I Hate People

What’s red, white, and blue all over? A white guy who called Mike Tyson a nigger.

Hello, my name is Rick Zuckett, and this is my comedy sketch, I Hate People. I’d like to start by telling you that this is not for anyone who is offended by what some would call “Satanic Thinking.” I would, however, like to point out that I am in no way endorsing or trying to pull my reader into anything he or she does not believe, I’m just trying to get people to think outside the box a little and maybe get a good laugh out of it at the same time.

I call this piece I Hate People because I look at the world and think, “There’s one of two things behind this fucked up mess we call America: Money or Cocaine.” Because I look at people and wonder what drugs they did that led them to believe it’s a good idea to hold their children up until they are twenty-one. Because I look at my own generation and feel myself about to throw up, because three quarters of us are too fucking lazy to get up off of our asses and work for the things we want, need, or we think would be cool to do at the time.

When I talk about parents holding thier kids, I'm talking about these fucked up holy roller Christians who home school their kids and make every attempt to keep them from the real world. It makes me sick because I look at these kids and think, "How in God's name are they going to function in society." And it comes as no surprise to me that the people that do this are the kind of people who alomst destroyed themselves with drugs or alcohol. But what I don't get is what makes these people think that cutting their children off from society is any better of an idea. That's got to have just as negative effect on them as drugs would.

I’d like to talk a little bit about myself, not that I'm trying to be self-absorbed or anything, I'd just like you all to know a little something about that you can make fun of me for later. Halloween has always been my favorite time of year. My costume this year was an evil clown named Zom-bo. He was kind of a cross between Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees, and some random zombie clown. It was a good idea in the long run because I can do the real scary evil clown laugh. I always though the evil clown thing was a little over-done though.

Speaking of Freddy Kruger, have you ever imagined him gay? It’d be something like, “That claw doesn’t with that Christmas sweater. You don’t need to kill people in their dreams, that look does all the work for you.”

When I think of evil clowns though, I always think of this really great idea for a comic book super villain, but you know as soon as you hear the name, the hero of the story is a minority: Ku Klux the Klown. Sounds like someone that would be on that Adult Swim show Minori-Team.

I have to ask, why are people so bent out of shape about racial stereotypes? I understand some of them are bad. Obviously if you’re Asian you’re not too proud of your stereotype; having a small penis. But if you’re a black man or a Jew, wouldn’t you be proud of those abilities and traits? Black men, obviously, are said to have very large penises, which obviously comes in handy when you’re dating an Asian chick.

Jews are the big ones I can’t figure out though. In this day and age, why would you be ashamed of being good with money? My future father in law (I hope), I can’t talk to him about a savings account without him giving this look like, ‘Are you mocking me?’ These days, isn’t that a good thing that they can control money?

While pondering this I asked myself, ‘I wonder why Jews are so good with money?’ Then it hit me, it’s right in the Bible. The law of tithing, giving 10% to the church, they spent all there time saving money so they’d have some to give to God. And it made me wonder this; if Catholics adapted that law, why aren’t they any good with money? Then I remembered seeing a priest with a Rolex.

Catholics are frightening people, I should know, I am one. Born and raised a Roman Catholic and I’m not too proud of that. The Catholic Church is where all this touching of little boys started. Someone tell me please, when did Father Michael become Michael Jackson? I was amazed when the Pope didn’t die of shock; course he died of other nerve problems, and a bladder problem or tow, a little later on. Maybe it was a delayed reaction, I mean he was getting up there in years; it might have taken a while to really sink in what had happened.

Don’t get me wrong, the Pope was an amazing man, but so is Jerry Falwell in some people’s opinions. Jerry Falwell, a man who made an idiot out of himself by claiming that feminists were the reason God allowed 9-11 to happen. I can only imagine that this guy is actually a Baptist, I don’t know for sure, but I can tell you, from my esperience, that only a white, male Baptist would make such an idiotic claim in public and be proud of themselves.

