I should be reading

I SHOULD BE READING……

I should be reading. I have a stack of articles that would make a grown man cry all needing my attention. I have a meeting tomorrow that I need to prepare for. A meeting with my chair. Not a piece of furniture but a professor. Someone who expects a great deal from me. Instead I find myself at my computer…..with this strong desire to write. Instead I want to sit with you a while. The air is cooler today although the sun is bright. Come, let’s put on a sweater and go sit on the deck and talk for just a little while.

As I was procrastinating today, I watched a movie. It is one I have seen many times that speaks to me in a language that words cannot. Although the movie itself is fairly new, to me it is timeless. It is the life I lead in my minds eye. She has gone where I long to be. In time I will join her but for now I have a daughter to get through school and a degree to finish……..so until then I will live vicariously through her in a world that exists in my mind.

Several times in this movie they speak of a railroad built many years ago.

“They say they built the train tracks over the Alps between Vienna and Venice before there was a train that could make the trip. They built it anyway. They knew one day it would come.”

They built the tracks before they had a train. Before they knew they could buy one or that one could be brought to this part of the world. They built it anyway. Whether this is true or not I don’t care. So if you know the origin and it differs……..I don’t want to know. For me this story is not about reality. It’s about dreaming.

It’s a goal or the ending of a journey. It is an idea that is in your mind. We work at it. Maybe not all day everyday. Maybe it is a dream for a future. One that you have to wait until the time is right to set about making it happen. Maybe you do have to work at it everyday, living in your car to save money and utilizing every known resource to widen your knowledge because that in turn widens your dream and anchors it more soundly in reality. Or you go everyday to class, and then to work, studying and taking care of your family. You take exams and write papers. Maybe you’re looking, everyday, for something, anything that helps remind you of your goal. It is something that helps to propel you forward. But behind it all is your vision, an idea or a feeling. Maybe you can’t put your finger on it just yet but you know in time you will so you keep turning it around in your head. You pave the way with each tie you lay down.

It’s not easy this journey. There are obstacles and sometimes every time you turn there is something that you must step over with your energy, push aside with your brilliance, or crawl under with your wisdom. Creating a path through the Alps one foot at a time until one day you turn around and realize just how far you have come. I can only imagine what it must have been like. What they must have endured building those tracks. I wonder if those who knew them thought they were crazy at the time. Building all these tracks through mountainous terrain for something they didn’t have. We’re they discouraged and told to stop? Did they endure endless hours of fatigue and exhaustion all the while wondering to themselves “Am I crazy?” I wonder if they ever felt like giving up. Like the task was greater than what they had to give. But maybe the internal drive of what they wanted to accomplish kept them going – not allowing them the luxury of giving up. Is giving up even a luxury? I wonder….

I wonder if anyone died before seeing their dream realized. Do you think they understood the gift they were giving to their countrymen and to the world or do you think they were just damn tired of trudging through the mountains in the snow and the cold and the thin air? Did someone say “If I have to walk over these damn mountains one more time……” What did it take for them to put this idea or this vision together in their head? Was he an engineer? Or was he a regular Joe…..or I mean….. a regular Marcello (what is a common Italian name?) Maybe it wasn’t an Italian at all – maybe the idea came from a woman in Vienna who wanted to be nearer to her lover……maybe it was a cousin of Freud or Victor Frankl? I don’t know where it started and honestly, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that is important is that it simply……..did. No one gave up. They persevered and triumphed despite great odds. Even despite the fact that there was yet no train. They knew one day that it would come. And for them, that was enough.

It’s getting colder and I’m afraid I have much to do tonight. I know, I don’t want you to leave either but I’m afraid I must go in now. I know you can’t see it but I’m building a set of train tracks up there. Please come back soon. I’ll miss you. When I am ready maybe you can help me proof read but for now I must work. Sleep well and think of me, while your resting easy I’ll be pounding another iron stake into the ground with every word I read.

Until your eyes gaze upon me again,

Much Love,

Mariah