Eavesdropping 101

Eavesdropping 101

I was standing in a very slow moving checkout line at Wal Mart, and I quickly became bored with the magazine covers about Brad and Angelina. Even more bored about Tom and Katie. So, I turned my attention to eavesdropping. Oh, come on, don’t be so self-righteous, you do the same thing. You just don’t like the connotation of that word, eavesdropping. I, on the other hand, accept it for what it is, an educational opportunity. You can learn things by eavesdropping that you could learn no other way.

Anyway, there was a stout lady (stout is a compassionate choice of words), giving advice to a much slimmer woman in line behind her. “You should try this diet drink,” she said, as she held a six pack up for show and tell. “I’ve been using it for years, it’s the best thing.”

Whoa, now there’s a testimonial! You’ve used it for years, and only gained 230 pounds! Boy, I’m going to rush back into the store and fill my cart right up. Thank you so much for the advice. By the way, do you drink it by the six pack? Maybe it should come in gallon containers.

Of course, there are better places for eavesdropping than in checkout lines.
Restaurants are great. I can go to a restaurant, order nothing but coffee, and later walk out with the equivalent of a masters degree on a given subject.

Here's how you do it. You walk into the restaurant with a look of deep concentration on your face. You walk right past the hostess without making eye contact, and look all around the dining room for the most promising place to sit. This is a science. Women at the table are a must because they talk a hundred times more than men. A proven fact. A table with all women is okay, but it is best to have one man who is outnumbered by women. Three women to one man is optimal. This ratio brings out the maximum aggression in the women, lashing out mercilessly at the poor, defenseless male. Like boxing with an opponent who has no arms.

Once seated, you want to appear to be busy. This will make you blend into the background and not inhibit the group you are studying (okay, eavesdropping on). Pretend to read a book or newspaper. Newspapers are best because you can hide behind them. Make sure you don't hold them upside down, though. That's very embarrassing, trust me.

CASE STUDY

Here is an example of what might be overheard by listening to an optimal group (three women and one man) at a quiet restaurant. Participant names are fictional, based on their personal characteristics.

Little Sister: This is a nice restaurant.

Black Widow: Yeah, I'm surprised Diamond Jim over there agreed to pay at a place like this.

Princess Piranha: Oh he didn't agree, I laid down the law, didn't I Sweetums?

Victim: Well, I...

Princess Piranha: It's the least he can do, since he refuses to set a date for our wedding, now isn't that right Sweetums.

Victim: I don't think...

Princess Piranha: Hush Sweetums, just say yes.

Black Widow: That's right sweetie, you've got to train him early, just like I did your father, God rest his soul.

Victim: Suicide by any chance?



Well, you get the idea. And remember, eavesdropping is not only fun, it's educational. Happy listening!

Note from the instructor: If you gained by taking this course you may want to consider my next course, Gossip 101.