Have you ever been to Baptist service? They talk about abolishing bigotry, and then in the same sermon bash gay people. And, by the way, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I don’t have much faith in the Christian Church. I have a lot of faith in God, I love God, Jesus too, but the Church can kiss my hairy white ass!

One thing I notice about Christians these days is that they do to people today, what the Jews did to people before Jesus’ time. They kind of look down their noses at people like, ‘Eww…why are you near me?’ They’ll give the old, ‘Jesus is the only one who can save you from Hell!’ speech. I’m so tired of that! I mean what do people who don’t believe that Hell even exists do if that’s true? What do I do? Because I don’t believe Hell exists. I think it's just a scare tactic, to be honest.

Getting away from the ‘Bible Rant,’ as my friends have so affectionately called it, I’d like to make a slight inquiry about Labor Unions. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Labor Unions because without them, this country wouldn’t be the lazy, deteriorating shit hole that it is today.

My gripe with labor unions is this: it seems just a bit strange to me that a person, who is a member of a labor union, can get away with going to work with a pillow, a lunch, and a PSP. People sit on there fat asses all day and do nothing because the union tells the company they work for, “Hey, if you take this guy’s job, drop his pay, or take away any of his off time, we’re gonna sodomize you so hard you won’t shit for a year!”

Here’s what I think we should do, and it’s fairly simple when you think about it. Give the worker his protection so long as he does his job, but the moment he becomes counterproductive, remove the protection of the union. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t support big business at all, but in the long run those union members are hurting themselves. Because when all the non-union workers are gone the company still doesn’t make enough money to pay it’s employees regularly, guess who’s gotta go next, law suit or not. Because eventually that company will go under, and suddenly that union doesn’t seem so helpful anymore, you know what I mean?

All I’m saying is there’s got to be some kind of middle ground. That’s the problem with the world today; too many people want to go all the way to one side or all the way to the other. It’s the same with government; the government is so Right Wing right now if it was a plane it would have crashed into the Twin Towers for Osama! Bin Laden wouldn’t have had to do jack shit! Just picture Air Force One leaning to right so much it’s flying a constant circle.

That’s what we have right now; the country is going in circles. All we hear about in the Middle East right is how many of our soldiers died that day. All this chaos and destruction and for what, weapons of mass destruction? A little Arab man who dug himself into a hole? And what happened to that seven foot Arab on dialysis that kept sending us video tapes? He kind of fell of the face of the Earth there, didn’t he?

And weapons of mass destruction? Don’t give me that bull shit story. You know what we found? Rejected missile shells. Maybe that’s evidence that they were trying something, but that’s about all that that was. We didn’t find any nuclear labs. We didn’t find any Anthrax plants. We found rejected missile shells.

It’s a frightening thing; all these innocent Americans dying just so W can finish what Daddy started back in the 80’s. That’s great that we got Hussein, it really is, but now can we find the guy that actually sent people to kill us? We’re supposed to have spy satellites that can see what I ate for breakfast this morning. Did they go blind? It makes no sense!

Here’s what I think; I think we already know where Bin Laden is but aren’t really looking for him, because he’s on the Bush family ranch getting a ‘mouth hug’ from old W himself! He gets out of that hot studio from making one of those oh so informative threat videos he’s always sending us and goes, ‘W! Get over here and suck me like a lollipop, you redneck infidel!’

Getting back to the stereotype thing a little bit; why is it exactly that all Arabs supposedly use the word infidel all the time? Is that to them what nigger is to black people, or what? Yes I’m a white man who just used the word nigger, get the fuck over it. They call themselves niggers now a days, I really don’t see the big deal. And don’t give me this bull shit excuse, ‘it’s spelled with an A so it means something different!’ Fuck you! Whether it’s nigger or ‘nigga’ it still means dirty black person! Either it’s insulting or it’s endearing, but make up your fucking minds!

