Meditation

Blue, sky blue figures as I’m supposed to feel airborne as a balloon, which would be tough except that I also need to be constantly aware…as if prepared for an ethereal afterlife of non-corporal existence…right, so let’s prepare these sky inspired cushions like Mama bird does a nest… My inflexible self, still for an entire hour and focused on surveying sensations round mah body…ha, there was sensation, can I say cold shiver down my spine? Legs will strain at the seams. Knees under these smaller pillows should buy me five minutes more? It didn’t work last time…close though. Gave up, unfolding my legs about ten minutes before Dear Teacher, Goenka’s enchanting voice five more minutes of discomfort. Oh, well. Maybe I’ll make it this time.

Ok, here he goes…remember the plan…goodness this guy sounds like a kind Count Dracula….tough to focus on anything while he’s talking…I remember the instructions, Sir. All right, just breathe…focus on my breath. Feel it only at the end of my nostrils…in… and out…keep it up, remember the plan…can’t handle the pain, forget surveying for sensations and just try to focus on breathing for at least five minutes…then I can relax…OK, back to it. He’s finished his introduction, so I’ll begin checking for sensations...top of my head, try to feel it…OK, small sense of something, yes, oh…damn, gone… What’s wrong I usually can get something there, there! There it is...ah, I’m not supposed to ‘crave’ any sensations…all my energy towards being aware of sensations, but avoiding any reaction when one is detected. Paradox, hmm frustratingly paradoxical, the idea that I should work towards sitting still, aware of the subtlest sensations in focused meditation for the entire hour and yet not be at all attached to success. Please, eat this cake that I’ve just baked…

Right, good and fine, but I’m only thinking it and not doing it!! Back to it now. Top of the head. Anything? Try to feel it. Anything? There’s something, ok, bit of tingling. Can I move from the top? Usually pretty tough. Just search for a minute or so, then move on. Anything? Hmm, temples...ha, ha Temples...that’s… ahh, FOCUS, but don’t get upset, no aversions, remember, don’t be too disappointed by being distracted. Gotta be neutral to all sensations, whether I like them or not…Good and well, but I’m STILL not focused. Where was I? Head to the back of my...he, he, hmmm, anything? No. Move around to the forehead, good, my face is usually good for a tingle or twitch. There! Good. Eyebrows, wait, head down to left cheek, calling me and though I’m not quite there yet, close enough. Stay for a bit, and nose? Lips? Chin? Never get the chin. Lips are buzzing some. OK, now onto my nonexistent neck…impartial now, just search. Can’t beat yourself up for a senseless neck! Maybe I’m worried the non-corporal voice really is Dracula and I’m subconsciously suppressing all sensation so as not to call attention to vital arteries…actually, I should be able to feel a pulse here, and although we are supposed to pay more attention to subtle sensations than gross, at this point even the pulse in my neck is almost too subtle! I hadn’t realized I was so dull...he, ahem, FOCUS, I mean, please pay attention oh wistful self. My goodness, poor teachers who have had to deal with this wandering mind all too able to float away…well, poor, frustrated mentors…my folks included, your lessons have been garnished with exclamation points now that I am both a teacher and a parent myself. Did you somehow arrange for me to become a school teacher of prepubescent teens whose attention is so erratic…then to head home to my son who inspires in me grand hypocrisy nearly minute by minute, irony…Damn.

Where was I…Chin? No. Neck, then, right! Shoulders. Good. They’re usually good for sensations, and I can usually run down the length of each arm, sometimes to my fingertips…THEN DO IT, DIPSHIT…Sheww, that was a hint of aversion. Right. Shoulder, there it is! OK, hold it there some; try to move it on down the arm…gravity pulling on blood? To the elbow, feeling sensations like light pins and needles…nice, hmm, losing it at the wrist... Never mind and onto the other shoulder…good…OK, onto the blank space that is my chest…imagery of a poor, breast less woman, he, hmm, women must have easy sensation across the chest…search now, stay aware…a little something, focus, a little more…how about a heart beat, surely I have a heartbeat, though some friends have…stop…, no, not you, Heartbeat. STOP! Hey, there it is, I think, good, down to my empty stomach, he, he…two meals a day’ll do that every time…Actually, that part hasn’t been bad…Tea, a cookie or two, and I’ fine. And the funny thing was my wife, family, friends all chuckling over my spending 10 days in absolute silence, with no communication with anyone! Hasn’t been a problem at all! A relief, in fact. Might be that we who tend to talk too much feel the burden of having to fill the silence…too often, for me anyway, it seems I do this for the sake of others, as if I owed them some kind of entertainment, when in all irony, they’d often just like me to keep quiet…

