Chains of Ice

I have been ranting and raving all day for reasons that I'm unsure of. I have gone into automatic parent mode and have been blasting my children about their shortcomings and bad habits. I have already unloaded on both my sons. This time, it's my daughter's turn. She says nothing. I turn from gathering her dirty clothes that are strewn all over her room to see why she is not paying attention to what I'm saying for the hundredth time. Time stops.

She's standing there with her toys littering the floor, and her books falling off their shelves. She looks older than her six years. I look down for a moment, not wanting to meet her gaze. She is wearing her favorite shoes stained with grass, dirt, and other substances, the sources of which can only be guessed. They used to be white. These are the shoes I check to make sure she isn't wearing when we leave the house, not wanting to be judged as a neglectful mother. Her jeans are dark, her T-shirt pink, the words "Little Princess" emblazoned in gold across her chest. Her shoulders slump, her little arms dangle. Her wispy hair is brown with a touch of honey, and it flows in waves over her shoulders. Her bangs are slightly long, and they drip over her chocolate eyelashes. That's when I look at her face.

At first I note her angelic features: the full pink lips, the smooth creamy skin, the snub little nose, the beauty mark on the left side above her lip, and the almond-shaped eyes. I happen to look into those eyes, the color of my morning coffee, and am taken aback. They seem to be talking . "Love me, Mom. Just shut up and love me", they are saying.

In a flash, I see my daughter ten years from now. She is standing in her room, defiance in her eyes, hate written on her face. She spits words at me, things she has heard me say over the years, only this time used against me. I cringe and take a step back. She leans toward me, her voice loud and accusing. This time, I am the one who cowers.

Time starts back up. She is my six year old again. Her eyes are speaking to me. They tell of heartache and despair. The fear is palpable in the room. Fear of rejection, and of not being accepted. The chains of ice that have imprisoned my heart today, melt. Bending down, I envelop her in my loving embrace, close my eyes, and enjoy. Her little arms are wrapped tightly around my neck. I feel her heart beating against my chest. I pull back from her and look into her eyes once more. They are full of love, hope, and happiness. She smiles. That moment, like every other moment we have had or will have, is gone.