Some of my rebel friends are probably reading that part and thinking, ‘Yea! Rick’s got the right idea!’ Wrong! I don’t believe in races; I believe in humans, I don’t care what color you are. It just pisses me off when sit on there asses and complain. Try standing up and complaining, it seems to work for George Carlin.

Speaking of ‘Rebels,’ these redneck, wanna be Confederates who tack that flag on every part of their body and try to pass it off as Freedom of Expression. Expression of what, the fact that your head is up your ass and your mind set is stuck in the 19 fucking 50’s?! Why don’t you grow up and look around, you would be KKK members? Black people may not out number us, but they sure as hell got us beat everywhere else.

Answer this question for me: Why do people assume that all Goth kids are cutters? I consider myself Goth, not what you would call Hardcore Goth, but Goth nonetheless, and for as long as I can remember, I have never even contemplated committing suicide. I know people who are Hardcore Goth who have never contemplated committing suicide. So why is it when I tell people I’m Goth they go, “Oh, so I take it you cut yourself?” Do I really look that desperate and depraved? God, I hate people.

I have smoked marijuana. I don’t anymore, so you can put that card for the pot help line away. No I stopped when my girlfriend told me she was diagnosed with a light case of Reynolds’ Disease. That’s where she has poor blood circulation, she has to wear gloves at all times outside in the winter, and she can’t be around people who smoke, hence my decision. But that’s not what I’m trying to tell you.

I’ll be honest; I support the legalization of marijuana. Why, you may ask? Because for starters it’s a shit load better for you then cigarettes. Not that it’s particularly good for you. There is a reason that you can’t find your feet when you’re high. I think if we could figure out how to make it so it won’t fry your brain though, we could utilize its more medicinal properties, such as the extreme calming effects. That’s why I smoked it, because it was a stress reliever when my girlfriend wouldn’t give me a hand job.

Now I’m praying to God that her parents never read before we’re married; or break up of our own faults, which ever God thinks is the crueler joke. I do believe God has a sense of humor; why else would he try to tell people that Adam and Eve, Moses, and Noah all lived for almost a millennium. It says that Noah was given one hundred and twenty years to build the ark and find two every unclean animal and seven of every clean animal. People didn’t live past the age thirty back then, for God’s sake!

Even today people, on average, don’t live past the age of sixty-four, sixty-seven. How could any possibly believe that Abraham lived for over nine-hundred years? Then it occurred to me, that’s where George Lucas got his idea for Yoda. Maybe he pictured what Abraham might have looked like if he actually lived to the age of nine hundred.

What really baffles me is that people try to explain the Bible with science. There’s nothing scientific about a man who supposedly talks to people from burning bushes. There’s nothing logical about a column of fire falling from the sky. Religion and science do not mix! We established that when people flipped out because Darwin said that maybe God didn’t create this planet and that it’s impossible for us all to be cousins.

I hate people. I hate people so badly.

I heard something the other day that nearly drove me to tears. A woman had been cooking dinner for her family like she did every day and her stove caught fire. It wasn't until the entire kitchen was ablaze that she noticed anything, however. It wasn't the question of fire alarms that struck me though.

In an attempt to stop the fire the woman grabbed her fire extinguisher, but she did not know how to use it. She panicked and ran to a neighbors to ask him to operate the fire extinguisher, but he didn't know how to use it. By the time the fire department arrived four houses on that street were on fire.

What struck me as odd was that they never took to the time to look at the side of the fire extinguisher which, unless I'm mistaken, has the usage instructions printed on it. If you honestly can't use common sense to work that fireextinguisher, the instructions are right there, but these people are too dumb and panicky to realize that. This whole senario just shows how stupid people can be, which strikes me as extremely funny.

You know, most comics try end with a really good joke, but to be honest, I can't think of one. I tried...I really tried...and then I thought, "Ah fuck it, no one's gonna read this anyway." So if you got this far, thank you for reading, but do me a favor...stop calling me an idiot just cause you don't agree with what I've wrote.