Blue Monday Blue

Blue Monday Blue

Man, I hate Mondays! Mondays that begin months are something I’m sure the devil himself made up. If something is going to go wrong at the worst time possible for it, Monday the first of the month would be the day! Today was no exception.

My alarm clock didn’t go off this morning, even though I distinctly remember setting it last night before drifting off to sleep. The crash and clamor of the morning’s garbage pickup was the only thing that kept me from sleeping until noon I’m sure.

“Awwwk!” I croaked, looking upside down and backwards at the clock. “ Shiiiit!” I screamed.

Bolting out of bed half asleep isn’t the best idea in any circumstance as I learned the hard way when my feet got tangled with the blankets. Picking myself up from the floor I hobbled into the bathroom to inspect the newly developed lump upon my forehead.

“Owwwww.” I whimpered. Ever notice how something looks is always more painful when you can see it?

After scalding myself in the shower, I managed to get dressed and get out the door without doing too much more damage to my person. Then to top it off, my darn car wouldn’t start, I had left the dome light on somehow and the battery was dead. This day was becoming a real nightmare, hopefully I could take it out somewhere and kill it!

Rushing to the bus stop, I arrived just in time to see the bus trundling off and no matter how loud I screamed the driver paid no heed.

“Damn, damn, DAMN!” I screamed. “Is this nightmare ever going to end?”

Kicking the concrete benches of bus stops isn’t a good idea, especially in Birkenstocks. Nursing my sore toe, I slumped onto the bench beside a smelly old woman who proceeded to tell me a long rambling story about the evils of aluminum foil and grey poupon mustard.

“Aluminum foil has magic,” she intoned, “bad, bad magic! That grey bastid mustard is worse, and if ya spread the mustard onto the foil it will bring evil spirits!”

I started to thank God that at least it was a nice day, the pale blue sky held not a single cloud when I left the house. Then I heard the first boom of thunder, less than two minutes later a freakish rainstorm began. As I sat there contemplating taking off my socks and stuffing them into the mouth of the smelly old woman before my head exploded, the next bus pulled up, washing forty gallons of overflow from the plugged storm drain directly onto said socks. The nightmare is growing stronger!

Giving up on the whole incredible day, I decided it was best to just go back home and curl up under the covers until tomorrow. A pleasant walk it was not, halfway down the block a stray Rottweiler looking for sex decided that if he couldn’t make love to me that he might as well eat me. Running full speed, I managed to clear three fences before he gave up on me.

Spying the safety and comfort of my wonderful home, I rushed up the stairs perhaps a little too quickly, causing my foot to stumble on the top step crashing my already lumped forehead directly into the door frame. Wrenching the key ring out of my pocket only tore my new but wet suit slightly, but the topper had to be when I heard the key snap off inside the lock. I couldn’t believe it, the nightmare had followed me home!