To an Old Lover

Night after night
You show up-
Beautiful nightmare,
Looking the same as years before.

I remember
How we used to sit
Around on your bed
In that dumpy house
You had, unkempt
But tidy and old
And drafty.
At night we would have to curl
Up close during that cold,
Cold Winter when everything
Froze and you would cling
So close that the heat
Became unbearable
And I never moved.

During the day I read
You Tropic of Cancer
And you giggled
At the frankness
Of Miller and we lost
Ourselves in each
Others eyes
Yours so close to mine,
Mine so close to yours,
Reflections casting shadows
Across our brains,
Yours imprinted on mine,
Mine imprinted on yours.

Long ago,
when you were a girl,
Someone did awful
Things to you
And you would never
tell me exactly
what, only that it was
horrible,
Unnatural,
Disgusting,
Unforgivable.

One night you cried
While we were making love
And I didn’t know why,
But the next day
You just said,
“ you don’t know
anything about women”
and never told
me why you cried
and I still don’t know,
or maybe I do.

You were always
convivial
In a crowd,
Vivacious
Spontaneous
Often loud
And a delight
Because I’m so shy.

In the mornings you would shine,
And in the evenings shine
Again, but underneath that light
Was a scared little girl.

You phoned one night
crying,
Despondent,
Desperate,
Frightened,
Your living room was sprawled
With papers and you were crying
Because you had finals,
Because you couldn’t think,
You really didn’t know
why you were crying.


I was in love
with being in love,
And I watched
while you fought
And fought
with those demons,
Nameless and senseless,
And I couldn’t lend
you my hand;
I was afraid.

So now, long
after the affair,
You haunt me beautiful
Nightmare girl
With eyes
like emeralds
That lights
the dwarves mines,
and long flowing
brown hair the color
of dried earth
reminding me
again and again
of everything
I didn’t do.