The Best Defense

Location: Dimly lit smoky tavern.

Football game playing on aging fuzzy 1st-gen big screen TV (volume med-low).

Bartender mops the bar, picks up an empty bottle and tosses it in the trash. Turns to the last remaining customer:

"Hey Charlie, ready for another?"

"Yeah, hit me again, Steve... So, ya think the Bears are gonna make it to the finals this year?"

"Could be, Charlie, could be... They've been racking up the points lately..."

"Well, you know what they say, the best defense is a good offense."

Ain't it the truth, Charlie... Ain't it the truth..."

The door opens, a thin man in ill-fitting clothes enters:

"Hey bartender, gimme two Bud long necks, with a Jim Beam on the rocks for a sidecar."

"Pretty thirsty, hey Mister?"

"Yeah, Just got outta tha joint. Did three years..."

"What were you in for?"

"Well. I guess it don't matter now. I already had my trial and done my time, they can't do nothin' to me so I'll tell ya the truth. I killed this bitch I was livin' with. See, Debbie was gonna leave me, said I was no good. I guess she was pissed off 'cause I hit her a few times. But I never hit her unless she deserved it...

I wouldn't a hit her if she'd kept her place. But she had ta keep mouthin' off.. And then she went an' told me she wanted me to move out of her apartment! She said she met someone new, a real gentleman, someone who wouldn't treat her like I did! Well, of course I was pissed off, who did she think she was, acting all high and mighty like that! So I pulled out my pistol and I shot her ass!

But I ain't stupid, no. I took the gun and smacked myself in the head with it a couple times. Then I stuck it in her dead hands. Then I pulled the whiskey out of the cupboard, drank a good slug, poured some in her mouth, then I busted the bottle on the floor for good measure... Then I called the cops.

Told 'em we'd been drinkin' and got to arguing. Said she pulled the gun on me, and I tried to get it away from her in self defense, but it went off in the struggle and she was shot by accident.

The cops didn't really believe it, but at the trial the best they could get me for was manslaughter, so I did my time and here I am...


So gimme another Bud, barkeep! And you know where I can get me some pussy? Been too long a time... lookin' for a woman who likes it rough..."

Steve pulls a bottle from the case, pops the cap, and puts it on the bar in front of the man: "Here's your beer, Billy Connor, now drink up. And it'll be your last..."

"Say, that ain't very friendly! And how'd you know my name? I never seen you before in my life! Who the hell you think you are, anyway!

"The name's Steve, Steve McCall. I'm the guy your Debbie met, I've been waiting for you to get out..."

"You son of a bitch!" Billy says, as he jumps up from the bar stool.

Steve pulls a pistol from behind the bar, leans forward and shoots him point blank in the chest.

Billy falls to the floor.

Steve walks around the bar and looks him in the eye, as he lies there on the floor, bleeding to death, says: "Looks like you won't be gettin' any pussy, rough or otherwise, ever again Billy..."

Billy gasps his last breath, then his eyes glaze over in death...

Charlie walks over, looks down at him: "You killed him, Steve!... Whatcha gonna do now?"

"Guess I'll call the cops and explain it to them... You saw what happened Charlie," Steve says as he puts the pistol in the dead man's hands... "This guy just got out of prison, comes in here for a few drinks, then he decides to rob the place... He came at me with the gun, I tried to take it away from him in self defense, but in the struggle the gun went off...."

"Yeah... that's right, Steve... That's what happened..."

"You know what they say, Charlie... Sometimes the best defense is a good offense..."

"Ain't it the truth, Steve... Ain't it the truth..."