May Cause Hallucinations Act I

May Cause Hallucinations










A play in three acts




ACT I

SCENE 1

(A nearly empty room. There is
A window and a front door. Black
And red are sitting together. All
Lights are out.)

RED
Mmm... Mmm!!


BLACK
Did you like it Red?


RED
Oh yeah I did!


BLACK
I really enjoyed it too.


(The lights come back on, blinking slightly.
Red and Black are sitting together, Red holding
And empty plate in her hand.)


RED
Oh! Light came back! Great, now I can use the microwave.


BLACK
That was a great piece of cake wasn’t it? Gus made it for me!


RED
How is Gus? I haven’t seen him in such a long time!


BLACK
He’s been a little down lately... Ever since they closed down he’s salon he’s been brooding over life. But now I have an excuse to go check out that hottie in my new salon!


RED
(clicks her tonge disapprovingly)
You shouldn’t go around cheating on your boyfriend Black! He’s bound to find out someday babe!


BLACK
(to himself)
Look who’s talking.


(Doorbell rings. Black opens door while Red is heating in the microwave. Sis is outside, her makeup smudged from crying but with a wide smile on her face)


BLACK
Oh dear lord Sis, who did you kill this time?


SIS
Kill? Why would I kill anyone? I only give them a little help to, you know, die and leave me all their money.



BLACK
Such a crude woman... So anyways, who was it this time?


SIS
My new husband. He was 79, had emphysema. Those guys, just a little over-exercise and they go right into cardiac arrest. Pathetic if you ask me. Anyways, he was filthy rich and with no children so I inherited everything.


BLACK
So you got all his money.


SIS
Uh-huh.


BLACK
But how can you do something like that to an old man?!


SIS
Dunno. Comes natural I guess.


BLACK
No! I meant-- Gosh—Red how long has she being doing things like these?!


RED
Whole life probably


(Doorbell rings again. Black goes to the door and opens it. Drake enters, a tequila bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the other.)


Did you at least have fun while doing it?


SIS
Oh yeah


DRAKE
OK! I’m finally here guys, the party is officially starting


RED
Calm down, Mr. I’m-the-center-of-the-world, no one else is here yet.


DRAKE
(To himself)
Bitch.


RED
(To Drake)
Freakin’ Homo.


DRAKE
(With pitchy voice)
I am NOT gay!


BLACK
(To Sis)
He so is.


SIS
Uh-huh.


(All sit down while Red pours them drinks. Doorbell rings again. This time Red opens the door. Panda enters holding three alcohol bottles and a pack of cigarettes)


PANDA
Hey girl! I brought the—


RED
Go away.
(Slams the door shut, leaving Panda outside.)


SIS
She was carrying three bottles.


DRAKE
And cigarettes. Bring her back now.


RED
You have a point. HEY PANDA! PANDA! COME BACK!
(opens the door and sticks her head out)
PANDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(Enter Panda)
Sorry girl, sit down.


(Doorbell rings again)


BLACK
(shouting)
Can’t you people come in a group so I don’t have to stand up seventeen times?!(Enter Digital)
Sit down will you?! (To Digital) Damn Digital...


(Doorbell rings just again just as Black closes the door. Annoyed he opens it again. Enter Jim.)


DRAKE
JIM WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?!


JIM
Oh, I’m going through a very complicated plastic surgery.


DRAKE
What, are you trying to be like Michael Jackson? You’ve got... white patches of skin all over you!


JIM
As a matter I am, yes.


RED
You can’t seriously be trying to become white.


JIM
Yes, I am! I am also getting lipo, a rhinoplasty and cheek implants.


DRAKE
(Whisper to Red)
Do you have any idea what this means?!


RED
(Whisper to Drake)
Yeah... We won’t be able to call him black anymore...


DRAKE
Hey, do you think it was our fault? You know... since we made fun of him all the time...


RED
Nah.




SCENE 2



(Lights come back on, and all of them are scattered around the room, drunk)


RED
(To Drake)
Dude, Panda’s bottles are all empty.


DRAKE
I realized that. Kick her out.


RED
Sure thing!
(To Panda)
Panda get out now!


PANDA
But—What are you talking about?


RED
Just leave!


(Panda stands up and turns to leave, trips, then turns to look at everyone)


PANDA
You know what, screw you guys!


(Panda turns to the door, crashes into a wall, then exits.)


SIS
She’s got issues


ALL
No shit.




SCENE 3



BLACK
I’m not feeling well...


RED
Absolutely no one is.


DRAKE
(obviously drunk)
I love you Red!!


RED
I think you mean Black.


DRAKE
I love you too Black!!


BLACK
So sorry, I’m taken.


DRAKE
Sis!! I love you so—


SIS
You touch me and you will never see light again.


PANDA
Oh Drake, don’t worry, I love you!


DRAKE
(suddenly coming back to his senses)
Eww please don’t Panda! Wait, how the hell did you get in here?!


PANDA
Oh, that guy helped me in.


RED
What guy?


PANDA
That guy!


(All turn to look at Peter Pan, who is smoking something that does not look like a cigarette.)


PETER PAN
Yo.


SIS
(climbs on a couch)
How the hell did he get in here?!


PETER PAN
We flew man... This stuff can make you do anything. Yeah.


DIGITAL
Wow... He’s so... so... (mumbles unintelligibly)


DRAKE
What the hell did Digital just say?


BLACK
(shouting)
WHAT IS THAT MAN SMOKING? PUT IT OUT BEFORE THE FREAKIN’ POLICE COMES HERE!


RED
(to Sis)
Is that man really dressed up in a Peter Pan suit?


SIS
Oh yeah.