A Child Late In Life

I wasn't sure what I was feeling, but I knew I was feeling ill. I knew once I got myself to the doctor, he would give me some antibiotics to get rid of this nausea. It had to be a stomach flu of some sort. But as I sat there waiting for the results of the blood test he had just taken, I stared up at the medical posters on the walls. The quietness was almost eerie. Just then the doctor came in with a slight smile and said "Um, you don't have the stomach flu which is good, however, your condition will not clear up for at least 7 1/2 months, you're pregnant". My jaw dropped and I asked him to repeat what he had just said. "You're pregnant. Are you ok?", noticing the look on my face.

"Yes, I'll be fine, just a little shocked". And with that I left.

As I drove home, I kept trying to tell myself this couldn't be. There was no way. I was 43. My marriage had recently become a little rocky and now this? I began to cry uncontrollably all the way home. I already had two teenage boys and starting all over at this age at this time was almost inconceivable. I was devastated.

When I arrived home it was the middle of the day. No one was home at this time and I took that moment to reflect and regain my emotions. I sat on the edge of the bed and cried some more. I wasn't sure what I was feeling but it wasn't good.

Two weeks went by and I decided to finally tell my husband. When I did I received a reaction I did not expect. Because of all the turmoil we had been going through I knew he would not be happy, but it was opposite. "This is good, right?" he asked almost child-like. "I mean, we're going to make it, it's all going to be ok."

"Do you think its going to be fine because we're having a child? I'm just letting you know I'm pregnant and I don't know how I feel about it right now, so I can't pretend I'm happy, because I'm not."

"Don't you want this baby?" he said with a worrisome look.

"Of course, I can't do much about that now. But I'm just not feeling the excitement that you seem to want to burst out with. I'm sorry." and I walked away.

For the next several months my husband was attentive in all aspects of our marriage, our home, my physical well being. And the best part, he wouldn't let me lift a finger with housecleaning. So I thought, maybe this isn't so bad after all. The day came when the Doctor said we would have to do an amiocentisis because of my age. I knew that they would be able to tell us the sex of the baby. And since I already had two boys from a previous marriage, a little girl would be so nice, but I just wanted the baby to be healthy.

Once they completed the amnio, they confirmed it was in fact a little girl. We were both elated. I began to feel new emotions as if I were a brand new mother. I began to feel acceptance of this new being within me. And I realized how blessed I truly was, even at my age. She was meant to be here. She was coming into my life at a time when I wasn't so sure of myself and my purpose.

She was born two weeks before Christmas that year and what a gift she was. And since then my life has been so fulfilled. Not that it wasn't before. My boys have always been a joy and truly gems in my life, but there was something different about my daughter. I knew that she was special and I know in the deepest part of my heart that her purpose here is far more than I can imagine. But simply hearing her tell me now in her 3 year old sweet voice "I love you Mommy" is all the reason I need to have and know.