my blood... it would not let me perish. It was one of those realities of the world I lived in. No matter how close to finality, these waters would keep me alive. Whether it was my own madness or the truth being fed into me through the knifelike contact with the river, I believed this to be true.

Before I could reach the sunlight, I began losing my balance. I remembered what the old man had said, that I cannot fight the current. I was barely standing at that point, everything I had been telling myself about the parasite keeping its host seemed to be more of a lie as time passed. I stopped, took a deep breath, and fell backwards into the stream. I lay there, unmoving, floating with the current. It did not cut me, nor was there any paranoia or feeling of being a food to this beast; it was as if it was carrying me with a sort of tentative grace. I felt my body healing in the time I spent afloat, and I realized that I could swim in the same direction, and would not be accosted by those one-way blades. It was invigorating and relieving. I adapted quickly, and before long I was heading as fast as my arms could take me toward the direction she must have gone. It was a strange feeling, like the thoughts in my mind were manifesting themselves physically. It was as if my sheer determination was supplying my body with unending endurance.

I was like a torpedo in that water, the river I had feared so much. I began to think I had already died, and this was but a dream. I didn't understand anything that was going on around me, yet I felt fully in control. I felt like I could find her. I thought of Klara and how I had left her... she must think that I've perished. But for all I knew, I had, yet I continued on.

And really, in my mind, that was all I was good for: Causing worry. All I had was my goal, and nothing else seemed to matter. I would not let myself be taken aside from my purpose, to be lulled and hypnotized by someone else's hunger. I was sad for Klara, though; I had done nothing but push myself forward, and left her behind.

The water seemed different, thicker than it was above. I told myself that it was better to have left her, because I didn't want her to be in danger. Even if there was no peril that I could find, I felt more consoled with these thoughts. The river kept me afloat though I never tired enough to stop stroking, speeding towards the soundless voice that called to me. And there in the distance, after hours of swimming, I found her.

The water ended in a huge spiral, a drain of sorts. Opening into an enclosed space, it swirled downward into a definite end. I saw her, floating there, surrounded by an aura of lurid, shadowed liquid. Her eyes fixed themselves on me, unmoving and blank. She watched me as she slowly, sadly floated deeper. I stopped short, afraid of that place for an unspoken reason. Climbing ashore, I watched her disappear into nothingness. It happened too quickly for me to react, other than watch her with longing eyes. I saw a tear shine, reflecting the sun, flowing down her pale, motionless face. And then, she was gone.

My brain halted. Time stopped long enough to be an eternity, and I madly grasped for rational thought. I had known it would be like this, yet I came anyway. Unthinking, in zombie-like rote, I called her name. I don't remember the word or how loudly I shouted; only a blank echo remained. When the world crashed back into place, I fell to my knees and screamed at the sky, cursing this world and all its insanity. I had done nothing, accomplished nothing more than becoming lost and spiritually wounded. I tried to force myself into the whirlpool, but my legs would not move. I knew that there was no turning back from that place, and I couldn't convince myself otherwise long enough to stand back up and go. It was useless, and I felt useless as well. I didn't cry; there were no tears to allow me an outlet, for I felt as if the world had ended inside of me, an apocalypse that left me with an empty stare towards the sky. Then, in the corner of my eye, I saw a bright, white light shining above the water....

--

You realize something when your life becomes a tumultuous, spinning cycle: That nothing ends up as you expect it. I thought I could push my way into what I wanted, with vengeance as my cause. Every time I did not find that prize, I blamed the things around me. Hindsight gives a sickening feeling, sometimes. And yet, I suppose that is how we learn as humans and as animals... by our mistakes. The embarrassing, laid-open artery that houses our minds, bled dry until you can see clearly.

As I was frozen there, staring down the swirling blue, silver and black, I noticed that I had done nothing up until that moment. I had chased, followed and become lost; that was all. Klara's footsteps left momentary incandescence on the river's surface as she sped closer. And what did she know? I felt grief for her, as I knew she was wasting her time helping me.

I was there, at the end, looking over into the empty space, where my life had once been. Even if this nameless body was a vestige that had long since been erased, I knew that she had once been a part of me. Forgetting her name was like losing a piece of my mind, and it sank with her. My opened, shaking hand became a fist, clenched in frustration and rage. I could not fathom preconceptions about this place, and I would not tell myself that there was no returning.