Aww, hmm…oww. Legs starting up already?! Damn. I haven’t even surveyed through once yet! Jeezz, not very focused tonight. A blessing? How much time has passed? I can usually go, hmm, maybe 15 minutes past the time my butt and legs begin to act up. If I had worn my glasses, I could peek at the teachers clock...No, that’s besides the point…needles in my knees, he, he. I made it the entire hour yesterday, but it was with that over-reacting male mammal bellowing, chest-beating, ‘don’t be weak’ kind of inspiration, which is, again, besides the point. Relax, remain neutral…unbiased…didn’t Goenka repeat, ‘equivocal’? Was that the word? Don’t pay attention to the time. Let it go and follow the plan…Upper back, focus, I can’t believe I’ve only made it here. FOCUS, ok, a little something…soon I’ll have plenty of sensation, soon as I reach my butt, which isn’t too bad yet, back, back to back, he, he, nothing, move on down to my lower back. Bit of a strain, wow, sweat just dripped down ‘mah belly’! Finally, a stomach sensation, beyond the occasional grumble…too bad, your at the back, go back…Slight strain, a pressure really, stay…observe with an equivi...no, he says ‘equanimous,’ ‘an equanimous mind.’ That’s a word? Back...gross sensation, down to buttocks, some cramping, not bad though. Stay, a pulling…getting fidgety. Down to my upper thighs, feel it along the sides of them...a pressure, strain…knees ache…nothing on my calves, though my ankles are beginning to shout, no, stay with the calves for a while, just a bit. OK, ankles, what is this all about. Uncomfortable, but not terrible. Thighs burn a bit; now stay at the feet...toes? Nothing? Can we begin again at the head? Good, that’s it, got some tingling at the top, able to move it around a bit…nice, sides of the head still blank, back of the head…hmm, a hint…and face, forehead, eyes, yes, good….ears? No...nose? Nose...tickles, ha, gross sensation, but it happened with perfect timing…lower back is better, but the legs want to squirm away on their own. How much time is left? Hate to give up and find I’d nearly made it again…relax, return to the survey. Lips, good, I can still sense subtleties. There we go on my cheek…chin, no. How about that pulse on my neck? Good, a bit of a flutter or something. Back of the neck? Nothing? Stay, focus attention, try to feel that area…no? Move on…

Chest? Legs! Chest…knees! Keep breathing. Give up on the survey? No, I think I feel a heartbeat. I’m not dead yet! Why did I leave my glasses? What if I’m only halfway through? Keep the promise. One break per hour if I must…if I break too early, then the pain will return before the, the chanting. OK, hah, more sweat down the chest, he, like cheating, but still subtler than the ache in my legs…I’m going to need help getting up. Sweat, down my stomach, in my eyes…stick to the stomach, good…upper back, wait, shoulders! Forgot the old failsafe! Whew, anything? Come-on, there it is, left side, focus…it’s increasing, nice. Will it move? Yes! Whoa, relax…down to my fingers…other shoulder…good…down...nice…whew…want to see those legs, face ‘em, fucking legs ain’t so bad…slow, back to back, he, so stupid…ahhhowwwOkayy, nothing, lower back, no, a bit fast, butt…better, he, legs, hnnn, burns…pressure, whew, not that bad, but I know I can just unfold them…everyone’s eyes are closed anyway…which is not the point, Sir! Knees, ache, occasional sharp pain…stop the survey? This last one was pretty good. Hmm, yeah, just breathe. How much time has past? Where is that chanting? He must be repeating ‘five more minutes’ in Sanskrit or something. Come-on, start riiiight...now!? Just breathe…focus…good, feel the breath, now in…out…nice…better…

Resume survey? Top of the head? Yes, good. Anything else? No, OK. Face? Good, a bit, always tingling, face is good for that…neck, that flutter? Umm, yesss, goood…

(Chanting begins)

AHHH!! Whoa, aw, just crave a bit…yes…yes…yes! HOOOOMMMME, MMMFIIIIVVVVVE MMMMOOOOOORE HMMMINUTESSSSSSSSSSS, he, he, whoosh, ha, OK, five minutes can go slow, keep breathing…