As Klara approached me, I saw her eyes. They glimmered, wet with tears and pity. I wasn't a wounded animal, a beggar to be taken in and cared for. I had to change this saddening turn of events. I sprang to my feet with the fury one can only learn through scorn; the hatred towards a higher power. I then dove into the spiraling body of blade-like water. The last sound I heard before I was inundated with a furious torrent was Klara's scream.

And in my honest belief, I didn't think I would return. The determination that was aflame inside of me was not one of survival, but rather it was the desire to find the truth. I didn't waste time with the current's flow. Heading straight for that darkened plughole at the bottom of the drain that had taken my destination, I plunged into the beyond. Everything turned black. My body shut down, but it did not cease operation, as if I was being fueled by something greater than my own blood. The murky cloud surrounding me felt thick, palpitating in lurching rushes. I saw a light brighter than the Sun, shining heavily and sharply into my eyes. And then... everything stopped.

My first thought was not to grasp my surroundings or to take inventory of myself, but to somehow find her. Within the increasing madness, cyclic barrages of pain and panic tore at my limbs. There were faces, looking forlorn, shouting at me with voices that did not register in my ears, for I felt it in my heart. Everything went instantaneously silent. I opened my eyes.

I was in a strange place. A stark, gray-blue sky reflected downward, mirroring the surface below it. There was no ground, though; Spread out in every direction as far as I could see were the same cascading waves that I had feared so greatly. It was a world inside of a serrated ocean, tearing endlessly into itself. Though I felt surrounded by violence, it was eerily quiet. Nothing lived there, but for the sake of dying. I took a deep breath, expelling needles of liquid from my body, and the current around me suddenly rushed about, sped up by an act of life. I saw her there, floating, motionless. I could not move; I was only carried by the waves. There was no way to bring her closer. From the depths of my soul, I beseeched the blank wall that I had called 'faith'. I prayed for a chance.

I heard a voice from within my mind, an echo against the grain of memory.

'Why have you followed me so painstakingly and so readily?'

I didn't know.

'You can't even find a reason?'

The ocean became livid, tossing itself into convulsion.

"I wanted to know what you meant to me." My eyes watered as I coughed out an answer.

'Why would you search for something you had forgotten? What can it mean to you if you don't know what it is?'

"But, you're the one who called to me in the start of all this! You can't leave me without an answer!"

'Why do you want an answer?'

I was frustrated, having come this far... I thrashed my arms in anger, and the water gave way. The water opened into an empty mass of space, as if instantly sucked out from below me. I fell into a void of a place. Images played before me as I had never seen before: Vivid colors of my past blew holes in my thoughts. Like that one returning tide that seems stronger than the rest, more forceful, I felt filled by memories and meanings of things that I never knew existed. They didn't feel mine, but I knew they were; I had lost something precious to me in the city I falsely called 'home'.

And I realized, amidst the weightless heaviness of memory, why I had come here. It wasn't a chase or a grim, death-seeking journey; I had been following my dreams. They floated with her down that river, calling to me through her eyes, with the clouded murk of distraught a barrier that I could not break.

With a single blink, I was shocked back into reality. The endless oceans were gone and it seemed that what had happened was unreal, as if my feet had never moved from where I had been rooted in anguish only minutes before.

I saw that old man, looking at me, distraught, yet as if he had accomplished his task. He was proud, holding his arms high above him in a mirthful prayer to the sky above. The water before him sparkled with graceful arcs, like they had lost their reason for violence. I looked up, and he was gone; it was then that I realized why he was so familiar. I stared at my reflection in the water.

Klara stopped only a few feet from me, huffing in an exasperated tone. She was covered in bruises and scrapes. Her skin was smeared black with soot, an obvious indication of how she had followed me. I didn't think she'd come, and I wish she hadn't; I was only there for myself. There was no room inside me for the wants of other people. I was already filled by the dream-like vision that had taken my mind into slavery.

"What's wrong with you?! Didn't..." Her words trailed off, because I wasn't really listening. I focused on the words I had heard during my time in that place, a redundant vibration shaking the foundation of everything I held true. Indeed, what was wrong with me? These long, humid nights and heat-filled days were contrasted by the icy fear and desperation I was lost inside of. My realizations became a haze, amplified by the staggered sunlight leaping over the horizon.

I had left my tomb, the crevasse I dug for myself because I knew there was something more. Ripping the shackles from my mentality, I found the remnants of my life as I had left it. Nothing changed, really. I followed that solemn body into something not unlike death, yet was only shown an illusion....

It felt as if her passing struck an epiphanic spark inside of me, giving birth to tiny, budding flames. I wasn't sure if I had wasted my time here, or really learned anything valuable. But I clung to it, like it was my life itself, the fondness and nostalgia that awakened the first throes of restlessness as I remembered running so wantonly toward the open air. My thoughts and ideas began to fragment, split as if by lightning. I was breaking, and with a gestalt sense of peace I knew that I became directionless at that moment. Was it worth losing so much, leaving all I could call mine behind, just to find what someone had left for me?

My clothes hung lifelessly from me, torn and ripped almost completely apart by my ordeal. My challenge, as I thought of it. I wondered if I had tricked myself into thinking I was a warrior, a knight heading vigorously to a chivalrous end. The only weapon I knew how to wield was hypocrisy. I had regained a small, yet vital part of myself... but what did that prove? How was I supposed to use such an ambiguous monument? The impact was there, taunting me, goading me into making a move like a demon watching from just beyond my own shadow. It mocked me with such an impetuous grin.

I stood and turned away from the river that seemed to swell and undulate towards me. If it was only paranoia, or some more deeply-sown thing, I do not know. I remember running, shrugging off the attempts at restraint and the pleading calls to stop. I ran until my body gave out, and then I noticed I was surrounded by a different abyss: an ocean of desert sand.

--

There is a stigmatized stereotype, known so well that it's almost meaningless. The ability to appreciate the highs only comes with knowing the lows. This is something many people have said to me before, amidst structures of brilliant translucence. I believe that it's true, but I believe the journey itself is far more violent than many would care to experience.

I was there, only me, alone in a desert of unending space. I walked in every direction, even dug straight down until I hit a floor of solid rock. Nothing was there, just me and the scorching, monolithic dunes.

I began to attack myself in a way I never had before; ripping, bending and chewing at my sanity. If my past had taught something to me, it was this: following sadness leads nowhere.

It was then that something appeared before me. A small globe of something that looked like tinted glass of a dark green hue held a beating heart, suspended within. It floated, but only in the way a shoddy television set sends blips of static. A large circle was apparently torn out of it, and it was out of this jagged hole that it spoke to me.

"You are still here?" Its voice was more of a vibration, a hum rather than speech. "You have no desire to return. And why would you? You only run from how pathetic you are." The spherical thing said this in a voice that was too analytical, too exact to be mocking.

"You came here of your own will, and now you try to leave. You lie to yourself, don't you know that?"

I sat, resting on my haunches and idly stroked the sand beneath me. My fingers stung from pointless digging.

"I know. I know, okay?" I always seemed to sound like a fool when it mattered to me most.

"Then why do you wish to do anything other than rot here, underneath the Sun? You are like me, filled with wanting what others have. You only wish to escape your own body. I have seen many people come here, but none with a desire to return as strong as yours. I sacrificed my body, my eyes and the beating of my own heart only to rest here until time is no longer moving. If you are to return, you must build. You must build until your hands ache with progress instead of pain. You must free yourself from envy. If you do not... I will consume you."

With that, the thing took on a wicked grin, and then vanished.

Something sparked inside of me at that moment. I'm sure of it. I was so tired of chasing sacrificial cleansing. It was only fleeting, but for once... I saw something beautiful inside of myself. I began to think of transforming my hatred, apathy and condescending isolation when looking at others into a powerful, laser-like feeling of love. Even for only myself, I grasped it with reckless confidence.

The ground began to shake and rising up from the same sand I had found to be bottomless, a large mound of stone began climbing into the sky. It was a dark, grayish color, speckled with shining black spots. Lying next to it was the very same knife that had begun my descent, plain but ornamented with the painful memories I often recalled. Grabbing the blade with a tremor-filled hand, I started chipping at the construct, the beast of my imagination.

Almost instantly, it became obsessive fervor. Rage that I no longer had the energy to endure fueled every swing as I hammered into the mountain. The things I had chosen to be near, haunting me, were blown apart like so many pebbles. Layers covering my feelings were twisted and fossilized. When the outer covering broke apart, shattered under the weight of one blade, one hand and one heart, I could see the pure, yet distorted insides of myself. Tears were streaming down my face, for the innocent weakness was too much to bear.

--